Monday, June 5, 2017

My heart hurts





Today I found out I have a new granddaughter. A granddaughter whose name I do not know and may never meet. My son and his girlfriend had their little girl on June 2nd. It broke my heart into a million pieces to see the "other grandma" holding her. I wish I didn't care. Why can't I just let it go? I feel such agony inside. I have not spoke to my son since March 2016 and I long to get a phone call or something to share the excitement. It hurts to have a child who hates you and blames you for everything wrong in their life. All I ever did was love him and did all I could do to help him. His bipolar is a barrier. I let him go and was okay with letting him go until I found out he was going to be a father. All the sadness came back into my heart and my mind. I can't stop thinking about him. I also worry for the baby. What kind of life will she have?  Will she live a life of happiness? It's hard to imagine that to be true. I know my son. I know how he is and how he can become when in an episode of psychosis and manic behavior. It scares me.

I never imagined my life to be this way looking back. I always had high hopes and dreams of my children all loving one another and getting along as friends. I had hopes that my children would want to spend time with us and not just on holidays. I never thought it would be the way that it is. I wanted my family to be close and happy and healthy. What can I do about it now? I did the best I could when they were growing up. I know it was hard for them living with a mom with DID. They were put in situations they didn't belong in and had to grow up faster than they should have. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I wish I could take everything back but I can't.

I have not thought of self injuring in a very long time and I ended up dissociating the entire day after learning of the news. Now I am back in the present and I can't stop crying and trying not to cut. I don't understand this pain and why it is so intense. I am afraid and yet I don't care. I may appear happy most of the time but if people knew my real thoughts they'd be so freaked out. I just have to get this out of me. I feel like a complete failure and I feel as if I've experienced a death of a loved one.  The grief is unbearable.

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