Monday, January 23, 2012

I'm floundering today

I have learned recently at least one of my children holds resentment towards me for not being "there" as a Mother for them. They don't have respect for me but hold Dad in the highest regards. I'm beginning to question what the hell I did all those years I was raising kids. I remember having puppet shows, boy scouts, girl scouts, playing Barbies and GI Joes, being there for them to talk to but I guess those things didn't count. I never asked to be this way and I'm sorry I wasn't a normal mom. I tried to be a good mom the only way I knew how. My kids grew up knowing we loved them, they weren't abused and were taken care of. Why do they hate resent me for something I've been trying to change since I was first diagnosed? I'm so much better now then I was 20 years ago. But I tried my best to allow the kids to have happy fun lives. I wasn't the disciplinarian, my husband was. I guess I was so worried about their feelings I couldn't do it. Is that where I went wrong? I'm also starting to question why I'm even here on this planet. I can't work, I'm depressed most of the time, trying to please everyone but failing at it, unmotivated and out of the loop on what's going on in this world. I haven't felt like self  injuring in such a long time but today I'm struggling so much with it.
My kids have no idea how much I wanted to keep my past out of their lives. It just kept rearing it's ugly head constantly and I tried to deal with it as it came along. I was in and out of the hospital a lot in their growing years and I know that was hard for them. I wish I could make it better. I wish I could go back in time and fix things but obviously I can't.
I don't even know why my husband is still with me. We love each other so much but the crap he's had to deal with is overwhelming to anyone. I don't see what I have to offer him or anybody. The one thing that keeps a spark in me is the fact that my only grandchild is moving here and I will get to coddle her and build a relationship with her. Maybe I can do something right when it comes to her. I just don't know anymore what to think.

No comments:

Post a Comment