Friday, October 7, 2011

Take your game and shove it!

Whenever my kids or husband suggest playing a game I feel dread and usually end up saying No to the idea. I do like to play games but when it is one on one type games or numbers are involved I don't like them so much. I finally figured out why this is happening. When I was a little kid games were always revolved around sex somehow. I dreaded the holidays at one relatives house because this one particular family member would tell me he was going to ask me to play a game within earshot of the other family members (who by the way really didn't care because they were all drinking or drunk) and I was to say yes to him. He would go up to his bedroom and I would go with him to "play a game." "Well, it wasn't a game for me and it certainly wasn't fun either. I would end up being forced to do oral sex on him or him touching me. Do you think that any of the other family members would even take a moment to check on things? Of course they didn't. I was an invisible child who was better off not seen or heard from lest I take them away from their adult imbibing.

Then the old man we lived with would play Monopoly with me and every time I passed Go I had to touch his penis. But if I landed in jail sex was forced on me as a punishment for landing there. I still don't like Monopoly very much but my family has helped me to see it in a fun way now. I hated that man so much for stealing what should have been fun and turning it into something so ugly. I am only recently aware of these memories after gaining co-consciousness with my alters.

In high school I was gang raped thanks to playing with a Ouija board which told one of the guys that I wanted sex. I did not but it was a game for them and they believed what they were doing was a result of a stupid game that we all know you can put any answer on the board and make it what you want. I used to think that it was all my fault because I was alone with these guys. I thought they were cool and trusted all of them. It wasn't my fault and I hope they haves me on their mind from time to time and feel some guilt. Doubtful.

The reason number games scare me is I have a math phobia and was beaten when I couldn't understand how to play. I just couldn't get it and I was punished for having problems with numbers and maybe instead you think they would have gotten me math help. Today I can barely do multiplication or division. My math skills area at about a 3rd grade level.

It's kind of strange because I have all these insiders from basically playing pretend with myself in times of trauma and yet I hate playing pretend games. All these adults telling me things like "Pretend my penis is a popsicle", or "Pretend like you are a dog", while rubbing peanut butter on my vagina so the dog would get excited and mount me. I could go on with a list of "pretend likes" but I'm sure you get the gist of what I mean. My littles' always want to play house with my husband and when he tries they always bring up that he is the daddy and he has to have sex with them. It tears him up.

I hope to someday be able to play games without thinking of things from the past. It was so scarring to me but it is something I have to work on without a doubt.


  1. Glad to know you figured out the number issue. That would make school nearly impossible! I'm sure Bob is glad you can play golf. I'm so glad he's such wonderful support. :)

  2. Thank you. You have been a wonderful supporter too!