tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38923486981487691132024-03-12T23:25:51.034-05:00Thoughts from the LabyrinthThoughts from the mind of a multiple.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger289125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-24966541915051037422018-05-20T05:04:00.000-05:002018-05-20T21:25:27.409-05:00Early morning ramblings*Birth 2lbs in incubator 1 month<br />
*Lead poisoning<br />
*Dehydration<br />
*Tonsillectomy/Adenoids<br />
*Eye infection<br />
*Head injury<br />
Mononucleosis<br />
(DX TMJ)<br />
*Pelvic Inflammatory Disease<br />
(DX chronic anemia)<br />
*Kidney infection<br />
*Psychiatric admission<br />
(DX anxiety and depression)<br />
(1 miscarriage)<br />
*Acute migraine 1 week duration<br />
*Birth of Robert<br />
*Birth of CJ<br />
*Pancreatitis/Gallbladder removal<br />
(1 miscarriage)<br />
*Psychiatric admission (DX of DID)<br />
(1 miscarriage, and 1 missed abortion)<br />
*Pelvic infection from D & C<br />
*Birth of Taylor<br />
(DX Hashimoto’s Hypothyroidism)<br />
*Ruptured ovarian cyst<br />
Removal of Morton’s Neuroma (L)<br />
*Psychiatric admission (self injury)<br />
*Psychiatric admission (suicidal)<br />
Removal of Morton’s Neuroma (R)<br />
*Psychiatric admission<br />
*Pelvic Mesh<br />
*Urethra bulking bridge<br />
(DX of Celiac Disease)<br />
*Rectocele repair<br />
(DX of Fibromyalgia)<br />
(Started immunotherapy)<br />
Tori extosis removal<br />
(DX of Lichen Planus)<br />
*Septoplasty/Rhinoplasty/Turbinate reduction<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Childhood trauma- physical, sexual, emotional, cult abuse<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Neglect<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Underweight<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Sensory issues<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Witnessed harm to others<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Surrounded by alcohol and drugs<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>No consistency<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Constant environmental stress<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Divorced parents<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Narcissistic parents and gaslighting<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Caregiver to diabetic mom from early age<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Forced to lie/keep secrets<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Date rape<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Bullied up until the end of middle school<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Pinworms<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>No decision making/choices given<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>No guidance for the future<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Drugs and alcohol for escape<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Promiscuity<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Failed suicide attempt. Punished for wasting medication<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Smothered with pillows to silence crying<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Invalidation of feelings<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Kicked out of the house during -20 degree weather at 10pm the night before Christmas Eve<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Belittled and shamed<br />
<br />
What I did in response:<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Daydreamed about dying<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Sat on cliff ledges and bridge railings willing myself to fall<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Cried all night long<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Began self injuring<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Developed severe headaches<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Slept around hoping someone would actually love me<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Smoked a lot of pot to escape<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Skipped school<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Wrote in a journal until my mom and grandma read it and blamed everything on me<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Bottled up my anger. Wasn’t allowed to express it<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Developed anxiety/panic attacks<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Took all the blame<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Lived recklessly<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>0.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Got bitter towards God<br />
<br />
Who was there for me?<br />
<br />
No one<br />
<br />
It’s a lot of weight to carry by oneself. Thank God for my insiders to keep me alive and protect me the best they knew how.<br />
<br />
I’m just realizing. I’m damn smart. I’m dang strong. Those people did everything to destroy me yet here I am. My health issues both physical and mental are a result of me being “scared sick.” My body was in constant “fight or flight” mode for so long that my cortisol overload has depleted my adrenaline glands. I’m exhausted. I need to recover somehow. I still have lots of life left.<br />
<br />
Cellular memory. I need to figure out how to retrain my mind so I can feel safe and get restorative sleep. Sleep is what repairs the body. If I can’t shut my mind down I will never reach deep sleep. I want to reprogram my body and mind. It’s amazing what thoughts come rushing in right now. It’s almost 5am and I am struggling, as usual, to sleep. Yet, I feel compelled to search for answers. Seeing my son yesterday and listening to him has made me really think and dig deep. I will not give up.<br />
<br />
I often question my purpose on this earth. I get exasperated with the thought of spending my whole life bettering myself to eventually die. It seems a bit pointless, at times. Yet, to enjoy my existence here and leave any kind of lasting legacy means I must find a way to exist in a positive and hopeful way and help others with my experiences. How can we help others if we cannot relate? Compassion comes from an understanding. So the point?? Use my health problems, my past, my present journey to be that person for the one who needs it. My time here on this earth is about servitude with joy. If I can help even 1 person because of my life story then, I suppose, my life will have meant something after all.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-31249234964232986832018-02-08T22:17:00.000-06:002018-02-08T22:17:08.256-06:00I am blessed<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 107%;">I'm just sitting here
thinking about something my Therapist said the other day. When I was telling
her how wonderful my husband is and how blessed I feel because he has stuck by
me through so much crap and because of my DID. She told me that the odds were on
my side because most people with DID are not able to stay married because their
spouses choose or cannot deal with all that it entails. I remember calling my
husband from the psychiatric hospital and telling him I think he should file
for divorce. He asked why I would say that and I told him of my diagnosis. He
said "I knew it. And no, I will not leave you." I was baffled because
I was feeling quite "crazy" learning I was a multiple even though
deep down I knew it did make sense after so many years of questioning what was
going on in my head. I am truly blessed to have a man in my life who is so
strong, loving, forgiving, patient and understanding. I could keep on listing
things!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has gone on this roller coaster ride of my
life and has held me close the whole ride through. He has gained the respect
and trust of all of my alters and my littles call him Daddy Bob because he is
the father figure they never had but always wanted. He plays with them, he
reads to them, he comforts them and more. There have boundaries set for
everyone inside regarding my husband. What is appropriate behavior with him,
what things to share with him and being his friend. Some may find it odd that a
grown man can have a relationship with a woman with children inside, males and
female alters of all ages and even magical fairies all in her mind. My insiders
are a family to him. This is another reason we do not choose integration. All
our dating and married life it has been like it is now and if ain't broke don't
try to fix it. He would miss everyone so much and has said so on many
occasions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 107%;">God has given me a true
soul mate and forgive me if I sound as if I'm bragging. I guess I might be a
little but I'm just so proud of him and would be so lost without my best
friend. I want the world to know I love him and for those of you with DID who
think a relationship is not possible, please do not lose hope. It is a lot of
hard work, but it can be done and be a happy relationship. I think my biggest
change for the better was dating a man like my husband, He was the opposite of
every man I had ever dated. By breaking out of my comfort zone in that area I
ended up happy in the end. But, let me tell you, it was not pretty the first
year or two of our relationship. I wasn't comfortable with a man being so kind
to me that I would intentionally start fights and drama because I lived in
chaos all my life and that was where I felt at ease. That too had to change,
and it took time but it happened and I learned a lot from those early days. Life
is good now and I wish all of you the very best. I wish I could clone my
husband a 100 times over to hand out to women who need a good supporter, friend,
lover and caregiver. I love you, Bob with all my heart!</span><span style="line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-39718096875917264982018-02-04T21:55:00.000-06:002018-02-04T21:56:22.401-06:00I feel like a freakEverything going on with me is affecting my mindset.I have so many body issues going on and I am not able to be intimate with my husband. It's been since October for us to be sexual together. I feel so sad and out of control with what's going on with me, I can't breathe well because of my nose, I have sores on my body, in my vagina, in my mouth, in my nose and sometimes even in my eyes, I feel gross and disgusting. I can't even kiss my husband because of all the sores in my mouth. It's too painful. I'm in chronic pain most of the time and can't even stand to be caressed. What can I do to make things better? I miss the closeness I had with my husband. I'm only 50, I'm not dead. How do I turn off the sexual feelings? I feel sad for him because I'm not available for him in that way. I get anxiety that he will look elsewhere even though I know better than that. He loves me through sickness and in health. I just feel I'm a huge disappointment to him. I can't even pull my weight in our relationship most days. I make the best of the good days but there are way more bad ones than good ones lately. I almost feel like I'm being put to a huge test by God. Because of my sexually abusive past I've had a hard time separating sex and love. I have been told you don't have to be sexual with someone to be loved by them. I am still struggling with it. I need some help figuring out ways to be intimate without sex. Is that possible even? I know there are many insiders that are thrilled with this new change. I am not. This is not fair at all. All my life's problems have always been related to sex in some way. My husband tells me he's fine with everything. Why can't I be? I feel lonely 99% of the time. I can't go upstairs with him because of my knees and hips. He is up there all night and I am downstairs on my phone or playing Sims. This not how I imagined my life to be at this point. I worked very hard at overcoming all my sexual insecurities and now I am back in it and alone. I don't know what to do.