Thursday, August 30, 2012

High Anxiety

I am having such anxiety right now. An overwhelming sense of dread has set in and I don't know how to rid myself of these feelings and thoughts. In the past I would self injure because it shifted my focus from fear to pain. Doesn't make sense to a lot of people but it worked for me. Now I just have to figure how to deal with this in a healthy way. I've tried to figure out what is causing this anxiety every night but can't put a finger on it. I am looking forward to my Psychiatric appointment on Wednesday because I am hoping my doctor will put me on Ativan again to help me relax. Also, my antidepressants aren't working so well so maybe I can get a change there too.

I talked to a good friend today about past issues and it helped to talk and cry about the things that are forever haunting me. She cried with me and it made me feel good to know she cared so much. I am blessed to have so many caring people in my life now. To question if people love you or not is a horrible feeling and we had it constantly growing up. I feel a child should not ever have to wonder if their parent loves them or not.

I guess there is so much happening in my life right now and I am struggling to deal with it all. I am sure that must be why I am feeling high anxiety lately at night. Nighttime has always been scary for me and the thoughts that run through my head once it hits the pillows is like a looping movie running non-stop in my brain. I can't seem to shut the movie off or even hit the pause button for a little while. I am a worry wart and dwell on things too much. I've tried all sorts of techniques to try and thwart this habit of worrying to no avail. I pray, I take anxiety meds, use calming music etc, and nothing can make the feelings stop. I'm running of ideas and I am tired of staying awake all night and sleeping during the daylight (safe) hours.

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