Sunday, March 3, 2013

Alcohol is a symptom to the problem

A friend of mine said I don't really have alcohol problems, per se. She said drinking was a symptom to a greater problem. I think she is right. I am able to have 1 drink but usually don't want to stop once I start. I like the feeling it gives me and the numbness that overcomes me. The past goes away temporarily and I feel as if I'm having fun. But am I really? I think I am but the people around me say I get annoying and having one drunk person around a bunch of sober people definitely is not fun for them. I guess I should be more considerate of others and to my alters even more. My littles' often feel the effects of the alcohol and it confuses them and triggers them. I may be having all the fun but they are all miserable. My Therapist is trying to teach me to separate events I am doing from the others. Like when I am on my period, the litttles' should not be the ones having to feel the cramps and deal with everything else about it. I'm thinking that I should either refrain from drinking until I learn how to do this or at least limit myself to no more than 2 glasses of wine if I do choose to drink.

People need to understand that when I was growing up alcohol was prevalent all the time. Not one holiday do I remember as a child was a sober one for any of the adults. It was a time to get trashed and inevitably fighting would ensue. My father let me start drinking beers with him when I was 12. Those felt like bonding moments for me and he was nice at those moments until he drank enough and decided it was time to molest me again. He used alcohol to manipulate me, I realize that now. I remember Christmases at our house that I would be allowed a glass of wine which would be refilled by me because no adult paid any attention to whatever I was doing. High School was all a big party for me. I went to school hungover more times than I can count. At the school dances I would always fill an empty hair spray bottle with Vodka and drink in the bathrooms every so often. Back then teachers didn't check our bags and why would they open a hairspray bottle. It was the 80's and hairspray was in every girls purse! I regret that I didn't take my schooling more seriously. I have always equated drinking=fun and I certainly didn't want to be bored.

So what is the symptom I have that makes me want to drink a bottle of wine everyday? Well, being DID could be it. My teachings from adults could be it. I don't know. I need to process this with my therapist. She has already made it very clear that if Ginger gets drunk, and she usually makes an appearance when I drink, she is the one who gets the hangover if she gets trashed. No one else inside gets it but we will help her through it. So, I need to figure out how to do this as well. My alters catch on way more quickly than I do. But then they are all me so I should be able to learn it just as quick. I hope.

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