Something I think about all of the time is how tired I am. I don't know what it feels like not to be tired. When I was a child I took naps voluntarily. My Mom said I slept through the night when I was just a baby. I don't know why this is but I have a theory.
I've been reading a lot about cellular memory and adrenal fatigue. I believe I had cortisol overload happening while I was still in the womb. I don't think there was a stressless moment from the time I was conceived. My brain and my body did not know how to process stress properly because there was always such chaos going on. The times I did sleep growing up I was always awakened by screams of my Mom being beaten or I had someones hands on me or breath on me doing inappropriate things to me. I remember falling asleep at parties as a child and being carried out to the car at all hours of the night. I had no consistency in my life.
I've been learning that there is a huge link to autoimmune disease and Fibromyalgia because of childhood trauma. I have Celiac Disease, Hypothyroidism (as a result of Hashimoto Disease), Fibromyalgia, and Depression. All of these problems cause severe fatigue. I feel like I'm swimming against the current all of the time. When someone tells me how tired they are I find myself rolling my eyes inwardly. Those people can go to bed, fall asleep for 8 hours and wake up feeling refreshed. They can take a nap and it fixes their fatigue. This does not work for me. I go to bed so tired but I cannot sleep because of pain and restless legs. When I do fall asleep I wake up non-stop throughout the night. I do not get restorative sleep. Nothing in the world feels more lonely than laying in bed next to someone who is sound asleep. I find myself becoming resentful and angry at people. I want to feel good. I don't want to hurt. I want to have energy.
Having a dissociative disorder complicates the situation even more. It's almost impossible for me to shut my brain down. It's always active and someone is always up and about. I want to shut out all the inner noise and all of the crying. I'm not only physically tired but I am emotionally tired. I am even to the point that I am spiritually tired. I try to look at my life in a positive way but sometimes everything is just too much. I can't always fake a smile or hold in my tears. I feel like quitting a lot of the time. Life can seem so pointless when all you do is work on the past so you can live in the present and move towards the future.
Have you ever had a dream that felt so real and then you wake up and everything is so happy? Then your mind tricks you because you never actually woke up and that you were still dreaming? I keep hoping that I will wake up and find myself better, healthy and energetic. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. It makes me feel hopeless for my future. I don't want to live to be 90 years old if I have to feel this way the whole time. Something has to get better with me.