Wednesday, March 8, 2017

No more self sabotage!

Today in therapy I talked about my self sabotaging behavior and why I do it and how do I stop it. Whenever something is going very well for me in my life, whether it be with my health, my relationships, my goals, et cetera, I eventually stop doing whatever it is that is working for the good of things. I was feeling amazing when I was eating a strict Paleo diet. I was losing weight, I had energy. my skin looked great. I was taking my probiotics and my supplements daily. I was feeling the best I have felt my entire life. And then I stopped eating right, I stopped taking my supplements. Now I am back to feeling like utter crap, I've put weight back on and I feel sad all of the time. Why? Everything was going so well. What is the problem? all stems back from my childhood, as usual. It would be nice to go on with life without my ugly past rearing it's head constantly. I voiced my frustration with my therapist about turning 50 this year and yet I am still dealing with crud that happened to me back when I was a just a kid. Working on yourself gets so old and annoying, at times.

I think I've finally gotten to the root of this issue.  My life was complete craziness and chaos most of the time. Anytime I had good things start to happen to me someone in my life would rip it away from me. I would always have such great hope for happiness and I was never allowed to have it. I was ridiculed, reprimanded, beaten and shamed. I subconsciously do not believe any good will come out of a success that I try to attain. I have all wonderful intentions whenever I start something new and different in my life. I enjoy it for a bit but then there is a panic inside with some of my alters. They start the sabotage process as a way to protect me, even if there is no real harm coming to me, and begin feeding the doubts in me. What triggers this to happen, I discovered today, is when we are challenged by the changes we are trying to make in ourselves and in our life. If anyone questions what I am doing or shows one inkling of disbelief  the process then starts. It is a pattern with me. My husband agreed with me tonight when I used the word "always" to describes how I sabotage success. That is the only time he approves of me saying "always" because I have habit of exaggerating how often events occur. I need to work on fixing my inner system to accept that we are worthy of success and it is okay if not everyone agrees with us.

My therapist asked me to thank the inner helpers who try so desperately to protect me from all bad. It is okay if I succeed. It's okay if I don't. I no longer have to face my abusers and explain or prove anything to them. These are my choices and mine alone. If I believe what I am doing is working then I need to keep doing it. No one is ever going to rip away our attempts at happiness or success any more. It is the year 2017 not 1975, not 1980 ,not any time in the past. This is my present and I am in it and I am safe. We are safe. It's time to change the role of self sabotage to self confidence.

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