Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Okay, Mom you are not an innocent bystander

I am finding out more and more that my Mom was not innocent in all of the crap I went through. She always turned things around back on me when the truth started coming out. I don't want to piss off my family members but I need to be true to myself and heal. My therapist asked me today if it would make me feel better if I had a diagnosis for my Mom. I told her No because that would be like giving her an excuse for how she behaved.

  • Some things she did that were not kosher:
  • Smothering me with a pillow when I was upset and crying
  • Kicking me out into the cold when it was 20 below zero out after hitting me with rolls of Christmas wrapping paper
  • Making me wash the toilet out with my bare hands with Sani-Flush because I was "talking shit ans needed to clean where shit cones from"
  • Beating me for making a mean face at my father for yelling at me and knocking me to the floor while my Grandmother pleaded with her to stop
  • Humiliating me in front of friends and boyfriends because I missed something while cleaning
  • Controlling all my decisions growing up including what classes I took in High School
  • Rubbing my face in the carpet like a dog when I peed my pants as a child
  • Making me eating my food off the floor and oinking like a pig while my dad kicked me in the sides
It all makes me so angry. I have been dreaming about m,y Mom a lot. She put pearls around my neck and then ripped them off my neck and said "just throw then to the pigs." I realize that it is scripture talking.She gave me something valuable and then took them away and showed no appreciation for what she had (me) and didn't give a damn. BUT....I am realizing things in my dreams. I saw her and my step dad and she told me she was sorry that she didn't listen to me. I ignored her and went to my step dad who was genuine. My parts are realizing that everything she said was robotic and controlled. She didn't mean a damn thing she ever said that was supposed to be sincere. She was guilty and insincere and she knew it. I am no longer afraid to confront it. Her death gave me the freedom to HEAL. I don't wish anyone dead but her being gone gives me the strength I need to say and do what I need to do to moved forward. I'm dealing with it!

3 comments:

  1. You are actively healing. How wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  2. :( so sorry you had to go through all of that but glad you can begin to heal. Safe hugs, if ok. We hold on to the mom and cant/wont/don't say no to her like we should...we feel as if something is better than nothing. Its not tho. Maybe one day we will have your strength.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you both <3 Anonymous....don't lose hope. It's taken me over 30 years to get where I am. Everyone heals at different rates.

    ReplyDelete