Thursday, March 6, 2014

An AHA moment yesterday

I saw my T yesterday and was chatting about wanting to learn math and how my husband was going to teach us basic math skills and suddenly I became very emotional. I tried apologizing for it and my T told me to allow myself to cry if I needed to and so on...Well, I started to cry and next thing I know I'm gone. A new alter who had no name and 7 years old came out. She was in hysterics. She was recalling how she couldn't understand math and how the parents would beat her and ridicule her for being so "Stupid, dumb, ignorant" and so forth. She was locked in a closet and was not allowed to come out until she had her multiplication tables memorized. No eating, drinking or anything until then. She could not do it and was kicked and hit and yelled at. Numbers began to paralyze her. Not only were the parents cruel about math but the teacher at school would be just as bad. She would get called up to the chalkboard and told to solve problems on the board and she would get it wrong so the teacher would pull her hair and tell her how much of a dummy she front of all the class. Total humiliation and loss of self worth. When I came back to the T she told me about all of this and it makes so much sense to me now. I have always been so afraid of Math and playing cards because they have numbers on them. Anytime someone talks about math with me or numbers of any kind my mind wanders off. I cannot focus as a huge wall comes up. The alter who came out asked to be called Josie (after Josie and the Pussycats cartoon) and she is very timid and emotionally upset. Why is it every aspect of  my childhood was distorted and ruined for me? Simple things like games, food, math and so on became horrible experiences for me. It was bad enough my innocence was ripped away from me sexually and physically but I was also emotionally damaged. It angers me so much! I am thankful I had the ability to separate myself from situations but it also saddens me to see these inner children suffering because I couldn't handle it. The upside to all of this is my life is beginning to make sense and have clarity. I can't let myself get to low because I've worked to hard to get where I am. I need to focus on the positives of these alters that come out.

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