With all the garbage I have dealt with in the past you would think loving anyone or anything would be difficult. Actually, I find it very easy and at times my feelings get hurt because I love too much. All my growing up years I wanted love. Healthy love. The whole idea of love was twisted and warped for me. I was told pain equals love and that sex equals love. A child should never have a doubt in their mind whether or not their parent loves them. I knew my Father hated me. He made very clear I was a thorn in his side. The weird thing of it was is that when he would molest me then I felt loved because he was acting "nice" to me. Giving me feelings I longed for. It was so wrong and sick but at the time I thought it was completely normal, whatever normal is. My Mother made me question her love for me, as well. I felt like she resented me a lot and that she was even jealous of me for some reason. I grew up with such ambivalent thinking that it took years of therapy and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) to help me rewire my brain and the way I understood things to be. I mentioned at the beginning of this blog that I often get hurt by love. Not as much as in the past but on occasion someone I love will leave or break promises to me and if is devastating. I tend to fall in love with everyone that comes close to me and I am too trusting because I wan t love so bad I'm willing to take risks I shouldn't.
I love my family with every ounce of my being and would die for any of my loved ones. I love my animals and have put myself between an attacking dog and my dog to save my dog from pain. I love my bird, which everyone thinks is kind of strange, but he brings me joy because it's so obvious he loves me as much! I love my friends and will do whatever I can to help them if they need me for anything. I love God and all He has blessed me with. Do you know who the hardest person to love is? ME. I don't quite understand how I can love so many people without loving myself first and foremost. I don't get how that is possible but I guess I am such a people pleaser and want approval that giving love is one way to receive it. One thing that God has taught me about love is this:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4
I try to remind myself of this verse whenever my love is going in the wrong direction or I am not in a good place in any relationship. I like that love keeps no records of wrongs because that allows me to have hope. It also helps me to forgive people as easy as I do. And it allows me to not stress if I'm not perfect. No one is.