Thursday, December 20, 2012

One step forward, two steps back

So, I went to my Psychiatrist today and it went pretty well. She wasn't happy that I stopped the Abilify and Klonopin at all. She put me back on it changed the dosages and wants me to go back into therapy but this time with a therapist that has dedicated her whole career to focus on DID. She gave me the name of the therapist and I will call tomorrow and inquire if she is talking new patients and if they accept my insurance. My Doctor brought up the word Integration and it caused a total panic inside which immediately made me start to panic and cry. I told her I don't want them to integrate and would like to have full co-consiousness with all of them. She was very supportive of that idea and told me to do it then. She is very concerned with the here an now and even though I brought up the Colin Ross Institute (which she is all for) she is focusing on  getting me through the holidays safely. I have to go back and see her on January 4th and check in to see how I'm doing with the meds changes and so on. i am feeling optimistic that things can and will get better for us soon. She said by going to intense therapy and changing the way my brain works and proccesses information and past trauma I could eventually get off all my meds and not have a need for them anymore. Wow! What a  great thought that is! The only thing that is frustrating me is I have been in therapy since around the age of 12 and finally got a correct diagnosis when I was 23 and I'm really getting tired of talking about my past, my history, my emotions etc. How much does one person have to talk about something before they are "over it?" I hate starting out with a new therapist and beginning at square one with them, getting comfortable enough to talk, my alters trusting the new therapist ad so on. It sucks! I often wish we could have something invented that can erase all trauma from the human psyche. Oh well, looks like that isn't happening any time soon.

In case the world ends tomorrow (which I know it isn't going to) I thank everyone who takes the time to listen to my endless babbling. If we all survive (which we all will) then have a very Merry Christmas!


  1. Safe hugs my friend. You are so special to all of us.You are special just the way you are. Take care and do what is best for you. I hope you feel better soon, one day at a time :)

  2. why do you have to get a new therapist? I hate anytime you have to see a new health provider and letting them know enough so that they are extra careful. I have a mental health advance directives and a physical health one and I make them read them before they see me now! This is after severe abuses at the ER 3times in 2mo while highly su*c*d*l and begging for help!!! I have been in therapy for 14yrs straight I have had 2 therapists, changed when the one started pushing for the "I" word which freaks everyone out. I don't ever desire that but co-consciousness and working together. I lost the tiny bit of co-consciousness that I had finally gotten 2yrs ago after the ER abuses, there has been none since!!! I love my therapist and see her twice a week for an hour and a half each time, I have been with her for 9yrs. I take anti-depressant, mood stabilizer, anti-nightmare/flashback, anxiety and two sleep meds, and then some physical health things. I can barely make it on all these meds. And I have been hospitalized 29 times in 14 yrs. All but 2 were voluntary. Now I have to fight and beg to even try to get hospitalization help as medicaid doesn't want to pay for it. The last 2 times I was hospitalized they weren't going to cover it and I filed a claim each time and won but I shouldn't have to do all this to get the needed help to stay safe. I have a wonderful ombudswoman that has helped me fight the regional system that decides what they pay for and when. You are not the only one that freaks out from someone saying you should "I". I flat out tell them no I don't want to ever! Some of them get mad at me for this but I don't care. my therapist is wonderful about it and agrees with me. Just remember you dont' EVER have to "I"
    safe, gentle, comfy hugs if you want them,
    LaurieAnn and lots of lost, angry, hurt and abandoned littles