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-88549379938118787822018-01-20T22:46:00.000-06:002018-01-20T22:46:14.811-06:00Keep your opinion to yourself<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I feel sad inside. An old friend of mine sent me a private message saying she doesn't believe in the fibromyalgia diagnosis and it's just something doctors tell you when they don't know what is really wrong. She is not the first one to say this to me. You know, I have been to so many different doctors and specialists. I've had gobs of blood tests ran and scans and so forth. I fall into the fibromyalgia criteria 100%, official diagnosis code M79.7 – Fibromyalgia in the ICD-10-CM as of 2015</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">. I really do not appreciate someone suggesting to me that my diagnosis is not real. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions but that doesn't necessarily mean you go to the person with an illness and tell them your opinion. I didn't ask her for it she just decided to let me know her feelings about it. What I could use is support and understanding. If you care about me maybe try doing research about Fibromyalgia so you can be a supportive person to me. If, after your research, you still don't believe my diagnosis then that's your choice. It doesn't matter what your opinion is because I know what I live with and my family lives with on a daily basis. There are new studies coming out more and more about Fibromyalgia. There have been links to childhood trauma and other types of trauma to this disease. The studies are showing it is a brain receptor problem and central nervous system malfunction. This is a real disease. I have it, I know it, and I believe it.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-11492113980125982292018-01-10T22:32:00.000-06:002020-03-04T13:56:19.679-06:00Hospice, focus and purpose!Therapy today was amazing!! I went in feeling pretty down because of all my health stuff but then we somehow got on the topic of hospice because I found out my biological Dad May have cancer. I started talking about my previous experiences with hospice when my Mom and Step-Dad were dying. It was the most amazing experience to go through. I was with my Grandma when she died and it was in a hospital setting. How I wish we had all known there was an alternative for care and dying with dignity.<br />
<br />
My Mom developed sepsis through a infected dialysis port. Because she had 3 organ transplants she no longer had an immune system. There was nothing the doctors could do to save her life except to keep her on a ventilator. My Step-Dad had power of attorney over her but he had a horrible time telling the doctor to take her off the machine. He wanted me to make the decision but I had no say. I had a meeting set up with all of my Mom's staff and they talked to me, my Aunt and Uncle and Step-Dad, about why they felt they could not save her. My Step-Dad finally relented and they took my Mom off of the ventilator. My Mom completely changed once taken off. Before then she was grabbing at it and trying to take it off. She wasn't coherent at all. Once she was taken off of it she looked at all of us and made a face like she knew she was going to die soon and her face was crumpled and it appeared she was crying but no sound or tears came out of her, then she closed her eyes. Her hair looked like a birds nest and she was not cleaned up well. She was transferred over to a hospice center. We went all went to dinner and washed up before heading over to the new facility. I had never heard of hospice and didn't know what to expect. When we walked in the first thing I noticed was how quiet and peaceful it felt. The whole environment was peaceful. It didn't feel like a medical facility. When we got to her room and we all saw her, we gasped in unison. She just looked beautiful. They had bathed her and brushed her beautiful hair out and put her in a soft floral nightgown. It was so touching and just wonderful to see her like this even though she was now in a coma. In the hospital it was horrible. She was thrashing about, the staff was so busy they didn't spend time cleaning her up and so on. It was noisy and chaotic all of the time. This was breath of fresh air!<br />
<br />
The thing I was most concerned about was the fact of my Mom being an atheist. I was besides myself with grief because I wanted her to go to Heaven and be at peace. I talked with a chaplain but other family members did not want him going into the room with her because they felt it would go against her wishes. I cried and cried and then I made a decision. I was going to stay at the hospital overnight while everyone else went home. After they left I prayed. I said, "Lord, I'm scared because I know she will be mad at me but I have to do do this. Please! I'm going to open this Bible to a random page and please let it fall to where it will be applicable to the situation and bring her to you." I flipped the Bible open and it fell to <a href="https://stmatthewbt.org/2012/06/16/from-earthly-tent-to-heavenly-home-2-corinthians-413-510/">2 Corinthians 4:13 – 5:10</a>. I laughed and gasped inwardly at the same time when I started to read what it said. It's very lengthy so that's why I posted the link if you would like to read it in full. The gist of it is that our bodies will waste away and die. Our bodies are temporary but if we believe in Christ we will have new bodies in Heaven. I read the scripture out loud to her, my voice shaking and my hands trembling, certain she was suddenly going to wake up and yell at me for reading Bible stuff to her. After I finished reading this to her I sat next to her and just held her hand and prayed. After awhile I felt a frustration inside me because I felt like I could not grieve and be at peace after she was gone if I did not know for certain that she accepted Christ as her savior. I prayed aloud, "God, please, please show me some kind of sign to let me know she will be in your kingdom." I was looking at her while praying and she all of a sudden opened her eyes and looked at me. My heart dropped into my stomach. It was only a moment and then she shut her eyes. She never opened them again. I had my answer and I began to sob and thank God for letting me know. My Mom passed away the next day at the age of 59 but I know she is among angels and is no longer suffering.<br />
<br />
You may ask why I talked about this story and what it has to do with hospice and where am I going with all of this? This is the story I talked about in therapy today. I talked about what happened with my Mom and how I believe that the hospice environment allows for people to take care of matters within themselves and their families, without distraction. Hospital environments don't really give this to families. It's noisy, your loved one may be hooked up to noisy machines, nurses and doctors are coming in and out, and so on. It's just not a peaceful place to die. Hospice gave my mom respect and allowed her to die with dignity. They encouraged family to bury the hatchet on life grievances, to communicate and they explain the death process step by step. I told the staff about what had happened when I was alone with my Mom. They didn't scoff at my story and they sat with me and listened and acknowledged what I was saying and believed it was true. They see so much death and it's not a sad event for them. They know, like I as Christian know, that it is a joyful occasion and a rebirth. Yes, I cried because I was sad she was gone, but my heart had happiness knowing that she was with our Father. Hospice cares and they kept up with me via snail mail with cards and letters seeing how I was coping. I don't know of any hospital that would do that.<br />
<br />
When my Step-Dad became ill with pancreatitis and they stopped doing chemo, because it wasn't working, I flew back to Wisconsin and spent the last 6 weeks of his life taking care of him. I helped him sign up for home hospice care, which is different than the hospice my mom was in, and they would make weekly trips out to the lakehouse we were staying at to do check ups on him. I could call them at any time of the day about anything I had questions about. He and I were alone most of the time in the boonies of Wisconsin. No air conditioning, no television except 2 channels that would work and his cellphone was the only one that got signal. I had no internet either. So, he and I did a lot of talking about serious stuff . Hospice gave me so much support. My 2 sisters work on a dairy farm so they could not take care of him, my brother worked weird shifts with UPS and my other sister was was having personal issues and couldn't be there for him. The last week of his life, hospice came every day. He was getting very restless and delirious. I wasn't sleeping and becoming exhausted. They stepped in and gave me a few hours of much needed down time each day. After he passed they came out and stayed with the family and took care of a lot of the leg work for me. Some of them even came to his memorial service and sent flowers.<br />
<br />
Because of hospice it made me rethink a lot about the death experience and I have thought off and on throughout the past few years that I might consider doing volunteer work for a center. Our local hospice helped me through my grieving with my mom so much that I have a place in my heart for them. While I was talking about all of this with my therapist I felt a deep euphoria within me. After we were done talking she said, "I want you to do a quick body scan on yourself and tell how you feel." I realized my pain wasn't present that I walked in with. I just felt happiness and I suddenly realized what my purpose is in life. My therapist said I was in the "God Groove" and being focused on Him and how my spiritual moments of hospice is Him talking to me and I am now aware and listening! My focus has suddenly switched. Am I still in pain and feeling crappy? Yeah, I am. Do I need to stay in it constantly? NO! When I am focused on something I am passionate about I never only do it half way. It consumes me and and takes my focus away from negative things. I have so much love and compassion in me to give away. What better place than with the dying? I have a huge opportunity happening right now and I'm not going to let this go away. I am going to pray and look into our local hospice and find out how I can become involved. This is going to be my focus, not my pain. I'm going to shift gears and do something that really matters in this world. My purpose is not to just focus on getting well, that's a have to do. My purpose is to find meaning and give and use my God given talents to help other people! This has been an amazing day!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-71185718124873436892018-01-06T19:55:00.000-06:002018-01-06T20:41:18.900-06:00I am not coping well these daysLately I find myself complaining constantly about my health. I know it's a frustration for those around me and they grow tired of hearing about it. The sad thing about this is my life is consumed 99.9% of the time going to Doctor appointments, researching ways to feel better, lying in bed trying to get well, taking medicines, supplements,and trying holistic approaches. My life is about me getting well, somehow, someway. I lay awake in bed every night, because I have horrible <a href="http://onlineslangdictionary.com/meaning-definition-of/painsomnia">painsomnia</a>, praying to God to help me. My thoughts become very dark, at times, and it scares me. I don't want to really die. I just want the pain and sicknesses to stop. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to get well and then die once I achieve good health. These are the conditions I deal with on a daily basis and I have linked them so if you want to know more about what the condition is:<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.jpma.org.pk/full_article_text.php?article_id=2342">Multiple Autoimmune Syndrome</a></li>
