Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Today's therapy was so intense. We got on the topic of my Mom and then it turned awful.Bob was with me today and I am glad he was there to support us all. I was telling the therapist about how whenever I would try sharing a memory that might have her looking bad she would look right at me and tell me "You must have dreamt that" or "that never happened." It would make me feel crazy and I started talking about it today and I lost control of myself. I was so angry at my Mom. She was not an innocent bystander. She chose to participate by not doing a damn thing to stop it when she knew it was happening. Then my therapist threw a blanket on me and said "this is your Mom's slime that she has left on you!" and I kicked it off and the therapist kept doing it and I was getting madder and madder and crying harder and harder. I realize now what she was trying to do. My mom had the issues yet she chose to put them on me. She was never truly happy about anything I accomplished. If I succeeded that she stayed in failure. She did everything for me growing up. So controlling! She made all of my decisions for me like what classes I took in High School, what I wore and so forth. I never had a say in anything. She mocked me when I was upset, put me down and made me feel worthless and loved to tell me how I was going to grow up to amount to nothing. When I got "out of hand" she would call my grandparents over to handle me. I would get even angrier at her because I felt like she couldn't discipline me on her own and had to call in reinforcements. I would have to listen to them go on an and on about how horrible I was and this and that. It's no wonder I had problems disciplining my own children. I didn't know how and the way that I did know was not going to happen because I'd go to jail for abuse. Anyhow, I'm sort of digressing. Back to the slime......the slime is all the shit that was put on me from my Mom such as guilt, shame, disrespect and so on. I have to shake the slime off and move on and whenever that slime seeps onto me I need to shake it off again and again until it no longer exists. I loved my Mom but she was no saint and I will no longer make excuses for her. She was a toxic person. I feel free now that she is gone. I know that sounds wrong on so many levels but it is how I feel. Even as an adult she controlled me. How I was raising my kids, what cars I bought , buying our homes and so forth she had to be involved and critical somehow. Why couldn't she just be happy for me? I could have ended up with some loser husband and live in a dump with no money for food. God blessed me with my husband, with whom she never liked, and 3 beautiful children who have all turned out okay all things considered. I didn't turn out to be a nobody. I may not work or have the biggest house on the block but I have love in my life that I never had before. My family now loves me and my husband is good to me and takes such good care of me. I have helped lots of people along my journey and hope to continue to.
SO!!! SLIME go away..........you are disgusting and gross and I don't want you on me or in my life anymore. I will continue to move forward and try my hardest not to look back. If my purpose in life is only to heal than that is what I will do. I love God and Christ and the Holy Spirit is within me and no one can hurt me anymore.
By the way, if my Therapist is reading this......Thank you for today and also I'm so very glad I didn't break your window!