Thursday, August 11, 2011

Ragdoll

We lived with an old man for a year and a half on a farm in Minnesota. I remember the day I walked downstairs and the old man said "honey, look" and showed me his privates. I felt trapped and dreaded being alone with him. I would come home from school and before I barely set my stuff down he was sexually abusing me. It hurt so much because he would lay on top of me and put his privates onto mine. I remember him wiping me off with a blue handkerchief and I was so sore and my tailbone hurt from being pressed into the hardwood floor.

I feel so guilty for admitting this but there was one time the old man was abusing one of my friends who was 2 years older than me and I felt jealous. Why was I jealous? I should have felt sad for my friend or afraid for her. But all I could think was he doesn't like me anymore. She probably hates me now.

I have so much anxiety inside right now. I can't sleep because I feel afraid. When will these memories go away? I feel like I am always being punished for the things of the past. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to go forward and be happy and stop clenching my fists all of the time. I want to believe that people love me and care about me. Maybe someday I will...........

Middle Sherry with the help of Celeste

4 comments:

  1. Those mixed messages are so hard to understand. He did things to you and part of you wanted to believe it was love because that's what we want to believe sex is about in a family. But pain is not how love is supposed to feel.
    The jealousy at that time makes sense because you thought he loved you. The problem is there are so many different feelings that we call love. We love some kinds of food, doing some things, some people, some colors, some feelings, and going some places.
    Listen to your heart because it tells the truth. Listen to your mind because it helps you understand. I know you have a good heart and mind. :)
    Safe hugs >:D<

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