Tuesday, September 4, 2012

False Evidence Appearing Real

How does one let go of fear that has been instilled in them from the time they took their first steps and on into adulthood? Hannah brought up a good point in therapy today. She said she thought it was unfair that there were really no safe places for us growing up and we were always afraid. Afraid of what we knew and afraid of the unknown that was bound to happen eventually. We were afraid to go to school because we were bullied a lot and when the end of school bell rang we were afraid to go home. It's no wonder we worry so much about everything and have anxiety about doing simple things in life. We are so afraid of math because we were hit and called stupid because we did not understand it. Anytime anyone mentions numbers to me I am mentally gone. The one safe place I felt, as a child, I could somewhat relax at was at my Grandma and Poppy's house. Poppy would stand up to my father and would protect me. I only wish there was a way we could have told people back then what was going on but that was a taboo subject and, again, I was too afraid to say a word. Poppy would have probably beat the living shit out of my father or even killed him if he knew. He warned my father once when he found out he hit my mom. He told my father if you ever lay a hand on her again it will be your last day. But of course my father didn't stop. My Mom and I were both afraid. A life filled with fear. I agree with Hannah. It wasn't fair and it still isn't fair to this day. I can't control my anxiety at night time. As soon as my head hits the pillow the adrenaline kicks in. I'm filled with dread of what if's. I feel like dying sometimes but I have a fear of death so that's out. Wow, can't win for lose in this life of ours. It's not so much the fear of death but the fear of losing control. All of our growing up years was of us losing control and we don't want to lose it in the big finale of life. I hope God removes us mentally from the dying process!
I am told all of the time to stop worrying or stop freaking out about stuff. If I could do that and knew how to do that I certainly would love to stop. I need to figure out a plan of action that doesn't involve doping me up with anxiety medications. I believe in God and in Christ and I pray constantly for help. But I think I'm either to afraid to listen or I just haven't received the answers yet. There has to be a life lesson from all of this. I don't know what it is but I can only hope I find out soon!

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