Monday, February 6, 2017

Dark thoughts

I had my cervical facet injections on Thursday. I went home and slept afterwards and got up the next morning. I went with my daughter to her doctor appointment and on the way home I started getting a really bad headache and went to bed. I slept until 6pm the following day (Saturday) and by 3:00 am I was in such pain my hubby took me to the ER. We were there for 5 1/2 hours and they gave me a migraine cocktail and I felt some better so they sent me home. I went to bed by 9:30 am Sunday morning and slept until 7pm. After being up for about 30 minutes my head started hurting again so I took Extra strength Excedrin and some Motrin hoping for the best. Nothing. My head hurts so bad right now. I don't want to wake up my husband because he did not go to sleep after we came back from the ER and is exhausted. I am getting worried because I'm starting to have bad thoughts. I'm just getting overwhelmingly tired of life. I know a lot of my insiders push at  me to do 2 things when I'm feeling like this. They want to start self injuring or to take all of my medications and go to sleep forever. I can't tell my doctors about this because they think I automatically need to go inpatient and put on lots of psych meds. I have been through this enough times to know the routine. So. I stay quiet. I am so tired of being tired and so tired of working on myself and on my pain issues. This is not a life I want for myself. I feel like a constant annoyance and burden to everyone around me. I complain a lot but there is so much I don't say. Sometimes I feel like if I don't complain they will assume I'm perfectly okay and expect me to do things I can't do. I just want out of this life. Why can't I just fall asleep and wake up in Heaven? I don't like sitting here by myself trying to figure out a way to stop it all that I won't fuck up and be a vegetable the rest of my life. I have all these scenarios that float through my head.

Many people think suicide is selfish and I understand why they think that but I believe that's true. As a person who has attempted suicide in the past and has a bipolar son who also has attempted it, I can tell you it is hard to explain why we did it. The only thing I know is we get to a place in our life that all we want to do is escape unbearable mental pain. Depression is a filthy bitch and relentless in keeping a person down. There comes a moment in a suicidal person's pain they can't think of anything else but stopping the pain. I am not thinking of my family at this point or anyone else. That's where people say it is selfish. The problem is I'm not even thinking rationally about anything and just want the pain to END! It almost like I don't have a body anymore it's just a mind screaming at the top of its lungs at me to help it feel better.

If I do not get some help for the following things and soon, I don't think I can't take much more.

1. Fibromyalgia relief
2. Bulging disc, stenosis and arthritis in my neck
3. This migraine from Hell
4.Flashbacks and trauma crap
5. Coping with life in general

If you are reading this and area praying person, then please pray for me. For all of me, the littles, the middles and the bigs. We are suffering.

1 comment:

  1. Please don't give up. You don't know me but I also struggle with this. It will get better in time. Please don't quit.