Sunday, August 13, 2017
It's time that I get justifiably angry
My therapist has been encouraging me for years to allow myself to be angry with those who hurt me so much. I've always been afraid to do this because I was not ever allowed to express my feelings growing up. If I did express any feeling it was quickly shut down either by physical means, verbal threats or ridicule. I've never felt real safe being angry. Anger has always been dangerous to me and nothing positive has ever come from it. I feel intimidated by others anger and do all I can to calm things down when things get heated. I didn't get angry with my mother until a year after she passed away. When I finally did get angry it was easier for me to start dealing with the past. When she was still alive I was so afraid of her and was always doing what I could to be better a daughter to her. I took her criticism and gaslighting and shoved my feelings down deep. When she died I stood up and gave an award winning eulogy about how amazing she was. I look back now and cringe at the words I spoke about her. Who did I think I was kidding? Anyone who really knew her had to be asking themselves the same question.
I have been having a lot of health issues arise since I started really dealing with the past. I had only skimmed the surface with my other therapists and then they dropped me because they no longer knew how to help me. I met my new therapist who is very experienced and qualified in treating DID. My progress has been tremendous with her. The one aspect of therapy I was not expecting to have to deal with was the health problems that result. She explained to me that when you begin to develop good co-consciousness problems you have had all along start to surface. My alters have been very brave and very strong for holding these problems from me for a long time. These health issues are not new at all. The more I learn about cellular memory, the brain and trauma it is now beginning to make a lot of sense. It's like a jigsaw puzzle and the pieces are finally matching up.
This brings me to the anger I need to let happen. I recently went to an ENT surgeon. I need to have a surgery because my nose is severely deviated and is becoming odd and misshapen. I speak very nasal and I cannot breathe well. I have chronic sinus pain and jaw pain. The doctor was very surprised when I told her I had not had any past surgery on my nose or septum. She said she has never seen so much scar tissue in someone's septum and sinuses. She then asked had I ever had my nose broken or any trauma to my face. I told her it's very likely due to my abusive upbringing. I was not taken to a doctor when injuries from abuse happened. I have many traumas that were done to my body that were never treated and now, as a 49 year old adult, are causing major issues. The surgery is going to be 5 to 6 hours long and the recovery is 8 months. I left the appointment very emotional and upset. I called my son and talked with him and he made the comment, "Geez, Mom, every time you try to move on from your past it jumps right back up and slaps you in the face." That really resonated with me. He is so right. All of the health issues I have are a result of childhood trauma. I have had 9 surgeries, and 27 hospital stays in my 49 years of life. That's not typical, at all. The fact I had to have reparative surgery as a result of childhood sexual trauma really pisses me off. The fact that I am in pain from my fibromyalgia pisses me off because it is a reminder of what happened to me. I feel like my abusers commited terrible crimes against me and I get to serve their life sentence. It's totally unfair and totally justifiable for me to be angry. I should be angry!
The question I am now faced with is how do I release this anger in a healthy, safe and therapeutic way? I would love to find one of those houses they use to allow people to break the glass, break dishes and furniture and so on. I want to be able to put on some safety goggles, be surrounded by my support circle and let it all loose. I want to allow myself and my insiders to go "crazy" as long as we all need to and if that needs to happen multiple times, then so be it. Anger is negative energy and hanging on to it is toxic to the body. I need to get rid of it. It is super hard to focus on the positives surrounding me when the negatives are pulling me downwards. I want to be weightless and free. I feel if I can get the anger out I can work on myself in a more motivated manner and not be afraid to keep moving forward. I just need to find the right moment in time to do this.