Saturday, January 7, 2012


Why do we do this to ourselves? Ordinary people without DID self- sabotage but they don't have the same issues people with DID have. Everyone in the system can be running smoothly and one insider will do something to upset the balance. I have an idea that people who grew up in abusive homes are so used to chaos even after so many years pass by. When life begins to feel somewhat "normal" someone gets uncomfortable inside and reverts back to the chaos that's familiar to the mind and body. I won't say that it is always my alters that do this because I have done it as well but it seems more common for one of them to start it. We can be doing so great in therapy and making progress and I seriously think we become afraid of positive thinking. It's uncomfortable and foreign to all of us. A fight will be picked with family members, self injury, and worse things happen and although it is miserable to be in this chaos it feels right at the same time. It's not only unfair to us but to those around us. How do we stop this behavior and thinking? I can admit that my own self sabotaging has lessened over the years but it still rears its ugly head every so often. There was a time I was pretty much a danger to myself and always landed in the hospital. I'm happy to say that I have been free from hospitalization for over 7 years now. Between my Therapist, Psychiatrist and wonderful support from my family I have managed to function fairly well the past few years.

Another thing I have recognized is not only self -sabotage of ourselves but sabotage of people who love us. We sometimes find joy in deflating others happiness because we have this inner mean streak, particularly one alter does this....a lot. She feels if she isn't happy no one else should be either. In a way it's hurting us when this happens because the people we do it to get angry or hurt with us and sometimes go away and never come back. We have lost a few close friends because of this meanness inside of us. I hope that someday I can rid myself of it (the mean streak, not the alter) and be joyful along with those I love. I am working really hard to improve not only myself but the whole inner system. It just takes time and patience.


  1. I, and others around me, have noticed my tendency to self sabotage. Your post really rings true to me. I think for me deep down I truly believe I don't deserve happiness so when I get even a small glimpse of it I have to wreck it so that life makes sense again. Odd isn't it, but at the same time completely understandable. Thank you for posting about it. Bourbon

  2. Sounds like you're doing very well. Old scars are hard to deal with and they're bound to be touched occasionally. safe hugs