Monday, July 1, 2013

And depression has set in

And depression has set in. I feel like utter shit and I can't shake it. I have tremendous guilt about what my disorder has done to my children. In the past few days I have come to realize just how bad it was and is for them. I can't change the past. I've been trying to work on my present and future self but it seems that it might be too late. I am sitting here bawling like a stupid baby and wishing there was someway I could just end it all. I am sick of dealing with my past. I am sick of trying to change me. What are some ways to get out of this world that wouldn't backfire and also guarantee me a place in Heaven? I can't take it. It's cruel to keep me here with the fear of Hell. I just want to be with my Mom, Grandma, Poppy, Step-Dad and Aunt. They are the happy ones. I want to come home too. I feel like a complete and utter failure in life. I fuck up everything I  do even if it's done with the best of intentions. All my life consists of is inner drama, migraines, sleeping all of the time, dealing with the crap my abusers dealt me while they float through life all peachy keen.I have no true friends anymore. I lost my best friend in the whole word to something I don't understand. What the hell is my purpose!!!!?? God , why can't you intervene and help me. I beg and I pray every day and I feel like you have left me alone. I am alone yet surrounded by madness in my mind that I didn't ask for. It won't ever be quiet. NOISE! All of the damn time. Screwing me over. I quit.

1 comment:

  1. It's ironic for you to feel this guilt then go on to talk about how you feel suicidal... which impacts your kids negatively too, to know their mother feels that way. Especially knowing that I am the "causes" of this. So you leave your daughter thinking her "mom" might do something and it would be her "fault". Anyways - you're not useless and you do have a purpose. Even though you feel like all you've done is bad, that's not true at all and I've let you know all the wonderful things you've done and how you've impacted me (and Robert & CJ) in a good way. Maybe there is more bad, but that's not important. I wish you would try talking about my perspective of things before you get so worked up over something. I wish you would try to understand where I'm coming from and how I see/feel things before you jump on the defense and take it all so personally. I wasn't blaming you for anything in what I said. I know none of this is your fault, which is why I do try so hard to be understanding. But I want you to still take responsibility at times and not always put the guilt on whoever is being impacted by your disorder and instead try to just apologize and see how you can turn something negative into something positive. I'm kind of jumping around in my thoughts, but I'm sorry you feel this way. I never like seeing/hearing about you feeling suicidial. And I never want you to die. If I could have it my way, I would keep you and dad alive forever. Because you BOTH are much NEEDED in my life.