Saturday, May 12, 2012
Mother's Day is difficult for me ever since I lost my Mom 4 years ago. She was only 59 years old, too young to die! I grieved very hard for her for almost a year until my grief counselor pointed out she could detect I had anger at my Mom. After she died I put her up on this perfect pedestal and seemed to forget that she wasn't perfect. When my counselor told me that the floodgates broke and I let loose so much anger that it scared me. I finally realized how afraid of my Mom I was. I could never get angry with her when she was alive or say things I needed to say to her. Now it was safe for me to do it and did I ever do it! Getting angry at her was the emotion I needed to move forward in my grief process. I felt lighter afterwards and it got easier. I loved my Mom don't get me wrong. It was just she was a perfectionist and I could never meet her standards. She loved me the best way she knew how and I can accept that. I even am over the fact that she didn't protect me as a child from my Father and others. I have to move ahead in life now. When Mother's Day rolls around I think of her and I am sad. I'm jealous of other people who still have their Mom's. Like my husband whose Mom is 83 years old and active and alert. I also dwell on all the mistakes I have made with my own children and wish I could go back and change things. I don't want to die and have them angry at me like I was with my Mom. It's really hard.