<li><a href="https://celiac.org/celiac-disease/understanding-celiac-disease-2/what-is-celiac-disease/">Celiac Disease</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.thyroid.org/hashimotos-thyroiditis/">Hashimoto's Thyroiditis</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.webmd.com/oral-health/oral-lichen-planus#1">Lichen Planus (Oral)</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319952.php">Lichen Sclerosus</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.ninds.nih.gov/Disorders/Patient-Caregiver-Education/Fact-Sheets/Restless-Legs-Syndrome-Fact-Sheet">Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS)</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.medicinenet.com/temporomandibular_joint_syndrome_tmj/article.htm">Temporomandibular Joint Syndrome (TMJ)</a></li>
<li>Arthritis in Jaw, Neck, Knees and Hands</li>
<li><a href="https://medlineplus.gov/chronicfatiguesyndrome.html">Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=134&ContentID=181">Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction</a></li>
<li>Depression</li>
<li><a href="https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Dissociative-Disorders">Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.webmd.com/back-pain/tc/cervical-spinal-stenosis-topic-overview#1">Cervical Spinal Stenosis</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.medicinenet.com/deviated_septum/article.htm">Deviated Septum</a> causing severe sinus headaches</li>
<li>72+ Allergies</li>
<li><a href="https://www.spine-health.com/conditions/sciatica/what-you-need-know-about-sciatica">Sciatica</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/slow-transit-constipation">Slow Transit Time Constipation</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/fibromyalgia/symptoms-causes/syc-20354780">Fibromyalgia</a></li>
</ul>
These are the illnesses I have been diagnosed with. I am also dealing with a spider bite to my face which turned into <a href="https://www.medicinenet.com/cellulitis/article.htm">cellulitis</a> near my eye. I have been taking antibiotics since Monday and it looks better but I still feel so ill. I am officially in Menopause so that's always a joy.....<br />
<br />
I try very hard to focus on getting well and doing what I need to do to get there. Some days, like today and this past week, have been a huge struggle. I know a lot of my health issues are flaring up because of all the work I have been doing in therapy. I believe I have had these illnesses for a long time but my parts held the symptoms so I didn't realize they were happening. It makes me want to hang my hat up and quit therapy. I do know I can't do that because even if I'm not aware of sickness it is still there. I need to expose it all in order to completely heal myself. Sometimes I feel like life is so stupid. Like, seriously, what is the point? You work hard at bettering yourself every day of your life and then you die. Pretty anticlimactic ending, in my opinion. I ruminate quite often on the possibilities of leaving this earth. Before you message me to call a suicide hotline you have nothing to worry about right now. I am <a href="https://www.theodysseyonline.com/being-suicidal-doesnt-necessarily-trying-kill-yourself">suicidal</a> but I am not going to kill myself. Only God can determine my time here on Earth. I do worry that I am giving up on living, though. I spend a majority of my time either in bed or in my rocking chair. It's pathetic and sad. I've almost gotten to the point of not caring at all anymore. Then, my daughter FaceTimes with me, and my grandson gets so excited seeing me. That helps. Or, my son will send me a text checking on me. That helps, too. My granddaughters hugs help and my husband's undying love and support for me helps. What doesn't help? People trying to fix me, or relate to me when they can't possibly relate, criticizing me, ignoring me, and so on. This journey I am on can be very lonely. I can't even go upstairs to sit with my husband to watch tv because it's too painful on my knees and hips. I am alone most of the time in my bedroom. I feel lonely, bored, frustrated and angry.<br />
<br />
My life feels unfair yet people looking in from the outside think my life is amazing. I know I could have it much worse, that is very true, but if it's hard for me to appreciate the blessings surrounding me then what can I do? When you are in pain 24/7 and feel like shit most of the time the blessings right in front of your face look distorted and flawed. I need some answers and I need help finding them. I want to live again. I'm just so very tired.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-46052125842812817172017-12-26T14:44:00.001-06:002017-12-27T20:22:28.284-06:00Oral Lichen Planus<br />
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I was diagnosed with yet another autoimmune disorder. This one is very bizarre and very painful. This disorder is called <a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/oral-lichen-planus/symptoms-causes/syc-20350869">Oral Lichen Planus</a>. There are several types of lichen planus. My body attacks my mucus membranes. Some people get the kind that attacks the skin or both skin and mucous membranes. So far mine has only been the membranes.<br />
<br />
My dentist started becoming concerned because I was developing a lot of ulcers and sores on my gums, cheeks and tongue as well as in my nose. He was originally suspecting possible Lupus since my mother had that disease. The other dentist that's in that particular practice came in and looked and said, "nah, those are just <a href="https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1075570-overview">Apthous Stomatitis</a> ", which are recurrent canker sores. She then sent me on my way. Two days later we left for a 7 night cruise. By the time I got on the cruise ship my mouth was breaking out inside with cluster of sores. I tried to ignore it and used Orajel like crazy but no relief. I ended up going down to the medical center on the ship on day 3. The pain was getting so bad I could barely eat or drink and it was keeping me awake at night. The ship doctor looked inside my mouth and let out a gasp of horror! I guess she had never seen so many sores at one time. I had over 27 clusters in my mouth and moving into my throat. She gave me Prednisone, which gives me very vivid and scary dreams, and Nystatin swish and swallow. The Prednisone did calm the flare down some but as soon as I got home I went straight to my dentist. He looked at it and sent me to a specialist in town.<br />
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The specialist, who did my <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torus_mandibularis">Toride removal</a> , took a look in my mouth and took swabs and pictures. He recognized it right away as lichen planus. I had the lacy patterns on my tongue and cheeks and the unique sores. He put me on a steroid mouth rinse and medicated mouth lozenges. I have to go back in 2 weeks. He told me 40% of patients with this disorder develop cancer of the mouth. There is no cure only management. It can affect your eyes, throat, nose, mouth, vagina and anus. It is miserable and I have started developing sores in other areas outside of mouth now. I feel miserable and annoyed by it.<br />
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I cannot tell you how frustrated I feel. I have tried changing my diets, adding the supplements I was told to take, using essential oils and so on. My husband made the comment, "It seems the more you try to do the healthy things the more you get sick." It makes me want to stop trying. I'm either in pain from my fibro, which has improved quite a bit between using CBD oil and having weekly acupuncture, or I'm utterly exhausted from Hashimoto's and CFS. I'm not sleeping much at all and all I can think about IS SLEEPING. I don't know where to turn now. It is becoming overwhelming to deal with:<br />
1) Dissociative Disorder<br />
2) Celiac Disease<br />
3) Hashimoto Thyroiditis/Hypothyroidism<br />
4) Adrenal Fatigue<br />
5) Cervical Stenosis and bulging discs<br />
6) Arthritis in my knees, hands, neck and jaw<br />
7) TMJ<br />
8) Fibromyalgia<br />
9) Restless legs<br />
10) Abscessed tooth infection and about to have a root canal<br />
11) And now Lichen planus<br />
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I am having a pity party right now, I know. I just am in a not so pleasant mood right now. I have so many blessings in my life and yet this can overshadow it all because it never stops. A person becomes exhausted from fighting all of the time! If anyone out there has any good solutions I would sure love to hear about them!<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-50581431615841044492017-11-15T19:30:00.000-06:002017-11-15T19:32:10.357-06:00The Perfect Family<br />
I think everyone grows up dreaming about how their family is going to be amazing. We watched our parents and how they behaved and made mental notes along the way of what we would or would not do when the we had our very own children. You have your children and do the best that you can to be a good parent. You do the best you can to avoid hurting them the way your parents hurt you. You hope they turn out alright and you keep them safe. They grow up and move out into the world and begin their own lives. You never stop worrying about them and you never stop thinking about them. Your biggest happiness comes from seeing them happy. To watching them grow and see their accomplishments. You are there when they need you and it may not always be the way they expected you to be there but you are still there, regardless. You so badly want all your children to love one another so when you leave this world they have each other for support.<br />
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The reality is this. The perfect family does not exist. Not for anyone and if they say their family is perfect they are lying to you. A person can try their hardest to make family love them or each other and it doesn't always happen. Just because someone is related to you by blood does not mean they want to be in your life or in their siblings lives. You can't force it to happen. Some of my best family members are not even blood related. So many years of my life have been about making my family amazing and special and perfect. The unfortunate fact is that I am going about it in all the wrong way. I have a tendency to fall back into what I know and how it was for me growing up. Case in point, holidays. I grew up celebrating all major holidays with family who used the occasion as an excuse to get super intoxicated. As a child, I would witness horrible arguments, violence, inappropriate touching, passing out, puking and more all in the spirit of say....Christmas. So when I became an adult and would be hosting holidays I made sure there was plenty of alcohol available to those attending. When my children became adults it got even worse. Drinking, especially amongst family members, is never, ever a good idea. I only know what I know. It was familiar to me and it made great sense. It also was not appropriate. You would think that after my upbringing with all the holiday chaos I would be anti-alcohol all together. You would think. You can go 2 paths as an adult. You can go back to what you think is okay and normal because it's what you're used to or you can start your own tradition and ideas of how life should be. In most things relating to my childhood I did do different. The alcohol was one big exception. I took alcohol out and we've had a few really good gatherings at holidays but then I find myself falling back on old ways and allow a few drinks here and there. This is dangerous because it will end up going back to how it was. I am aware of what I am doing now and I will not go backwards.<br />
