Thursday, March 7, 2013

Grieving is a bitch

I found out on Tuesday that I have a lot of anger issues at my Mom. I mean, I knew I had some, but I have more than I realized! I cried rivers of tears and had to wait about 15 minutes too ground myself before leaving therapy. I kept telling my Therapist how guilty I feel for having all these crazy dreams where I am beating up my Mom, vomiting on her and so on. My Mom died in 2008 and at her memorial I put her up on a pedestal that didn't fit her at all and I only wonder what some of the family members must have been thinking while I was up there speaking. I learned that my 7 year old insider Shelley thinks Mom is a hero and that is why I wrote the things I did in her Eulogy. I get influenced by their feelings all the time. I am also grieving over my Aunt, my Grandma, my Poppy and my Step-Dad. The only difference is I have no issues with any of them. Just Mom. It makes me sad but that is the reality of the situation. I have recently remembered 2 incidents, where as a child, I knew in my heart that my Mom knew things were going on. She chose to look the other way. Granted, she was also a victim to our Father and was fearful so I get that she was torn about what to do. It took her until I was 13 to get the courage to leave. I felt relief instantly until when they got divorced and the constant threat over my head was my Mom saying "If you don't stop acting this way I am sending you to live with your Dad." Obviously I would  freak out about that! I felt like she was going to throw me to the lions den. She accused me of flirting with my Step-Dad when I was 15. Even he thought that was ridiculous! So much animosity I had towards her the older I got. I was so out of control as a teenager and I wonder why?! I could go on about the things she not only did to hurt me emotionally but physically as well, but I am not ready to do that right now. One thing I know for sure is it feels VERY safe to be this pissed off now that she is no longer here to criticize and ridicule me. It feels good to get it out.

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