Christmas is a difficult time for many people. It is for us and I keep struggling with the hope things will get better "next year." I am in a depression, once again, during this time of year. There are so many negative situations that surround Christmas that I tend to lose my focus of the true meaning behind it all. I try so hard not to let my past dictate my present but for some reason this is the toughest time for me to do this. So much abuse took place during this time of year more than any other time for me growing up. It's not easy to let it go. A lot of my little insiders have fears and anxiety right now and Taffy has the most to deal with. If you remember my blog from last year you would know that she was abused by a man dressed in a Santa suit and all of her present were destroyed that she cared most about as a form of punishment. This was the time of year when abusers would take advantage of the other adults being distracted by parties and alcohol that the children weren't being attended to properly. Games. The question of "Wanna play a game?" fills us with a familiar dread that once introduced to us early in life. Christmas in our mind is sex games, drinking, abuse and lies. What I want it to be is about the birth of Christ and the thanks I have for all the blessings in my life. I haven't been able to surrender it totally and therefore it overtakes me every year. A lot of people can't understand what my problem is and how I can be so sad when I seem to have it better than most. I wish I could play a movie of what is in my head so they could see what I see every day and then maybe they would get it.
Christmas is also a time for grieving for me. I lost my Mom in 2008, my step-dad in 2010, my grandma in 2006 and my poppy in 2008. Those were the 4 most important people in my life outside of my immediate family. The happy times I remember at Christmas had those 4 people in it. They made Christmas special in my heart. I have tried to think of some traditions I could take on and start with my family but nothing ever happens. I bail on the idea or am fearful no one will care. One thing we did start doing was buying Mark Robert elves every year and we hide them around the house and move them every so often during the holiday. That is fun. I guess it's a start and maybe some day my kids will take on something that they remember from their growing up and apply it to their family. We did buy our daughter her first elf this year :)
The last thing I want to mention is that our son, Robert, is on deployment right now and won't be here for Christmas. I know he will be missing us as much as we miss him. His wife is close to delivering their baby any day and that will bring so much joy to everyone. I wish he didn't have to miss it.