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Our children, as adults, will make choices in their lives that will drive a Mom to a sort of madness. It's hard to keep on the right side of the fence. When they lived at home and made poor choices you had some control of the outcome. Watching your grown children struggle is complete and utter agony. There's not a damn thing I can say or do about anything they are doing. I mean, I can say all I want but will they listen? Most likely, No. As a parent you are forced to sit back and watch it all play out. Our children often think we are naive and don't know what we are talking about. Ha, I used to say the same thing about my Mom. Then it all crashes and everything you said would happen is now happening. You still do your best to help but not fix it for them. How else do we learn in life if we are bailed out of our mistakes? You try your best to keep on good terms with your children. You never ever give them a reason to doubt your love for them but they still will.<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
A perfect family. What does that even really mean? Who defines what is considered perfect? I love all three of my children and all my grandchildren. Do we having disagreements? Yes. Do we sometimes not talk to one another? Yes. Does that mean we don't love each other? No. There is nothing perfect in this world. I do believe life would certainly be boring if everything always went the way we want it to go. Families are made up of so many unique people it unrealistic to think we will all get along 100%. The one thing I have really learned by being a parent is to never give up hope. Even in the darkest times of parenting and heartbreak you never stop hoping. Hoping things will get better. Hoping people will change. Hoping that everyone will be there in the end. A quote by Elie Wiesel says, "<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "open sans" , "arial" , "sans serif"; font-size: 28px;">Just as man cannot live without dreams, he cannot live without hope. If dreams reflect the past, hope summons the future." </span></blockquote>
I will continue to look towards my future and my family's future. Looking back serves no real good purpose. My family may not be society's definition of perfect and that is okay by me. My family is mine and I love them no matter what. Love is the glue that holds us together and that's more than some people have.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-7902151371004445942017-10-18T21:31:00.000-05:002017-10-18T21:45:46.452-05:00Disney Cruising is better than therapy (almost)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Although therapy is much less expensive than cruising on a Disney ship I have to talk about my breakthroughs I've experienced as a result of vacationing on a Disney cruise! The thing about therapy is we are always told what our childhood should have been like and what is appropriate and what is not. It is really hard to grasp that concept while sitting across from your therapist. Seeing that scenario put to action in real life is something else!<br />
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Disney has taught us that kids can and should have fun as much as possible. There are no real rules to enjoying yourself and you can be whomever you want on a Disney cruise and there is no judgement from anyone. I am always in line to get a picture taken with all the characters and princesses. The Disney cast has it down perfect. They don't judge me, they can see my children come out and they don't skip a beat. They are in character and they pull me into the magic. When my alter, Holly, first met Cinderella she started to cry and tried to explain her tears. Cinderella grabbed her hand and said "Do you like to twirl? Let's Twirl." And they did.<br />
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When my alter's Ivy and Moshie were afraid of Peter Pan and Captain Hook they took the step and met them. They saw that all the children were laughing and enjoying their time and those characters would not hurt them like the pretend characters from their past. People can dress up in costume and be safe. </div>
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Taffy learned that Santa Claus is a good person, not one who will hurt her and shatter her dreams. She was tricked in the past but Disney tricks no one. She learned that Christmas with Santa can be a very happy time! She waved to Santa, who stopped by on our cruise, and he waved back to her and then it began to snow. More Disney magic, she couldn't believe he was so nice and that no harm came to her! </div>
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To tell a child or an adult of trauma that happiness exists means nothing until they see it for themselves. I thank Disney for helping me, all of me, to see that there is such a place for safety and happiness in this world. I will not stop seeing my therapist and I will not stop cruising with Disney. These two therapies have healed me more than anything else could in my life. I am very blessed and I do not take it for granted. I am hoping that others who have had childhood trauma can find the magic I have found in my life. It really does exist and it's not just a pipe dream.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-9638016531539547492017-10-11T22:15:00.000-05:002017-10-11T22:15:38.103-05:00SLEEP...JUST NEED SLEEP<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When I was in my 10th grade of highschool I got real sick with the flu or mono, I really can't remember which it was. After the sickness went away I remember feeling tired all of the time. I started sleeping until noon on the weekends and dragging through classes at school and even falling asleep in classes. I have not felt well rested since then. My entire adult life has been in a constant state of fatigue. I do not know how I made it through basic training for the military. Someone else went through it for me because I don't remember much about it. I have had insomnia since I was a small child and have no recollection of it not being like this. I am awake all night and then I can barely get out of bed in the morning. It's a huge struggle for me and I'm feeling depressed about it. I can't make my loved ones understand the deep fatigue I always feel. I may be smiling, up and doing things but I am dragging inside. I think about sleep more than anything else in my life. It consumes me in a big way. When I do finally get to sleep I do not get an escape. I dream about how tired I am or the pain I am in. Other times I am plagued with nightmares or flashbacks. I do not know how I function from day to day. Eventually I crash and then I will sleep for 20 or more hours at a time. Only waking up to use the restroom and going straight back to bed. I have slept for 3 days straight before. I know I have some kind of sleep disorder or something.<br />
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My therapist recommended today that I get sleep study done. She said I can take the equipment home to do the study and they rarely have you sleep at the hospital anymore. I told her I don't know if I can do it because I don't fall asleep until late morning. I don't see how it will help me but maybe my sleep cycles are out of sync or something. I never feel refreshed from sleep. I hit the snooze button on my alarm and immediately go back into a dream. I don't how that happens. Every single time I hit the snooze, and it can be over 10 times, I always fall back into a dream state. My dreams are always vivid and I can remember dreams from when I was kid. I often have to really think about memories I have and be sure they were not dreams that I had. I am 50 years old and I would love to find a way to sleep solid, wake up refreshed and energetic. I don't want or think I can continue much longer on this path.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-85105871534475109202017-09-06T21:44:00.000-05:002017-09-06T21:44:02.799-05:00Blank<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I feel super overwhelmed with emotion yet I feel blank. I don't want to feel anything, anymore. I'm tired of dealing with past issues. I want to just move on already. I'm getting all sort of illnesses and pain as a result of gaining co-consciousness and I almost want to go back to the days of losing time. The whole problem with co-communication is the stuff they held for you now becomes yours. This isn't fair. I feel as if I'm being punished again and again for something I didn't want or ask for. It's so hard to stay positive in life when you are constantly reminded of past pain and traumas. Every time I am in a flare or I get a new medical diagnosis I become so angry yet I do not know how to release the anger, so I stuff it back down. Lord help us all when the day comes and I have enough courage to let it go.<br />
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Emily Dickinson reminds us:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;">Pain—has an Element of Blank—</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;">It cannot recollect</span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;">When it begun—or if there were</span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;">A time when it was not—</span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;">It has no Future—but itself—</span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;">Its Infinite contain</span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;">Its Past—enlightened to perceive</span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;">New Periods—of Pain.</span><div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Book Antiqua", Palatino, serif; font-size: 16px;">She had it spot on. I am forever blank.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-54652758695951582782017-08-13T15:28:00.001-05:002017-08-13T15:28:34.236-05:00It's time that I get justifiably angry<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My therapist has been encouraging me for years to allow myself to be angry with those who hurt me so much. I've always been afraid to do this because I was not ever allowed to express my feelings growing up. If I did express any feeling it was quickly shut down either by physical means, verbal threats or ridicule. I've never felt real safe being angry. Anger has always been dangerous to me and nothing positive has ever come from it. I feel intimidated by others anger and do all I can to calm things down when things get heated. I didn't get angry with my mother until a year after she passed away. When I finally did get angry it was easier for me to start dealing with the past. When she was still alive I was so afraid of her and was always doing what I could to be better a daughter to her. I took her criticism and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting">gaslighting</a> and shoved my feelings down deep. When she died I stood up and gave an award winning eulogy about how amazing she was. I look back now and cringe at the words I spoke about her. Who did I think I was kidding? Anyone who really knew her had to be asking themselves the same question.<br />
