Monday, July 1, 2013
And depression has set in
And depression has set in. I feel like utter shit and I can't shake it. I have tremendous guilt about what my disorder has done to my children. In the past few days I have come to realize just how bad it was and is for them. I can't change the past. I've been trying to work on my present and future self but it seems that it might be too late. I am sitting here bawling like a stupid baby and wishing there was someway I could just end it all. I am sick of dealing with my past. I am sick of trying to change me. What are some ways to get out of this world that wouldn't backfire and also guarantee me a place in Heaven? I can't take it. It's cruel to keep me here with the fear of Hell. I just want to be with my Mom, Grandma, Poppy, Step-Dad and Aunt. They are the happy ones. I want to come home too. I feel like a complete and utter failure in life. I fuck up everything I do even if it's done with the best of intentions. All my life consists of is inner drama, migraines, sleeping all of the time, dealing with the crap my abusers dealt me while they float through life all peachy keen.I have no true friends anymore. I lost my best friend in the whole word to something I don't understand. What the hell is my purpose!!!!?? God , why can't you intervene and help me. I beg and I pray every day and I feel like you have left me alone. I am alone yet surrounded by madness in my mind that I didn't ask for. It won't ever be quiet. NOISE! All of the damn time. Screwing me over. I quit.