Wednesday, July 18, 2012

mo·ti·va·tion


mo·ti·va·tion/ˌmōtəˈvāSHən/

Noun:
  1. The reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.
  2. The general desire or willingness of someone to do something.
This is what I lack. I want to be motivated but am unsure of how to get that feeling. So much needs to be done in my life that isn't being done because I don't have the willingness or desire to do the things I need to do. I grew up in chaos and never understood what real order was. I never had responsibilities put upon me so I have a hard understanding what an adult person is supposed to do that is correct. I am plagued with headaches (Migraines) and feel exhausted all the time. How can anyone conjure up motivation when you feel like shit on a daily basis? Even on a good day I can't get the energy to do things that need to be done. I'd rather sleep or sit in front of my computer where not much is required of me. I have so much inner activity happening all the time especially at night that it's no wonder I feel frazzled during the day. I have thought of staying up all night and taking care of things then and sleep during the day. I worry about keeping others awake in the house with my activity, though. I need to figure this all out. I know what I want but am having a hard time getting there.

 When a person is DID, has anxiety and depression it's a whirlwind of emotions inside all of the time and saps any amount of energy I have. I don't like being this way. I question my life's purpose all too often. I feel worthless a lot of the time and question why I am even here in this earth. It's easy to put blame on all the people in my life that screwed me up as a child and teenager but eventually that doesn't hold much weight anymore. I have got to figure out how to become a functioning adult who does what needs to be done regardless of the circumstances at hand. It's pretty damn scary to think about and I become easily overwhelmed. Is there anyone out there who can help me out? Any suggestions. I am fearful of the day my husband dies, which is why I have to go first, because I won't know what to do. He takes care of everything! My children have promised my husband they will take care of me if something ever happens. That offers me comfort but also shame because I am unable to care for myself.

 I will not integrate my insiders EVER and some people think I am being selfish for not doing that. I cannot put into words the reasons why I won't do it except that it is like death to all the people involved inside and out who are close to me. I have to make some changes about myself on my own and stop depending on others to do take care of it for me. I was never allowed to make my own decisions growing up so now I am put in positions of having to do so and it so very uncomfortable. I need to get focused, motivated and be the adult they said I could never be. I am fulfilling their statements because I am amounting to nothing basically. CHANGE! I need to CHANGE! My insiders have to allow me the space to do so and not hinder me in any way. Think positive and stop being an Eeyore all of the time. Just some things for me to think about.

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