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I have been having a lot of health issues arise since I started really dealing with the past. I had only skimmed the surface with my other therapists and then they dropped me because they no longer knew how to help me. I met my new therapist who is very experienced and qualified in treating DID. My progress has been tremendous with her. The one aspect of therapy I was not expecting to have to deal with was the health problems that result. She explained to me that when you begin to develop good <a href="https://sarahkreece.com/2012/08/07/what-is-co-consciousness/">co-consciousness</a> problems you have had all along start to surface. My alters have been very brave and very strong for holding these problems from me for a long time. These health issues are not new at all. The more I learn about cellular memory, the brain and trauma it is now beginning to make a lot of sense. It's like a jigsaw puzzle and the pieces are finally matching up.<br />
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This brings me to the anger I need to let happen. I recently went to an ENT surgeon. I need to have a surgery because my nose is severely deviated and is becoming odd and misshapen. I speak very nasal and I cannot breathe well. I have chronic sinus pain and jaw pain. The doctor was very surprised when I told her I had not had any past surgery on my nose or septum. She said she has never seen so much scar tissue in someone's septum and sinuses. She then asked had I ever had my nose broken or any trauma to my face. I told her it's very likely due to my abusive upbringing. I was not taken to a doctor when injuries from abuse happened. I have many traumas that were done to my body that were never treated and now, as a 49 year old adult, are causing major issues. The surgery is going to be 5 to 6 hours long and the recovery is 8 months. I left the appointment very emotional and upset. I called my son and talked with him and he made the comment, "Geez, Mom, every time you try to move on from your past it jumps right back up and slaps you in the face." That really resonated with me. He is so right. All of the health issues I have are a result of childhood trauma. I have had 9 surgeries, and 27 hospital stays in my 49 years of life. That's not typical, at all. The fact I had to have reparative surgery as a result of childhood sexual trauma really pisses me off. The fact that I am in pain from my fibromyalgia pisses me off because it is a reminder of what happened to me. I feel like my abusers commited terrible crimes against me and I get to serve their life sentence. It's totally unfair and totally justifiable for me to be angry. I should be angry!<br />
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The question I am now faced with is how do I release this anger in a healthy, safe and therapeutic way? I would love to find one of those houses they use to allow people to break the glass, break dishes and furniture and so on. I want to be able to put on some safety goggles, be surrounded by my support circle and let it all loose. I want to allow myself and my insiders to go "crazy" as long as we all need to and if that needs to happen multiple times, then so be it. Anger is negative energy and hanging on to it is toxic to the body. I need to get rid of it. It is super hard to focus on the positives surrounding me when the negatives are pulling me downwards. I want to be weightless and free. I feel if I can get the anger out I can work on myself in a more motivated manner and not be afraid to keep moving forward. I just need to find the right moment in time to do this.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-8888277008382801052017-08-01T22:27:00.000-05:002017-08-01T22:27:45.719-05:00Your tired is not my tired<div style="text-align: center;">
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Something I think about all of the time is how tired I am. I don't know what it feels like not to be tired. When I was a child I took naps voluntarily. My Mom said I slept through the night when I was just a baby. I don't know why this is but I have a theory.</div>
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I've been reading a lot about cellular memory and adrenal fatigue. I believe I had cortisol overload happening while I was still in the womb. I don't think there was a stressless moment from the time I was conceived. My brain and my body did not know how to process stress properly because there was always such chaos going on. The times I did sleep growing up I was always awakened by screams of my Mom being beaten or I had someones hands on me or breath on me doing inappropriate things to me. I remember falling asleep at parties as a child and being carried out to the car at all hours of the night. I had no consistency in my life. </div>
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I've been learning that there is a huge link to autoimmune disease and Fibromyalgia because of childhood trauma. I have Celiac Disease, Hypothyroidism (as a result of Hashimoto Disease), Fibromyalgia, and Depression. All of these problems cause severe fatigue. I feel like I'm swimming against the current all of the time. When someone tells me how tired they are I find myself rolling my eyes inwardly. Those people can go to bed, fall asleep for 8 hours and wake up feeling refreshed. They can take a nap and it fixes their fatigue. This does not work for me. I go to bed so tired but I cannot sleep because of pain and restless legs. When I do fall asleep I wake up non-stop throughout the night. I do not get restorative sleep. Nothing in the world feels more lonely than laying in bed next to someone who is sound asleep. I find myself becoming resentful and angry at people. I want to feel good. I don't want to hurt. I want to have energy.</div>
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Having a dissociative disorder complicates the situation even more. It's almost impossible for me to shut my brain down. It's always active and someone is always up and about. I want to shut out all the inner noise and all of the crying. I'm not only physically tired but I am emotionally tired. I am even to the point that I am spiritually tired. I try to look at my life in a positive way but sometimes everything is just too much. I can't always fake a smile or hold in my tears. I feel like quitting a lot of the time. Life can seem so pointless when all you do is work on the past so you can live in the present and move towards the future. </div>
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Have you ever had a dream that felt so real and then you wake up and everything is so happy? Then your mind tricks you because you never actually woke up and that you were still dreaming? I keep hoping that I will wake up and find myself better, healthy and energetic. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. It makes me feel hopeless for my future. I don't want to live to be 90 years old if I have to feel this way the whole time. Something has to get better with me.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-1187083441900940812017-07-20T18:48:00.004-05:002017-07-20T21:25:00.487-05:00Why I move so fast in the kitchen<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Yesterday, my therapist
and I got onto a topic of why I find myself rushing around in my kitchen. My
husband has pointed out that I move way too fast while I'm doing things in the
kitchen and so has my daughter. I never really understood why I do this or even
recognizing that I do this. My therapist is amazing and is like a detective.
She goes off what I start to say and has me back up and review my thought on
what I am remembering. Yesterday I told her that there's a part of me
that hates being in my kitchen while other parts of me consider the kitchen my
favorite place to be in my house. I love cooking and having family gathered
around the table. I started going through memories and time frames in my life.
Pardon my language but there was a shit ton of trauma done to me in kitchens
more than any other room in every house I've lived in. Instead of trying to
write detailed memories of each event I am just going to list things that have
come up in my rumination of past crap. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<ul type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">My first memory of kitchen trauma was when I was around
2 or 3. My dad had come home from someplace and my Aunt was babysitting
me. I was running up to him saying, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! in a
child's excitement to see my parent. His response? A backhand that sent me
flying into a wall, hitting the back of my head as he says, "Get the
hell out of my way." <o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Seeing my Mom being beaten by my Dad in the kitchen as
my little body tried pulling him off her and ended up getting the beating in
return.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Being hit and kicked and called "stupid",
"retarded", idiot" and more for not understanding my math
homework being done at the kitchen table at the age of 7. This happened
over the years and always done in the kitchen.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Being ridiculed for making sounds while eating and
having my food scraped onto the floor and being made to eat the food on
the dirty floor on my hands and knees while having to make oinking sounds.
Kicks to the ribs if I wasn't oinking enough.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Being raped on almost a daily basis by and old man
named <span style="background: yellow;">Squirrely</span> after
school every day at the age of 8 and 9. I went to my Mom constantly for
soreness and itching in my vaginal area only to have her rub <span style="background: yellow;">Lanocain</span> on it. She never took me to
a doctor for this and it was chronic. I am sure she knew something but was
afraid to do anything about it.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Being hit in the face and having my face shoved into
the kitchen sinks sideways as my Mom poured liquid soup into my mouth
because I wore mascara to school in 5th grade. <o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Being forced to eat huge plates of food by my Dad and
if I began to gag or vomit he would shovel more food into my mouth and put
his hand over my mouth. If I threw up before he could do so I would be fed
my vomit or have my face rubbed it it.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">When I was 4 years old I was curious about what a hot
pepper was and my Dad gave me one and forced me to eat the whole thing as
I cried and gagged from the heat. My Grandma was angry with him and tried
to intervene but he wouldn't stop. Later my Grandpa let my Dad have it.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Being made to sit on my knees with my back straight up
against a wall in the kitchen</span>for eating something I wasn't supposed to eat when I
was in kindergarten. The more I struggled the longer I was forced to sit
like this.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Dishes and glasses being thrown in the kitchen when
fights with my parents broke out.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Doing the dishes in 6th grade and the sink was full and
my hands were submerged to my elbows. My Dad is leaving the room and tells
me, "Don't go anywhere" and me making the mistake of being
snarky responding with, "Where would I even go right now?" He
ran at me and threw me against the kitchen pantry door and punching my
head. My shirt got torn and he was telling me I had better never talk back
to him again. Afterward he sewed my shirt and told me if I told anyone
he'd kill me.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">Being raped in high school in a kitchen <o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">This isn't everything.
