Thursday, February 2, 2017

Childhood Disrupted

I just recently finished this book and it was amazing! So much of my life makes sense to me now. I've learned that all the past trauma in my life has played a huge role in my health today. I took the ACE test (adverse childhood experiences) and I scored an 8 which is very high. You can take the Ace Test and see what your score is.

I find myself getting angry again with all that has happened to me. I often think I am okay and moving forward in my life and then I get pissed over again big time. I've had surgeries to repair abuse that was done to me. I just got cervical epidural injections in my neck today for neck trauma. The list goes on and on. Most of the health issues I deal with, particularly the Fibromyalgia and my 3 immune diseases can be linked back to the stress I was under as a child. My body was in a constant cortisol production and that is super hard on your body. If you have heard of Adrenal Fatigue that is exactly what I am dealing with. To complicate my situation I also live with being DID. I am always working on bettering myself but then I have insiders who aren't there yet and then, BAM, I get hit with a new health issue that was started in the past. Sometimes I feel myself getting down and frustrated with life. It's like why am I constantly working on myself and for what? You spend your entire adult life dealing with crap from the past only to die in the end. I end up telling myself it's important for the people I come in contact with in the world. I don't want to be an asshole because I have bitter feelings from my past so I try to work on the present so I can be cordial and smile at people. Some days it's harder to smile than others.

I often wonder if my abusers realized what they were doing would set me up for future mental and physical problems in my adult life? Then I turn back around and tell myself that even if they did know would it have mattered to them? Absolutely not. People who abuse children have no consideration for the child's feelings. It's a totally selfish and sick act and it's only about the control they have over the child and the rush it gives them.

I'm very thankful for all the research being done on childhood trauma and how it affects people into their adult life. It gives me great hope for the next generation of children. There is so much more awareness and help available now! When I was a child no one talked about it. The few times I tried to subtly hint at what was going on in my life to an adult I was promptly encouraged to change the subject or questioned about why I felt the need to talk so terrible about my parents. I ended up feeling ashamed and that the abuse happening to me was my fault. I was accused of being an attention seeker and a liar. Thank God the world has begun to open it's eyes to childhood abuse!

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