Sunday, December 30, 2012

Guilt is corroding my heart

After last night my husband has been in a very sad mood all day and it is killing me inside. He is always the strong one, the positive one and cheerful. I hate seeing him like this! I am so angry with Ginger that I have dreadful thoughts of what I want to do to her. Unfortunately, I can not hurt her without hurting myself. Talk about being frustrated! She has apologized several times to Bob but and he says he forgives her but his actions say otherwise. He woke me up this morning in an amorous way and it was becoming quite passionate and then.....it didn't happen. He lost it. He said it wasn't me but the feelings that are shadowing him from last night. He can't shake the topics that were discussed by Ginger. He wants Scott to be a non-existent thought from Ginger's mind. She hurt Bob's pride last night by being catty and telling him all about her sex life with Scott and how "awesome" it was. What the hell is wrong with her? I know she is 15 and all but she really, really needs to grow up and fast. She is hurting my marriage, again, by what she says and does. I absolutely do not want to integrate with her because I don't want to be her or anything like her. She and I have so much in common yet we are so very different. She is so close to the surface at all times and I can't get control of her and either can anyone else inside. I want to comfort my husband when I am done typing this up. I want to lay in bed and hold him and stroke his hair. He deserves so much and does so much for us it isn't fair for him to be feeling so down.

On another note.....I found out that 2 of my friends with DID are dead. One was a suicide by an alter and the other I am unsure of the details. Then.....I talked to another DID friend tonight and she told me a former member of the group I used to run has died of cancer. I feel so sad and angry. Ginger has threatened my life and doesn't care if she dies and she knows if one dies we all die and she is being a selfish bitch. To even threaten that and worry family members is just sickening! I will fight her and do whatever I need to do to stay alive. I made a promise to my daughter today that I will never be that selfish and do that to her and any of my kids and husband. I miss my daughter and wish she still lived here because she is my confidant and best friend. She gets me. But then I realize that life is probably so much better for her not having to take care of Mom all of the time. I need help. I am going to call that therapist my Pdoc recommended. She doesn't take my insurance but if she is reasonable and accepting new clients Bob and I would consider paying out of pocket and filing with CHAMPUS to help reimburse us. I see my Pdoc on Friday so I hope it goes well. I am feeling much better mentally, which I know sounds crazy as hell right now with all that is going on! I am speaking for me and no one else inside. I'm done doing the talking for them.

3 comments:

  1. Safe hugs, Give Bob a chance to digest Gingers selfish,hurtful words. He knows you don't feel that way. She will never grow up! She is acting out, what has changed? How is Mary handling the littles?
    Steph

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    1. I think ginger can't stand that Bob is not the young guy that she fell in love with and doesn't do a lot of the same things he used to want to do. Mary, Andrea and Seraphim have a good control of the littles.

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  2. Glad to hear your feeling better.
    hugs

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