These are from memories given to me by others inside throughout the past. There
are more but I am getting super nauseous right now and feeling a bit <span style="background: yellow;">un</span>-grounded. I will listen to my body clues
and stop with making this list.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">It is beginning to make
sense to me why I rush around. I may be okay with the kitchen but there are
those inside who are not. I sense their feelings and take them on. I'm
basically hurrying up what I need to do so I can get out of there. Another
thing making sense to me is why I do not want people to help me when I am
cooking in the kitchen. This is the one area in my life when I feel like I am
in complete control. I don't want anyone helping me, advising me on how I
should do things and so on. It's my personal space to have control. I am going
to start working on noticing my hurried behavior and come up with ways to calm
my inside system. I know some people do not understand how going through all
this past stuff is beneficial to me but I am telling you that it is extremely
important to remove all waste from the mind. It's a gross analogy but it can be
compared to constipation but of the mind. Just as you must eliminate toxins
from your colon to be healthy you must also eliminate toxins from your past
junk in your memory banks. If you don't get therapy and guidance and do this
for yourself you will remain sick just as if you let your colon remain
constipated. It's toxic, it's gross and it's unhealthy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">I have been in therapy
most of my life. There is no magical period for me to be healed. It is an
ongoing process. I can tell you that when I look at the 20-year-old Sherry
versus the 49, almost 50 Sherry, I see huge progress in growth and attitude and
strength. Yes, my past still hurts and I have my days where I get angry and sad
about it. Yet, I will not allow my past abusers to continue to rent space in my
head. I am evicting them all and feeling darn good about it. The past will always
be yucky to talk and think about but the more I talk about it the less painful
it becomes and the better I feel. I will get through this kitchen struggle just
as I have other struggles. I never know what is coming up with my inside system
so it helps me to blog, talk, cry, and do whatever I need to do to move forward
in my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-25556157632134818162017-07-13T00:33:00.001-05:002017-07-13T00:33:57.126-05:00Vlog<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I can't sleep. I'm in pain emotionally and physically so I did a vlog.</div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-20472715812334347292017-07-09T20:33:00.003-05:002017-07-09T20:38:40.030-05:00Held hostage to Effexor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I forgot to take my Effexor XR for 2 days. That is a bad, bad thing to do. I couldn't figure out why I was so angry, weepy and edgy and I feeling out of sorts. When the brain zaps started I knew right away what was happening. I have been so forgetful lately and I haven't been using my pillbox, huge mistake right there! I am so upset with myself right now. I feel weird and shaky now. I did take a pill at 7:30 but not much improvement almost an hour later.<br />
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I am angry with my doctor who prescribed this to me. I was weaned off of Cymbalta and had a nightmare of a time with discontinuation syndrome. She put me on this because it was "better than Cymbalta with fewer side effects." Baloney! It has a lot of unwanted side effects such as :dry mouth, constipation, insomnia and weight gain. The reason I was put on this godawful drug was to help me feel better with the Fibromyalgia pain. Guess what? I don't feel better. I want to get off of this drug so bad. I'm terrified of the withdrawal and how scary it gets. I should have done my research before taking the first pill. I should not have put all my trust into my doctor, especially a military one.<br />
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I was just talking to my husband and told him I want to stop taking this but he said I should wait until we move into our new house. That's over a year away. I hate that I have to take this one more day let alone one more year. As soon as I get off of this, I will never take another pill for Fibromyalgia. I will do what I can naturally through acupuncture, massage, diet and exercise. I have lost faith in most medications that have been given to me. The CBD oil in paste form worked the best for me and whether or not I like the taste of it will not matter. I will do whatever I need to do.<br />
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<a href="https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-discontinuation-syndrome/" target="_blank">What is discontinuation syndrome?</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-21372457076734646242017-07-09T18:13:00.000-05:002017-07-09T20:16:54.405-05:00Quick update<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My life has been a whirlwind since I last posted. I didn't write anything in the whole month of June and it's hard for me to remember everything that has gone on. I have been in and out of depression along with fibromyalgia flare ups. I'm trying very hard not to complain and to keep smiling through it all but sometimes that's just not enough. I have been doing all that I can to take care of myself and find the time to spend with those I love.<br />
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I still have not met my new granddaughter but won't give up on praying for it. That's all I can do at this time. Hopefully, my son and his girlfriend will come around. I got to spend some time with one of my granddaughter's and lots more with my new grandson. I am trying to focus on the blessings that are right in front of me instead of what I do not have.<br />
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In therapy, I discovered that a rocking chair would be very therapeutic for all of us. When kids rock they are trying to soothe themselves. Because I had a lifetime of trauma I pretty much need to be soothing myself at all times. Rocking is one way that helps me and a lot of the little one's inside. It's about <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_self-regulation" target="_blank">regulating emotional responses</a> to old memories and dealing with day to day stress. Our chair arrives on the 14th of this month and we are looking forward to using it.<br />
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Fibromyalgia is a mood killer and frustration beyond explanation. I keep having hopes that the more I deal with my past in therapy the less pain I will feel from this disease. I totally believe that my pain is on a cellular level and I will changes the cells in my body by dealing with past trauma. If I don't deal with it and push it aside, I will remain disabled by it. <a href="https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg22429941-200-the-lifelong-cost-of-burying-our-traumatic-experiences/" target="_blank">Read "The lifelong cost of burying our traumatic experiences."</a><br />
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On a happier note, my husband and I paid for some land in full and are looking for a builder to build our home. It will be a custom home and everything we want in a house for the rest of our lives. It's going to be an exciting journey and, at times, very stressful. In the end it will be worth it. I look forward to living in the community we chose as it is a very active and friendly community. More than half the community is prior military and that makes a huge difference to us. People who are military are very friendly and family oriented. I look forward to socialization and new friendships! I cannot tell you how tired I am of suburban neighborhood living. We bought 1.01 acres of land and we have a lots of established old oak trees surrounding our property, as well as, cactus and persimmon trees. We can design any type of home we'd like and the only requirement is the outside of it be stucco, stone or brick. So awesome!<br />
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Until next time, be well and be strong!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-28660927064104996012017-06-14T22:34:00.000-05:002017-06-15T17:21:07.737-05:00Revisiting the night I went to jail<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today in therapy we discussed the night we went to jail. Again. Except, this time I actually described it with real emotion and pain to my therapist. I have made another blog post regarding this night but I didn't go in depth and I didn't allow my readers to feel what I felt that horrible night.<br />
It all started when my son, with bipolar. He started freaking out over his computer. He was getting angry with it and the things it was not doing that he wanted it to do. He wasn't making sense and I was suspicious he hadn't taken his medications that day. He was very animated and manicky. He began to hit his computer with his fists and I told him to go to his room and take a breather. He refused to listen to me. After 3 times of telling him without any response I got up from my chair and went over to him. I put my hand on his hand with a light grip on his hair and pulled his head back to look at me. He flipped out and jumped out of his chair and grabbed me and started running me from room to room with my wrists bent backwards. He was screaming at me to never touch him, ever, and that how dare I touch him! He was getting very violent with me so I yelled to my older son to please call 911. I was concerned for my safety as he had hurt me before. My oldest son called the police and meanwhile my other son is still screaming at me and threatening me. I grabbed an aluminum handled broom and threw it at him as a way to get him to back off. I don't know for sure if the broom hit him or not but he starting screaming that I was a "fucking psychotic bitch" over and over and finally ran out the door to a neighbor's house.<br />
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I run over to my neighbors to go get him and he's telling them, again, that I'm a "fucking psychotic bitch." I'm trying to reason with him and he's being totally defiant. Meanwhile the cops show up and my husband is called from work to come home. I spent about 30 minutes talking to the cops, telling them that I don't know what to do with my son anymore and that he is so out of control. They kept suggesting taking him to juvie and getting him in the system. My husband arrives and we talk some more with the police about my son's behavior and how he is getting harder to handle and he has bipolar and is under psychiatric care. The cops then proceed to explain that if we go down the juvie route we will lose all control and access to our son. My husband and I decide that we do not want that to happen. As soon as we stated, "No we do not want our son to go to juvie", the officer then turned to me and said "I'm going to need you to put your hands behind your back." I feel to my knees and my littles started coming out begging Bob to help us. It was the one time he couldn't. The officer then said " Your son has a mark on his side and I need to take you in for child abuse." I was freaking out! I was definitely not a child abuser. I was trying to defend myself from my 6'4 son who was in a bipolar rage. The officer then tells me, " this is just a formality. Your husband can pick you up within the hour." So, I got in the back of the police car, handcuffed and in disbelief. My husband gave the officer my medications with the assurance that they would give them to me at the station.<br />
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The door to the police car shuts. The first thing the officer tells me is: "You will not be going home tonight." What?! I felt very tricked and very angry and very afraid. I was devastated and I looked out the police car window and saw my son's face. Total look of satisfaction and smugness. I was so beyond upset at this point. I get to the police station and I am barefoot because they wouldn't let Bob get me my shoes. They paraded me into the jail and all of the other officers start yelling at me and berating me and making fun of my dissociative disorder. They put my in a tiny windowless cell with a toilet and concrete bed. I could not stop crying. I was banging on the door, begging someone to talk to me. The one female officer who finally opened the door proceeded to tell me I was a rotten, disgusting child abuser. I begged her to give me my anxiety meds which she refused. I am very claustrophobic and being in this room was like being in Hell. I was switching like crazy and having panic attacks and was so confused to how I got there.<br />
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After being in the cell about 4 hours I was taken for mug shots and then they did a body search on me. I had to strip completely naked and bend over so the officer could check my butt and vagina for drugs. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. I was then given an orange jumpsuit and rubber sandals and sent back to my small cell. After breakfast (hard boiled egg and banana) was slid under my door I started begging the new shift officer to please let me take my medication. I guess she felt sorry for me and called the nurse and they had me go up and take my medicine. I was treated like utter crap and mocked and laughed at, again and again. <br />
