Yesterday I found out a childhood friend of mine has died. I feel terrible because the last time she reached out to me for help I was not in a good mood and ignored her text. Then, I forgot to get back to her because I was too involved with my own stuff. I should have called her and been there for her. Now it is too late. I hate when something like this happens and I am left with a pile of regrets. It takes something like this to remind me that life is so precious and very fleeting. It makes me reflect on all of my broken relationships and even the ones that are not broken. Who do I need to talk with today? Who do I need to mend problems with? If you have never lost someone in your life to death it is hard to explain the feelings you have when a loved one passes and you have unresolved issues.
In the Bible in Ephesians 4:26, we are told something very important. Paul tells us,
"26And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.”d Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27for anger gives a foothold to the devil."
This bible scripture is so very, very good to practice. When someone dies and you haven't forgiven and you have bitterness and judgement in your heart towards them, it is so painful to grieve. Your mind will dwell on your last moment of time together. I'm sitting here right now, struggling with my feelings. I was not a good friend to her by not helping her when she needed me. I was too annoyed with her at the time and chose to ignore her and get back to her later. Later never came. And here I am feeling like a huge jerk. Everytime you walk away from someone, or say good bye, your next moment with them is never guaranteed. I need to work hard on fixing any unresolved matters with people I have a relationship with. I need to set aside my judgements, my pride, my feelings of resentment and hurt. Yesterday is over and I need to work on the present. I do not want to keep experiencing this remorse. The excuse of "I am so busy" or "I will get back to you later" or "they are wrong so until they apologize I'm not speaking to them until they do" needs to stop today. God is never too busy for me. God never gets back to me later. God never stops being there for me no matter what I say or what I do. I want to live God-like. I cannot be perfect but I sure can be a better person. It's time I stop putting myself first and others second. this is not to say I should not take care of myself because that is important, too. It does mean, though, I need to stop myself and ask "Is what I'm doing this very moment more important that what this person needs from me?" More often than not the answer will be no. If a person is reaching out to me in need the most urgent task for me to do is help them.
I love you, my dear friend, and I am very sorry I let my ego get in the way when you needed me the most. I am glad you are in a much better place and free from all your hardships and pain. Thank you for allowing your death to be a lesson to me. Thank you for being a friend to me and turning to me in times of need. I wish I hadn't let you down this last time. I will move forward and I will begin practicing Paul's words, starting today.