Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Sleep is over-rated

I know why I don't get good sleep at night no matter how tired I am. I have no problem sleeping during the day....why? Because it's safe then! Everything bad that happened to me pretty much took place at night time. I remember sleeping only to be awoken by my father molesting me or worse. I remember being awoke at night to the screams of my mother as our father beat her senseless. I was dragged from one party to the next as a child and fell asleep under pool tables or wherever my little body could find to curl up in. I was babysat for a month by some people in Delaware while my parents went back to Minnesota to be with my ill grandma. I was tortured at night by these people with their occult practices. I still have neck pain from being hung for what was probably a few minutes but felt like it lasted a lifetime. I also have markings on the back of my neck from it. They were evil, evil people! Everyone of my abusers were evil. And I suppose evil thrives more at night than any other time. I lay in bed night after night with anxiety at high levels thinking that someone will wake me up standing next to my bed. My husband assures me that he will protect me from all harm but my subconscious says otherwise. I have tried sleeping pills, hot baths, warm milk and all the ideas recommended to me by different people. Melatonin helps me pretty well but some nights I find myself awakening from my dreams only to be plagued with dread and fear of the night.

The other thing that makes my body unable to sleep is all the littles who were the victims of the horrific abuse of SRA tend to stay awake and watch Nick JR all night long. We are in a constant state of exhaustion all of the time. When can we make it so everyone sleeps at the same time? Our husband suggested we stay up all night and sleep during the day.  Do our housework and whatnot while everyone else is sleeping. But I feel like by doing that I am missing out on so much of life. I need to interact with people during the day. I don't want to feel so alone at worried all night. Such a dilemma. Sleep has been an issue my entire life and I so desperately want things to change. I am growing stronger as every day, month and year passes and I should be getting over this by now. It's just so difficult to erase such deep, inner scars that were created over so many years of my life. For now, I will keep trying. What else can I do?

3 comments:

  1. I agree with your husband :)

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  2. I'm thinking about doing that. Not sure yet. :)

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  3. You've come so far along on your journey. Sometimes it seems we only have brief moments of relief after years of struggle, but I think they're worth rejoicing.

    safe hugs

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