Saturday, October 1, 2011

Bleeding out my soul

The gleam of the knife is shining bright
I know that I'm going to cut this night.
I can't explain why I must slice my skin
It is a strong urge that I have within.
I glide the knife across my flesh, there is no pain 
The drops of blood is what I want to gain.
Slowly, the knife cuts deep into the arm
I don't want to die, I just want to harm.
The blood is my soul freeing itself from the past
The euphoria of seeing it, I wish it could last.
It is over now and I feel such disgust and shame
The beast of this addiction I cannot tame.
Why do I do this? The pain always returns
My soul is trapped again, the urges burn.
I can't stop. I've tried and I've tried
My good intentions are always denied.
One of these days my soul will really be free
And I can find out about the real me.
Until that day comes I'll be seduced by the blood
Cutting and burning in the memories that flood.

This was a poem written by Ginger in 2004. We have all been self injury free for 1 1/2 years now. It is a constant daily struggle but we fight with all we have to find other ways to feel emotions when we are numb. It used to be that cutting and burning would give us a sense of comfort because we would feel SOMETHING and not just feel blank and empty. Now when we get the urge to hurt ourselves we have found some strategies that work for us. One is drawing red lines on our skin to simulate cuts. Another is holding an ice cube in our hand until it melts. But the most important strategy for us is reaching out to others. Calling a friend, family member or even conversing on the internet is a great way to distract and diffuse what is causing the urge in the first place. Writing helps, too. Putting your anger or emotions down on paper can be difficult but it does work if you can do it. Then burning the paper after you're done to "extinguish" the hurt can be most therapeutic. I hope that in another year I can write another positive blog about not hurting myself. I will continue to take it day by day and minute by minute!


  1. You're doing so well. Thanks for sharing your feelings and explaining your drive for doing it. I think that there is a part of us that is aware of the pain that we don't perceive. It tires us.

    Even though I felt nothing when the car hit me, I spent hours sleeping each day I was in the hospital. The mind does what it can to bring things to equilibrium. I think your mind is trying to protect you from something you're not ready to del with and that spills out to the point of you not feeling.

    What do you think?
    safe hugs

  2. That makes a lot of sense. Thanks for your kindness and friendship. I am going to call you sometime soon. I miss talking!