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My husband showed up and I was able to talk on a phone with a glass wall between us. He told me my bail was set for $10,000 and he was trying to figure out how to get me out. What in the hell? $10,000 for throwing a broom to get away from my son? I started crying hysterically to my husband, begging him to help me and to get me out of there. As soon as I hung up with him they decided to put me in with the general population. I was so afraid. There was a group of women who wanted to kick my ass because I was crying. I was begging the other women in there to help me. I was trying not to cry but I couldn't stop. I hunkered down with my wool blanket under the stairs and prayed I would get out of there. I was watching these women and thinking they would kill me when suddenly an officer arrived and called my name. My bail had been made!<br />
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My husband got me out on a signature bond and I ended up going to court 3 times over this stupid incident. It was scary and my husband and I have both said if we would have had money back then we would have sued the Sarpy county sheriff department. There was so much they did that was not right. The thing that stands out the most, though, is how my son looked at me and how he was not really held accountable for what had happened. My husband was so concerned for me that he didn't really discipliine my son for what went down. We found out he had gone 3 days without taking his bipolar medication. I knew something wasn't right that night he was upset. I asked him over and over, "have you been taking your meds?" which was met with defiance and silence.<br />
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To this day I have a serious fear of the police. I have friends who are police officers but I am still very afraid of the police. I was treated so poorly and not treated with any compassion that my worst fear is to go through that again. I did absolutely nothing wrong that night yet I was traumatized and victimized by those who were supposed to be helping me. I still have to process through all this. I thought I had already but after today's session I realize I've barely skimmed the surface.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-21117549995508110342017-06-05T02:25:00.000-05:002017-06-05T02:25:10.460-05:00My heart hurts<br />
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Today I found out I have a new granddaughter. A granddaughter whose name I do not know and may never meet. My son and his girlfriend had their little girl on June 2nd. It broke my heart into a million pieces to see the "other grandma" holding her. I wish I didn't care. Why can't I just let it go? I feel such agony inside. I have not spoke to my son since March 2016 and I long to get a phone call or something to share the excitement. It hurts to have a child who hates you and blames you for everything wrong in their life. All I ever did was love him and did all I could do to help him. His bipolar is a barrier. I let him go and was okay with letting him go until I found out he was going to be a father. All the sadness came back into my heart and my mind. I can't stop thinking about him. I also worry for the baby. What kind of life will she have? Will she live a life of happiness? It's hard to imagine that to be true. I know my son. I know how he is and how he can become when in an episode of psychosis and manic behavior. It scares me.<br />
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I never imagined my life to be this way looking back. I always had high hopes and dreams of my children all loving one another and getting along as friends. I had hopes that my children would want to spend time with us and not just on holidays. I never thought it would be the way that it is. I wanted my family to be close and happy and healthy. What can I do about it now? I did the best I could when they were growing up. I know it was hard for them living with a mom with DID. They were put in situations they didn't belong in and had to grow up faster than they should have. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I wish I could take everything back but I can't.<br />
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I have not thought of self injuring in a very long time and I ended up dissociating the entire day after learning of the news. Now I am back in the present and I can't stop crying and trying not to cut. I don't understand this pain and why it is so intense. I am afraid and yet I don't care. I may appear happy most of the time but if people knew my real thoughts they'd be so freaked out. I just have to get this out of me. I feel like a complete failure and I feel as if I've experienced a death of a loved one. The grief is unbearable.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-72831609656080884862017-05-10T20:22:00.002-05:002017-05-10T20:22:47.342-05:00I'm living in The Karpman Drama Triangle <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today at therapy I learned about the <a href="https://eduardolbm.wordpress.com/2014/09/06/drama-triangle-and-psychological-games/" target="_blank">Karpman Drama Triangle</a>. I am starting to understand that the people I surround myself with all have a role in this triangle and you can probably guess which role is mine the majority of the time. As much as I hate to admit that I am the victim more often than not it is not conscious on my part. This is a totally learned behavior and I have 2 alters, in particular, that go straight to this role in any conflict that happens in our life. Shelby, who is 13 and Shelley, who is 7 are always trying to smooth everything over in conflicts and they alway blame themselves and feel like they are forever being attacked and that they are treated poorly and unfairly, even when that is not the case. They are huge people pleasers and want the entire world to like them and because, realistically, that does not happen they become distraught and depressed. There is no gray area it always black or white. They will be the first to apologize in any situation regardless of whomever is at fault. They will allow people to treat them like garbage as long as everyone moves forward and accepts their apologies.</div>
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This behavior needs to stop today. We have all come to an agreement that any negative emotions or outbursts directed our way will go into our newly created trash compactor and will be turned into solid blocks. If you have seen the movie Wall-E that is how it's going to be. Blocks piled on top of blocks in a creative but organized manner. This is not to say that we are stuffing our feelings inside but rather we are throwing other people's garbage to a place where it will no longer abuse our hearts. It will not be taken on by us any longer. We will no longer makes excuses or will we apologize for other people's behavior and psychological projections they try to throw upon us. For far too long we have done this and this needs to stop. No more manipulation of feelings. No more threats against us. No more taking on unwarranted blame. No more self pity and no more excuses. Today is the day it all ends.</div>
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This relationship triangle game has run its course. I know change takes time and there may be a few setbacks before it's totally working. The point is I now know what is going on and I will no longer be a game player. I am now going to stand up for myself and I don't need someone fighting my battles for me. I am stronger than I allow myself to believe. I will not beg for anyone to be a part of my life. If they want to be in my life then will be there. I will not beg for anyone's affection. If they love me then they will show it and I don't need to ask for it. I'm a much better person than all of this. I don't need to lower my standards of myself to be accepted. I am turning 50 years old in 3 months. I am not going to spend the next stage of my life stuck in this triangle. I deserve better. </div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-89568922318955765042017-05-07T18:35:00.001-05:002017-05-07T18:35:46.865-05:00Namaste<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Have you ever been lifted by the back of your head from behind and thrown to the ground? I have and in that moment in time I developed an inner child who likes to be called Namaste. This did not only happen to me once in my lifetime, it happened many times. It was always from behind and a surprise. Back in September of 2016 I fell and damaged my rotator cuff and began having horrible neck pain. I was taking lots of narcotics for the pain, had injections done (which punctured my dural sac in my neck) and spoke with a neurosurgeon, who said there was nothing he could do to fix my problem. I felt desperate and helpless but then I had a massage the day after my neurosurgeon appointment. During the massage when she started massaging my neck I felt myself dissociating and there was no pain. Two days later I woke up. I know now that the pain in my neck that I've been having was a <a href="http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk2/" target="_blank">psychosomatic response</a> to the injury I felt as a child being thrown to the grown. This alter that has been discovered has intense neck and shoulder pain. Since her appearance the pain I feel in my neck has been getting better, but not to say it's totally disappeared. Sometimes uncovering past memories and understanding what happened to you can cause changes physically in the body. The brain is so amazing!<br />
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This alter has given me a new kind of hope I haven't felt before. I feel like a lot of the pain I have been feeling ,that is called Fibromyalgia ,may actually be from <a href="http://www.traumatransferencesyndrome.com/" target="_blank">trauma transference syndrome</a>! If this is the case, there is a ton of hope for my future health. Just feeling less neck pain has shown me that this really does happen. I used to think some of this research was a bunch of bunk but I don't think that anymore. Trauma and abuse does a whole heck of a lot to a person's mind, body and soul. It doesn't just disappear once the moment of abuse is over. It becomes even worse when a person does not deal with it in a healthy way and keeps it locked inside.<br />
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As a Christian I am not into all the new age stuff and the whole meaning of the Hindu version of <a href="https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/us/namaste" target="_blank">Namaste</a> I do think I could think of it as "I honor your soul as you honor mine." I'm very careful about this because it's not inline with what the Bible teaches. I will respect this new inner person and allow her to be called this. This is a interesting journey and I feel I am getting so much stronger and at peace every day!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-14913755564889305062017-03-22T21:16:00.000-05:002017-03-22T21:16:14.525-05:00Invalidation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today in therapy we discussed psychological invalidation. The reason it was brought up was because of an incident that happened yesterday. My husband woke up and was talking to me when I was I was in the kitchen. He asked why I had been crying and I told him that I was sad that it was our son's birthday and I couldn't talk to him. My husband responded with, "It's like you are looking for reasons to be sad. You don't need to have an anniversary for everything!" Well, that was a bad thing to say to me. Ginger flew out and started screaming at him and cursing him out. She was beyond pissed and was venomous towards him. Then the tears started and the threats of self harm. My therapist and I discussed why this may happen. It boils down to the feeling that we are be belittled, judged and made to feel stupid for our our emotions. This stems way back to my childhood and how I was not allowed to display any emotions. If I did there were huge consequences. If I was. on a rare occasion, asked for my opinion on a matter it was immediately ridiculed or diminished. I was stupid or didn't know what I was talking about. If I became emotional because my feelings were being hurt I was labeled as melodramatic, a crybaby, overly sensitive or an attention seeker. My feelings didn't matter...at all.<br />
