Today at therapy I learned about the Karpman Drama Triangle. I am starting to understand that the people I surround myself with all have a role in this triangle and you can probably guess which role is mine the majority of the time. As much as I hate to admit that I am the victim more often than not it is not conscious on my part. This is a totally learned behavior and I have 2 alters, in particular, that go straight to this role in any conflict that happens in our life. Shelby, who is 13 and Shelley, who is 7 are always trying to smooth everything over in conflicts and they alway blame themselves and feel like they are forever being attacked and that they are treated poorly and unfairly, even when that is not the case. They are huge people pleasers and want the entire world to like them and because, realistically, that does not happen they become distraught and depressed. There is no gray area it always black or white. They will be the first to apologize in any situation regardless of whomever is at fault. They will allow people to treat them like garbage as long as everyone moves forward and accepts their apologies.
This behavior needs to stop today. We have all come to an agreement that any negative emotions or outbursts directed our way will go into our newly created trash compactor and will be turned into solid blocks. If you have seen the movie Wall-E that is how it's going to be. Blocks piled on top of blocks in a creative but organized manner. This is not to say that we are stuffing our feelings inside but rather we are throwing other people's garbage to a place where it will no longer abuse our hearts. It will not be taken on by us any longer. We will no longer makes excuses or will we apologize for other people's behavior and psychological projections they try to throw upon us. For far too long we have done this and this needs to stop. No more manipulation of feelings. No more threats against us. No more taking on unwarranted blame. No more self pity and no more excuses. Today is the day it all ends.
This relationship triangle game has run its course. I know change takes time and there may be a few setbacks before it's totally working. The point is I now know what is going on and I will no longer be a game player. I am now going to stand up for myself and I don't need someone fighting my battles for me. I am stronger than I allow myself to believe. I will not beg for anyone to be a part of my life. If they want to be in my life then will be there. I will not beg for anyone's affection. If they love me then they will show it and I don't need to ask for it. I'm a much better person than all of this. I don't need to lower my standards of myself to be accepted. I am turning 50 years old in 3 months. I am not going to spend the next stage of my life stuck in this triangle. I deserve better.