Saturday, February 2, 2013

This "God" stuff

This is a hard topic to write about especially when there are readers who might be turned off by it. I need to talk about it as it is weighing on my heart heavily for some reason tonight. God. Jesus. The Holy Spirit. The Trinity. There I've said it. Growing up with Atheist parents, being abused in occult rituals as a child for up to 2 months straight, being dissociative along with other disorders, it's amazing I can even think of wanting a relationship with Him. But I do. I do so much! I believe I have DID because God gave me the ability to split from trauma. It is a gift that not everyone who is abused is given but He loved me enough to bless me. I have so much inner confusion about God and all that goes with Him. I have a hard time calling Him my Father as my father was evil and dark. I have a hard time surrendering myself 100% to Him because I surrendered myself in the past to the wrong kinds of things and people and look where it got me. Trust. I have a major trust issue and how can I believe in all these wonderful promises He says are for me when all my promises in the past were continually broken. Anger. I have so much anger almost to the point of rage at times towards Him. Why? Why was I a victim of such horrors over and over and over again? What was it about me that He felt I could endure it because I couldn't, you know. If I could by myself I would have but instead split off into all these different people. My innocence was stolen away from me from the time before I could even walk or talk. I could even go as far as saying it was taken from me in the womb. I was unwanted. Unloved by a father who should never hold that title. How could God let me be born into such a hateful environment? I was an inconvenience to teenage parents who were forced to get married because that is what you did back then. Fear. So much fear because we were introduced to the dark side. Just when we thought we might know who God was we were being told a whole different perspective on Him by horrible abusive people. Things were taught upside down and backwards to us. We were taught to fear God. I know that we all are supposed to fear Him but not in the way I was taught. God was the bad man. Satan was the Prince. The fear of it all. The terrifying drug filled rituals to confuse my child's mind so to warp my future recollections frustrates me and fills me with deep anxiety.

How can I let it go? I dissociate while reading the Bible, while listening to preachers or even being in a church. I want to let it all go. But then, i am not in control anymore. The silly thing is I really have never been in control of any aspect of my life. God is the one who is in control and while he allowed all these terrible things to happen to me He still loved me. How can I begin to understand or grasp that knowledge? When I was crying and wishing it would all just stop Was He crying and wishing it too? I have been told that He was but who has ever cried for me? All the inner children I created have cried but who outside of this body and mind has card enough to cry for my pain? Does god really care that much? He couldn't possibly cry for so many hurting people could he? I have confidence that when I die I will go to Heaven. Will He accept me right away or ,perhaps, make me wait awhile before allowing me in. Must I face a horrible judgement for all the wrongs that I've done and for the wrongs done to me? Will I see my abusers after death? Is there a Hell and will they be there or will God have forgiven them and allow then to be near me again? So many questions. I need answers! I'm sorry if this was hard for some of you to read but it is an issue I have been wrestling with lately and need some resolution.


  1. Have you read, "The Art of Loving," by Erich Fromm? I first read it about 30 years ago and still think it's one of the best at putting that mysterious mix of feelings into words in a way that makes sense. It even helps with the language you want to describe what goes on between you and God. Being able to communicate clearly helps clarify things in your head and helps you talk to others about what's on your mind.

  2. No, I haven'rt but I will look for it. thanks!