Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Seriously? Wow, an interesting ride is ahead!

At therapy today my T told me that Ginger is jealous of me and is acting out all the time because she didn't have a good Mother figure or any positive women figures in her life when we were her age. She was told she was an embarrassment, a shame to the family and didn't deserve respect from people. So basically, Ginger is doing exactly what Mom and Grandma told her she should be doing. My T said I need to become a Mother figure to Ginger. I got emotional when she told me that. I wasn't the best Mom to my kids with my disorder being so chaotic during their lives. I did the best I knew how based on what I knew by how we were raised. I am became my Mom in a lot of ways. I would distance myself from my kids a lot. I didn't know how to discipline properly and was afraid of confrontation. How in the world can I mother an insider? I've always left the nurturing to the other women inside. I am so afraid of failure. I feel bad that Ginger is jealous of me. I don't want her to hate me. I found out today that she let go of my husband when we were dating to allow me to marry him. She was fearful of commitment and didn't want to be tied down. She is now resentful about it and explained to the T why she had 3 affairs during my marriage behind my back. My T is saddened, as am I, that Ginger doesn't know love without sex being attached to it. She has never had one relationship that did not involve sex. I can look at my husband and get a warm feeling in my heart and know I am in love and he loves me. I don't understand how Ginger can't feel that, too. She is very confused and conflicted about a lot of things in life. I am supposed to be the one who will guide her and help her grow and be more like an adult and not a 15 year old wild fire. Our T says Ginger has so much energy that it's exhausting me. I never thought about it like that before. I always figured I was tired from being DID and Hypothyroid but I didn't know that one alter could suck the life out of me so much. Our T is going to help spread the energy from Ginger to others inside who need it. My T told me once I face the most uncomfortable part of me I will be so different. It will be a interesting journey and task for both Ginger and I. Our homework this week is to take moments to hold one another's hand and rub lotion on each other's hands. Showing love and nurturing without any strings attached. We'll see how it goes....

No comments:

Post a Comment