Saturday, June 1, 2013

I feel ashamed

All day I have been feeling melancholy and I don't know why. I was sad yesterday, too and sent my kids all texts telling them how sorry I was for not being a very good Mom to them when they were growing up. Something inside is bothering me really bad and I almost feel hopeless because of my feelings. I feel like I ruined my kids childhoods because of my DID. They were forced to deal with more than any kids should have to deal with. Seeing me go in and out of the hospital, cutting and burning myself, alters coming out threatening my life. The list goes on and on. I almost feel ashamed of myself for how I was as a Mom. I couldn't help most of my behaviors but I was taught that I needed to take responsibility for my actions and I do. My family are all downstairs playing a game and I was invited to play but don't feel up to it. I feel lackluster and blah, I am not even in the mood to play with my granddaughter. I feel so bad because I want kids to feel special and loved and now it seems I'm letting another generation down. I know a lot has gone on with me lately and the new ones inside could be triggering me. I just can't figure it out and I want to curl up in a ball and cry right now :(

2 comments:

  1. Hugs. You know it will pass.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know it just seems like it lasts forever while in it.

    ReplyDelete