Thursday, April 19, 2012

Guilty as charged

I feel bad for my kids. Having a Mom with DID is not the easiest thing in the world to deal with. I feel like so many of the problems that they all have right now stem from my disability and how it affected them. I know there were time when my daughter would come home when she was around 10 or 11 and I would be sitting in the basement with a knife to my throat because an alter wanted to harm me. Another example would be my son walking in my bedroom to talk to me and my arm or leg would be dripping blood from a self injury one of the insiders did to our body. It's scary for children to see such things and my kids saw it all constantly when they were growing up. I was very unstable as a parent and am so thankful my husband was there to pick up the broken pieces when they were thrown around by us. I was in and out of the hospital during their early years into their teens. What threw us for a loop was our middle son being diagnosed as bipolar. He triggered us so terribly that is amazing to me that we survived his teen years. I remember waking up from a nap with him holding a butcher knife over my chest and had a big smile on his face. I had to lock my bedroom door at night to feel safe, as did my other children. I know they blame me for so much of their unhappiness even though they would never say it outright. Two out of 3 of my children are on medication to cope with bipolar and depression. If I could go back and change a lot of what happened I really would. I know that all of that is in the past and we don't live there anymore but the guilt eats at me so bad!

I have guilt because one of my alters had a 2 year affair with another man behind my back. My husband didn't deserve that but he is the most forgiving guy I know. Because Ginger was so promiscuous back in the day I am left with the guilt for all the pain she caused. I forgive her and and know she has worked very hard to change and become who she is today. I have to say, though, that not a day goes by that I don't think about all the things we have done to cause pain to others. Maybe that is why I'm so sick and tired all of the time. I can't surrender it and let it go. It haunts me all of the time. Guilt is a monster of an emotion! Why can't I let it go? Everyone has said that have forgiven me and understand and love me but I don't trust that. Why would they be so easy on me? I don't grasp the concept of that at all. All my life I have been told I'm not worthy of anything good or I'll never amount to anything in this world. How can I suddenly change that thinking and believe that those were lies and the family that say they love me really do mean it? It's not easy. Does anyone relate to what I'm saying. I know I tend to ramble and I apologize!

3 comments:

  1. It's hard to deal with the messages in our mind that say those old negative things. I remember seeing someone who tried to hypnotize me and leave the message, "It really doesn't matter." I always remember that message as, "It really doesn't matter to YOU!"
    It's tough to deal with when there's little self confidence.
    The hardest part is forgiving yourself.
    I know how hard you've worked. You are an amazing person.
    safe hugs

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  2. Though personally, I have not been hurt by you or your alters I can only imagine that having such mind set can hinder you to believe others, because you have been lied to in the past. But as long as those around you and yourself believe in you then you can start believing in those around you. You are a wonderful mother and an in-law!

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  3. Sherry..my daughter went on blade hunts with me at age 15. I did not know where the blades were hidden and I didn't want any of "Them" to hurt me. I feel so bad for having put my daughter through that. My husband did NOT stand by me after 20 years of marriage, but instead kicked me to the curb when I began my IP hospital times. My kids say all is forgiven..but I feel it is just forgotten, repressed and it will slap me in the face when they get older and remember. I don't know why you and I can't leave it all. Sounds like our paths were very similar. I wish I were healthy. I worked so hard as did the Others inside. We got through all of the re-living and rehashing. I feel that I must be not excepting of forgiving..if I was I wouldn't have fibro all the time.
    Take care Sweet Lady.
    Bren and The AllWithin

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