Monday, February 13, 2017

I'm shattered



I have so much sadness and pain going on in me. I have been dealing with a severe headache since I got the cervical injections and have been to the ER twice. I have to see a neurologist now because I have possible nerve damage from the procedure. I just feel like quitting life. It's exhausting to try constantly fix yourself. I feel like it's always one thing after another with me and it's becoming so pointless to exist. I had a family member unfriend me on FB because I "whine too much." Apparently there is a rule where I am only supposed to lie about what is going on in my life. I feel so alone at times and I use FB to try to get support from my family and friends. I'm pretty sure my family gets tired of me talking about my pain and my DID and so on.
I have been bedridden for the past couple of weeks and I still have Christmas decorations up. It's depressing to see this day in and day out. I feel like everything around me is sinking deeper and deeper. I can't get caught up on stuff. then, today I received an e-mail from my estranged son and he confirmed that he has no plans on ever being part of our family again. I feel very conflicted in my emotions because I am almost 90% sure he and his girlfriend are going to be having a baby. Just knowing that makes it so much harder for me to move on. All he has ever done to me and everyone in this family is hurt us. He has bipolar, oppositional/defiant behavior and has borderline personality disorder. I've spent all of his 27 years of life trying to help him and I can't anymore. He doesn't want my help or my love. Some people in my life can't understand why I care so much. I guess because he is my child and until you have a child and lose a child you can't understand the pain I feel. I almost wish he were dead. It would make it easier to grieve. Knowing he is walking around and doesn't want me in his life is devastating. I have horrible nightmares about him hurting me and other family members and then I have nightmares he is killing himself and I am trying to save him. I can't escape it.
I am scared of my sadness and my emotions right now. I have not felt like this in a very long time. I just can't take much more. I need the pain to stop. The physical and the mental. I just want to fall asleep and wake up in Heaven and be free from it all.

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