Today in therapy we were discussing all the abuse that happened just in the kitchen. We mentioned in a prior blog that we walk on our tiptoes a lot when we are in the kitchen. Our Mom used to yell at us for doing that and my daughter points it out to me every time I do it. My T and I are working on trying to figure it out. It's more than the bad memories that could be causing me to do this. We are both beginning to think there is an alter inside that wears braces on their legs. I wore them for awhile because I was pigeon-toed and there is a vague memory of me about the age of two trying to walk with out my braces on but kept falling down because we couldn't put our feet flat. If we went up on our toes it didn't hurt and our two year old self would sneak into the kitchen and find food. no one ever caught us in the act but knew it was happening. We ate laxatives from the fridge, ice cream and other stuff and got sick from the laxatives. I have a feeling I will be meeting this two year old part very soon.
The whole food issue was brought up because I told my T I don't eat during the day. I don't feel I am worth the effort to take the time to make something just for me. I ignore my hunger pangs. If I am cooking for more than just me, like dinner for my husband, then I have no problems eating. I feel safe eating with other people that I am comfortable with. I was conditioned to feel unworthy of a lot growing up and it is hard to break those lies from my mind. Eventually I will eat 3 meals a day and will feel okay with that.
Today, I got my biopsy results back from my colonoscopy and endoscopy. It looks pretty certain that I may have Celiac Disease and have to eat a gluten free diet. I had blood tests taken today and the results will confirm what they saw from the endoscopy. It would explain so much. My anemia, fatigue, depression, migraines and IBS. The good thing that I think that could come from this disease is that maybe I could get off of my antidepressants. We'll see. That is my ultimate goal besides gaining total communication with all my insiders. Life will be better.....this I know.