I hate this up and down emotional roller coaster ride I'm on. Just when I feel like I'm happy I get flooded with memories because something has triggered me. I'm tired of the sadness and the anger I have inside. I have forgiven all who have hurt me but the pain is still there nonetheless. So much was stolen from me. It just isn't fair when I look back in time and see how people tainted me and my thinking. I grew up thinking I was this sexual object for men to play with at their whim and I had no choice in the matter. Maybe I did have a choice to say No but that fell on deaf ears. Such innocent moments ended up twisted and perverted and it confused me. I thought that all girls went though what I was going through but then quickly realized I was very wrong. I asked a school friend if her Daddy touched her down there and she looked at me like I was from Mars. That is when the shame of it all began to grip me inwardly and somehow I thought I deserved the shame. I was taught sex=love and if you want a boy to love you then you let him do what he wanted with you. There was one time in high school when I was raped by a boy who said I was wanting it all night and he had given me beer and other things so I owed it to him to let him have sex with me. I said No the whole time he raped me and again it fell on deaf ears. The one time I got the nerve to say it and it didn't matter. The to top it off the boy tells me after dropping me off at my house that "I was the best he ever had." I ran into my house and stood under a ice cold shower for probably an hour and just cried. The isolation I felt at that moment was unbearable. I really started to believe I was worthless. I started behaving like a prostitute only I didn't get paid for sex. I was on the search for "true love" from anyone who would give it to me. I needed that closeness if just for a moment even though wishing it was over the whole while it was happening. Then it would be over and I felt so alone again.
I want to mention that sex also equaled power to my mind. My alter Ginger was very prevalent in my teen years. She was a party girl who never got rejected for sex. It made me (her) feel like we were awesome and so wanted by these boys. What a high it gave but like all highs there comes the crashing lows. And they would hit hard. I cannot tell you how many times during my lows that I considered suicide. I used to stand on the bridge over rocky water and try to get the nerve to jump. I took a whole box of allergy pills only to wake up in the morning feeling like shit but alive damn it. I was a failure. I thought at the time, so much so that I couldn't even kill myself on purpose. Then the cuttings began. I figured if I can't die I will at least bleed out my pain. I became so emotionally numb that pain was refreshing and the sight of blood welcoming to me. I'm covered in ugly burns and scars from those years and it is an embarrassment and constant reminder of how things were. I haven't self injured in a long time but it is like being an addict because the want is still always nearby in your mind.
Thank you whoever reads this for letting me ramble on and vent. I need to get my self together and I'm trying whatever I can to do so. Medication, therapy, blogging and support groups. Something has to get through eventually!