Thursday, January 19, 2017

Pain sucks

I came close to a mental breakdown today. I had an MRI done on my neck 2 weeks ago, and it showed that I have 3 bulging discs, cervical stenosis and osteoarthritis. I am in severe pain and have been dealing with it since the end of September. The pain is flaring up my fibromyalgia and causing chaos with my insiders. My littles do not understand at all. They think we are all being punished. We used to be able to separate during pain but now that there is so much co-consciousness we can no longer do this.

 My orthopedic doctor was supposed to send a referral to a pain doctor in my town. That was a week ago, Tuesday. I called them this past Tuesday and they said they never received my referral. So, then I called the ortho doctor’s office back and they tell me they were waiting on a note and to check with the pain doctor in 2 days. I called the pain doctor today and they still haven't received my referral. I start bawling and the lady tells me to hold and she would call the ortho office. She comes back on the line a few minutes later and tells me that the ortho doctor never knew about having to put in a referral for me. What?? I was so upset by this point. I hang up and then my ortho doctor’s office calls me and says my insurance refused the referral and I need to see my PCM and ask for one. Like, really? It is a slow process going through Tricare!

 I call the Tricare line to schedule my appointment with my PCM and they tell me the only appointment for any doctor is tomorrow at 2:50 or else I must wait until February 1st. My daughter has an important ultrasound during that time frame and so I tell the scheduling person I can't do that and my husband is arguing with me (poor person on the other end of the phone) saying I need to go to my appointment and forget my daughter’s appointment. I am so desperate but I don't want to keep disappointing my daughter so I am starting to freak out.

When I got off the phone something in me snapped. I went crazy for about an hour. I started crying to the point that I was screaming. I've only been hysterical one other time in my life and it was also over something pain related. I was hyperventilating and I was dissociative. My one dog was hiding under the bed because I was scaring him. I am just so tired of everything. I'm tired of chronic pain, tired of not sleeping, tired of canceling on people, tired of working on myself, tired of the past, tired of disappointment, tired of sadness and more. I was so close to ending everything. Then I started begging God to help me in the midst of screaming and suddenly I became instantly calm and quiet. It was weird but I felt completely calm. My husband was just looking at me and tells me to come over to him and sit in his lap and he just held me. I am okay, for now, but we will see what happens tomorrow.

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