Thursday, September 8, 2011

One is a lonely number

It used to be that integration was the goal in people who are multiple or fragmented. That isn't the case anymore. Some people who are multiple are anxious to integrate as their lives are chaotic and disruptive. Some multiples are afraid of it. Others (like ourselves) choose not to become a singleton. It really is the decision only I should make. We were "integrated" at one time by a therapist who pressured us into it. Guess what? It didn't stick. If all do not agree it may not work. After that experience we chose to never attempt it again. Besides, integration is like cutting off an arm or a leg voluntarily. We are who we are and want to stay this way. That's not to say we live our lives separately! We have to become co-conscious of one another and set boundaries. This is our goal. It's not always easy but we feel happier now than we did during the integration process. We feel more whole now than we ever have and it is simply because all the insiders are working together and as we heal  they are becoming more like me. I have a lot of love and respect for my insiders because if it weren't for those parts of me I wouldn't be here today. I may have created them in the beginning when faced with trauma but they have all taken on a life of their own and I would be very lost without them all. It would be a lonely, cold existence for me if they were to be gone.

We have been told by therapists and psychiatrists alike that if we merge our parts together we will still be aware of them and will take on their traits. I would like to know how they "know" this? I've talked to many people with DID who have chose integration and hate their lives now and function worse with their insiders merged than they did when separate. I have also talked to others who have had success with integration. I believe it is just a personal choice. The important thing is to heal the best way you can and with all parts working equally towards the same goal whether or not that is to live as one or as a group. 

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