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Having emotional trauma in the past sets you up for over-reaction to any kind of criticism. You feel like you have to defend yourself. You have a hard time understanding criticism that is constructive. It's either black or white. There is no middle ground. While my husband could have phrased his comments differently, he was not trying to hurt me. He was trying to understand why we are emotional about some things. It's hard to explain to him when we don't understand it well ourselves. Just because people don't understand and I don't understand doesn't make what I'm feeling any less real. I need to find a way to help people to understand what it is I need from them when I feel like they aren't hearing me or responding to me in a helpful way. Is it really all that important that people understand my emotions and feelings? To me, yes, it is. For so many years of my life I did not receive positive validation. I had to beg, cry, and rant to try and be heard. I yearn to be heard and to be understood. The fact that I am fractured into so many parts tells me it is important. A person with DID is not just healing oneself. They are healing multiple selves. As me, the host, I can better comprehend criticism on my own. The issue lies with my younger selves. They have not reached the same maturity level as me. They are on a whole different level psychologically. When Ginger came out it was a 15 year old adolescent who was looking out for the younger alters best interest. She will not allow anyone to harm them again. She handled just as a teenager would. Ranting and storming off instead of talking things through. I am still working on finding a way to keep her from doing this. Triggers happen quickly and we are working on finding a way to recognize when it is happening so we can avoid switching.<br />
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The one advice I would like to put out here is this: When someone is upset about something you may not understand, try to just listen. Don't assume, don't act impatient and don't make comments that are not necessary. It does not matter if the person in front of you is having a meltdown, you just have to listen and keep them safe. Telling someone to calm down or stop acting in a particular way never helps and only makes the situation worse. Talking in a quiet tone and often a hug will defuse the whole situation. Another thing, please don't accuse a person of bringing a problem or sadness on to themselves. Honestly, that's another form of invalidation. This person doesn't want to feel upset or sad. Telling them that they do is cruel and wrong, especially when the person was looking for comfort. Allow the upset person to reflect on their emotions when they have calmed down. Not everyone is looking to be fixed when sad and are just looking for a sounding board or having their feelings understood. Ultimately the only one who can fix us, is us. Your advice is helpful, when it's asked for otherwise it really is not much help.<br />
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Here are a few links that talk about invalidation:<br />
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<a href="https://www.edcinstitute.org/library/120-effects-and-impact/150-invalidation-as-a-form-of-abuse.html" target="_blank">https://www.edcinstitute.org/library/120-effects-and-impact/150-invalidation-as-a-form-of-abuse.html</a><br />
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<a href="https://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/borderline-personality-disorder-chronic-invalidation.html" target="_blank">https://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/borderline-personality-disorder-chronic-invalidation.html</a><br />
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<a href="https://blogs.psychcentral.com/emotionally-sensitive/2012/02/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience/" target="_blank">https://blogs.psychcentral.com/emotionally-sensitive/2012/02/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience/</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-63897879628299064872017-03-21T05:46:00.003-05:002017-03-21T05:46:49.771-05:00Missing my son today<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today is my son's 28th birthday. He has not spoken to me or anyone in the family for over a year now. I am feeling so sad inside. I just want my family to be okay and for my son to heal and get better mentally. He has struggled with bipolar all of his life and his father and I have done so much to try to help him. Sometimes it's just not enough. I know he is going through a really tough time right now and has a huge responsibility to deal with coming up. I just wish I could tell him how much I love him and how much I care. After finding out that my friend passed away the other day I am feeling very heavy hearted. I don't want to go without talking to my child anymore. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and I want to make things right but I don't know how. I have no way of contacting him except by email. He's changed his phone number and is moving.<br />
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I have tried very hard to move forward and to do tough love. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't think it is what God would want me to do. I want my son to know that I am still here for him and I am not ever going to give up on him. He's done a lot of hurtful things to me and other family members but I know he is sick and he needs help to make some changes. I just miss him and wish that I could turn my feelings off. This will be the first birthday of his that I have not spoken with him. It feels so horrible. How do I get over this?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-67222277475749023582017-03-19T13:05:00.001-05:002017-03-19T13:05:58.600-05:00Tomorrow isn't promised<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Yesterday I found out a childhood friend of mine has died. I feel terrible because the last time she reached out to me for help I was not in a good mood and ignored her text. Then, I forgot to get back to her because I was too involved with my own stuff. I should have called her and been there for her. Now it is too late. I hate when something like this happens and I am left with a pile of regrets. It takes something like this to remind me that life is so precious and very fleeting. It makes me reflect on all of my broken relationships and even the ones that are not broken. Who do I need to talk with today? Who do I need to mend problems with? If you have never lost someone in your life to death it is hard to explain the feelings you have when a loved one passes and you have unresolved issues. </div>
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In the Bible in Ephesians 4:26, we are told something very important. Paul tells us,</div>
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"<span class="reftext" style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-weight: 700; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; text-align: justify; text-indent: 25px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/ephesians/4-26.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>26</b></a></span><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify; text-indent: 25px;">And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.”</span><span class="nltfootnote" style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #0066aa; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; font-style: italic; font-weight: 700; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 1px; text-align: justify; text-indent: 25px;"><sup><a href="http://biblehub.com/nlt/ephesians/4.htm#footnotesd" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;">d</a></sup></span><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify; text-indent: 25px;"> Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, </span><span class="reftext" style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; font-weight: 700; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; text-align: justify; text-indent: 25px; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/ephesians/4-27.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;"><b>27</b></a></span><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify; text-indent: 25px;">for anger gives a foothold to the devil." </span></div>
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This bible scripture is so very, very good to practice. When someone dies and you haven't forgiven and you have bitterness and judgement in your heart towards them, it is so painful to grieve. Your mind will dwell on your last moment of time together. I'm sitting here right now, struggling with my feelings. I was not a good friend to her by not helping her when she needed me. I was too annoyed with her at the time and chose to ignore her and get back to her later. Later never came. And here I am feeling like a huge jerk. Everytime you walk away from someone, or say good bye, your next moment with them is never guaranteed. I need to work hard on fixing any unresolved matters with people I have a relationship with. I need to set aside my judgements, my pride, my feelings of resentment and hurt. Yesterday is over and I need to work on the present. I do not want to keep experiencing this remorse. The excuse of "I am so busy" or "I will get back to you later" or "they are wrong so until they apologize I'm not speaking to them until they do" needs to stop today. God is never too busy for me. God never gets back to me later. God never stops being there for me no matter what I say or what I do. I want to live God-like. I cannot be perfect but I sure can be a better person. It's time I stop putting myself first and others second. this is not to say I should not take care of myself because that is important, too. It does mean, though, I need to stop myself and ask "Is what I'm doing this very moment more important that what this person needs from me?" More often than not the answer will be no. If a person is reaching out to me in need the most urgent task for me to do is help them. </div>
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I love you, my dear friend, and I am very sorry I let my ego get in the way when you needed me the most. I am glad you are in a much better place and free from all your hardships and pain. Thank you for allowing your death to be a lesson to me. Thank you for being a friend to me and turning to me in times of need. I wish I hadn't let you down this last time. I will move forward and I will begin practicing Paul's words, starting today.</div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3892348698148769113.post-84296651336504183692017-03-08T21:07:00.000-06:002017-03-08T21:07:16.872-06:00No more self sabotage!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today in therapy I talked about my self sabotaging behavior and why I do it and how do I stop it. Whenever something is going very well for me in my life, whether it be with my health, my relationships, my goals, et cetera, I eventually stop doing whatever it is that is working for the good of things. I was feeling amazing when I was eating a strict Paleo diet. I was losing weight, I had energy. my skin looked great. I was taking my probiotics and my supplements daily. I was feeling the best I have felt my entire life. And then I stopped eating right, I stopped taking my supplements. Now I am back to feeling like utter crap, I've put weight back on and I feel sad all of the time. Why? Everything was going so well. What is the problem? Sigh....it all stems back from my childhood, as usual. It would be nice to go on with life without my ugly past rearing it's head constantly. I voiced my frustration with my therapist about turning 50 this year and yet I am still dealing with crud that happened to me back when I was a just a kid. Working on yourself gets so old and annoying, at times.<br />
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I think I've finally gotten to the root of this issue. My life was complete craziness and chaos most of the time. Anytime I had good things start to happen to me someone in my life would rip it away from me. I would always have such great hope for happiness and I was never allowed to have it. I was ridiculed, reprimanded, beaten and shamed. I subconsciously do not believe any good will come out of a success that I try to attain. I have all wonderful intentions whenever I start something new and different in my life. I enjoy it for a bit but then there is a panic inside with some of my alters. They start the sabotage process as a way to protect me, even if there is no real harm coming to me, and begin feeding the doubts in me. What triggers this to happen, I discovered today, is when we are challenged by the changes we are trying to make in ourselves and in our life. If anyone questions what I am doing or shows one inkling of disbelief the process then starts. It is a pattern with me. My husband agreed with me tonight when I used the word "always" to describes how I sabotage success. That is the only time he approves of me saying "always" because I have habit of exaggerating how often events occur. I need to work on fixing my inner system to accept that we are worthy of success and it is okay if not everyone agrees with us.<br />
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My therapist asked me to thank the inner helpers who try so desperately to protect me from all bad. It is okay if I succeed. It's okay if I don't. I no longer have to face my abusers and explain or prove anything to them. These are my choices and mine alone. If I believe what I am doing is working then I need to keep doing it. No one is ever going to rip away our attempts at happiness or success any more. It is the year 2017 not 1975, not 1980 ,not any time in the past. This is my present and I am in it and I am safe. We are safe. It's time to change the role of self sabotage to self confidence.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0