Sunday, January 29, 2017

Is it a true Premonition?

Lately I have been feeling very sad. My middle son is estranged from us and I was doing okay until around Christmas time. He is bipolar and has sociopathic tendencies. I can't help it but I still love him and want him in my life. I try to focus on the negative he brought to us every time he came around. It is getting more difficult to do that. I feel like a bad parent because I am not there for him. I have argued with myself and my insiders about contacting him. A lot of my littles are afraid of him. Back in 2009 my son came to my door with the intent to do a suicide by cop scenario. Luckily I wasn't at home when he showed up or I would not be here to type this. He was committed to Kerrville State Hospital under a Baker's Act. I suffered from anxiety for months after that happened. Can you imagine how horrified I was and saddened by the fact that my son wanted to kill me? When he doesn't stay on his meds and stops taking them suddenly he becomes psychotic. He banged on my door and waited for me to come home for over 2 hours. He fell asleep on my front porch and the cops got him and he confessed at DARS what he was going to do to me.

My husband and I have spent over 27 years trying to help my son. We finally realized we can't do anything else for him. He has got to hit a super low spot in his life and basically crash and burn. Nothing we have tried or said to him have gotten through. He has to make some big changes, stay on his medication and get his act together. I miss him so much. I can't really understand why, but I do. My littles think my son is a lot like our biological dad and they find him intimidating and scary to be around. I just feel lost on this and keep going back and forth. I just wish I had some revelation or something to make me understand or help me to know how to move forward.

When I was growing up in my cruel life of chaos and misery I always dreamed about what my family would be like when I had my own children. I always imagined such happiness and joy. Things were pretty great until my son got DX'd with his illness. He was in 6th grade and it was like everything fell apart in our family. It was so unfair to my other two children. So much focus was on one child and on my mental health issues that they lacked a lot of parental attention and guidance. My son's illness brought out the worst in me. My inner system became so chaotic and unstable, I was being triggered constantly by my son. He became interested in satanism which is a huge trigger for me because of the abuse I had in the occult. Did I open doors that allowed demonic presence to take my child? I don't know and I need to figure it out and slam these doors shut. Generational sin. That's what all of this is.

Someday. I hope, I will have my son back and we will have an amazing relationship and he will be healthy. That's my dream. My nightmare tells me (and has told me since he was a baby) that I will die by my son's hand. I feel it in my heart and soul. If some Godly miracle doesn't happen that is how I feel it's going to go down. I have told people over the years that I feel this way and they always gasp and tell me "Don't say things like that!" Why? Because I know what I know? I have never said this in front of my son. He hasn't heard me say it but he knows I know. That's why he drove from his home 25 minutes away to kill me. He could have done the suicide cop scenario with his roommate who was at home. No, he chose me. It's kind of a destiny thing. His psychiatrist at the hospital told me this is how things happen. They kill the one they love the most.

I need to move forward. my insiders beg of me to let it go and move on. I am supposed to protect them. They protected me for so long so why aren't I willing to help Am I stupid? Do I have a literal death wish?? what is it? Why? I know things. I have seen things happen before thy happen in dreams and I have witnesses to the fact. So why am I tempting fate?

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