Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Gasoline is deadly
When I was about 11 or 12 I heard some kids talking on the school bus about sniffing gasoline and how it could make you feel drunk. I went to spend the night at my friends house shortly after gaining this knowledge. I was over for the whole weekend and thought it would be "cool" if we did what I overheard others talking about. So, my friend and I did it. We huffed gas, only back then it wasn't given a name nor did I know the harmful effects of it. We were huffing for awhile and I got bored with it but my friend continued to huff with her hands wrapped completely around the gas can opening. Her older sister said we were stupid but didn't stop us. I wandered off for awhile and when I came back to my friend she was in the middle of a seizure and the gas can was tipped on it's side. I was freaking out! Damn it, the first thing I thought of was myself and the trouble I was going to get in. I ran away from her, had major anxiety (never had anything close to that anxiety level again) but then leveled out and ran to her older sister. We tried getting her to swallow raw eggs because, at the time, we thought she had swallowed gas. It got worse and worse. The parents were called and they rushed my friend to the hospital. I don't know what happened after that as I was not allowed to be in the back of the ER. They kept my friend overnight. The next day, after she was released, her younger sister asked a lot of questions about what it was like in the hospital and almost seemed jealous of the attention my friend received. I went home feeling relieved that all was okay and life could go on. Then it stopped. I got a phone call from another friend who told me that my friends younger sister was dead. Dead from inhaling gasoline. I was freaked out! I went to her wake and felt enormous guilt. Why did I ever suggest such a dumb idea?! My father was an ass and told me "Well, that's what you get when you act stupid." I had no where to turn to to tell of my feelings. I want to have closure with this. Every year, because it happened Easter weekend, I buy flowers for M_____ to remember her. I didn't know it was wrong. I thought it would be fun. I didn't even know what death was having never experienced it. To this day I feel tremendous guilt. If only I would have kept my big mouth shut about the whole gasoline thing my friend's sister would be alive. I have nightmares about that day and the smell of gasoline haunts me. I hate it with a passion. My friend, if you do read this. please know how sorry I am. I wish there was something I could say or do that would make a difference but no words or deeds can erase the pain you feel. I hope to be forgiven.