Friday, March 8, 2013

Did I kill her?

I watched a movie with mu daughter today called "The perks of a Wallflower." I was fine until the end and we find out the main character was molested by his Aunt. He doesn't know this until he is hospitalized at the end of the movie when he thinks he killed his Aunt by wanting it to happen because she molested him. His Aunt was killed in a car accident but he wanted her to die because he she hurt him. Oh how I relate, I remember being in my room wishing and praying for my parents to die. It all makes sense to me now when I freaked out when my Mom was dying. I was screaming "I change my mind! I don't want her to die. I'm sorry!" I wanted Mom dead so many times because she did not protect me and was not there emotionally for me,  I remember chanting "I hope you die! I wish you would get hit by a bus!" and so on. It is strange that I never had these thoughts towards my father. Only her. I guess I felt like she was failing and I would rather she be gone than be there at all. What purpose did she serve me?!  My alters are conflicted because many loved her terribly while I realize what I did have was fake. I only wanted to please her and was so afraid of her that I was so compliant I was like play dough. Not anymore. I am MAD MAD MAD ! I only hope that I can be helped in a healthy way because things aren't feeling good right now for me.

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