Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Okay, Mom you are not an innocent bystander

I am finding out more and more that my Mom was not innocent in all of the crap I went through. She always turned things around back on me when the truth started coming out. I don't want to piss off my family members but I need to be true to myself and heal. My therapist asked me today if it would make me feel better if I had a diagnosis for my Mom. I told her No because that would be like giving her an excuse for how she behaved.

  • Some things she did that were not kosher:
  • Smothering me with a pillow when I was upset and crying
  • Kicking me out into the cold when it was 20 below zero out after hitting me with rolls of Christmas wrapping paper
  • Making me wash the toilet out with my bare hands with Sani-Flush because I was "talking shit ans needed to clean where shit cones from"
  • Beating me for making a mean face at my father for yelling at me and knocking me to the floor while my Grandmother pleaded with her to stop
  • Humiliating me in front of friends and boyfriends because I missed something while cleaning
  • Controlling all my decisions growing up including what classes I took in High School
  • Rubbing my face in the carpet like a dog when I peed my pants as a child
  • Making me eating my food off the floor and oinking like a pig while my dad kicked me in the sides
It all makes me so angry. I have been dreaming about m,y Mom a lot. She put pearls around my neck and then ripped them off my neck and said "just throw then to the pigs." I realize that it is scripture talking.She gave me something valuable and then took them away and showed no appreciation for what she had (me) and didn't give a damn. BUT....I am realizing things in my dreams. I saw her and my step dad and she told me she was sorry that she didn't listen to me. I ignored her and went to my step dad who was genuine. My parts are realizing that everything she said was robotic and controlled. She didn't mean a damn thing she ever said that was supposed to be sincere. She was guilty and insincere and she knew it. I am no longer afraid to confront it. Her death gave me the freedom to HEAL. I don't wish anyone dead but her being gone gives me the strength I need to say and do what I need to do to moved forward. I'm dealing with it!


  1. You are actively healing. How wonderful!

  2. :( so sorry you had to go through all of that but glad you can begin to heal. Safe hugs, if ok. We hold on to the mom and cant/wont/don't say no to her like we should...we feel as if something is better than nothing. Its not tho. Maybe one day we will have your strength.

  3. Thank you both <3 Anonymous....don't lose hope. It's taken me over 30 years to get where I am. Everyone heals at different rates.