Saturday, December 8, 2012

Christmas spirit???? Not so much.

Christmas is a difficult time for many people. It is for us and I keep struggling with the hope things will get better "next year." I am in a depression, once again, during this time of year. There are so many negative situations that surround Christmas that I tend to lose my focus of the true meaning behind it all. I try so hard not to let my past dictate my present but for some reason this is the toughest time for me to do this. So much abuse took place during this time of year more than any other time for me growing up. It's not easy to let it go. A lot of my little insiders have fears and anxiety right now and Taffy has the most to deal with. If you remember my blog from last year you would know that she was abused by a man dressed in a Santa suit and all of her present were destroyed that she cared most about as a form of punishment. This was the time of year when abusers would take advantage of the other adults being distracted by parties and alcohol that the children weren't being attended to properly. Games. The question of "Wanna play a game?" fills us with a familiar dread that once introduced to us early in life. Christmas in our mind is sex games, drinking, abuse and lies. What I want it to be is about the birth of Christ and the thanks I have for all the blessings in my life. I haven't been able to surrender it totally and therefore it overtakes me every year. A lot of people can't understand what my problem is and how I can be so sad when I seem to have it better than most. I wish I could play a movie of what is in my head so they could see what I see every day and then maybe they would get it.

Christmas is also a time for grieving for me. I lost my Mom in 2008, my step-dad  in 2010, my grandma in 2006 and my poppy in 2008. Those were the 4 most important people in my life outside of my immediate family. The happy times I remember at Christmas had those 4 people in it. They made Christmas special in my heart. I have tried to think of some traditions I could take on and start with my family but nothing ever happens. I bail on the idea or am fearful no one will care. One thing we did start doing was buying Mark Robert elves every year and we hide them around the house and move them every so often during the holiday. That is fun. I guess it's a start and maybe some day my kids will take on something that they remember from their growing up and apply it to their family. We did buy our daughter her first elf this year :)

The last thing I want to mention is that our son, Robert, is on deployment right now and won't be here for Christmas. I know he will be missing us as much as we miss him. His wife is close to delivering their baby any day and that will bring so much joy to everyone. I wish he didn't have to miss it.


  1. Although many memorable events have happened in your lifetime during the holiday season, they have nothing to do with the story of your faith. You can celebrate Christmas with friends and family in loving and comforting ways.

    Big warm hugs.

  2. I have alot of trouble with all the holidays as it was much like you described. I don't have any friends and my only child disowned me for life a little over 2 yrs ago so also can't see 3 grandkids, never even seen a pic of granddaughter or know her actual birthday only her due date and her first name. My mom whom I love dearly canceled Christmas for the first time in my life said she wasn't having it at all. Then as it got closer she said she and my step-dad were having their good friends over. I was a little hurt and jealous but dealing. I called her on Christmas day to return her call and a woman answered the phone, I didn't recognize the voice. It was my sister in law. My mom got on the phone and said I was just going to leave you a message to tell you Merry Christmas while i was in the bathroom! I asked who answered the phone and she told me. I tried to not fall apart, I asked her how my almost 2yr old niece was doing with Christmas she told me her fav. gift. and we ended it. I feel very depressed, abandoned and betrayed!!! My mom called I think 2 or 3 days ago now and I didn't answer and haven't called back. I don't know what to do as my mom almost had a nervous breakdown in Oct. and I'm on that edge all the time! I just don't want to talk to her and fall apart and cry etc. And I don't having anything good to say and no good news all bad in fact really bad.
    I join you in having tried to make Christmas better and new traditions etc. but when you lose all that you had there's no point. Didn't put up the tree the last 3 our of 4 yrs. to depressed. Even though as I write this Christmas is technically over we still have the whole new years garbage to go! It just never ends, it's always something another cult date is always looming large. Hang in there these days for this year will soon be history! And I hope things will get much better for you soon!
    LaurieAnn and lots of lost, aangry, hurt and abandoned littles