Sunday, July 17, 2011

I've got my eye on you

Why is it that eyes are such a fascination for me? I feel like people are staring at me all the time and when I make eye contact with someone I don't know I feel a sense of panic yet familiarity about the eyes looking at me. It's as if people are reading me and know all about me by looking into my eyes.

The day my father was sentenced to prison and I was leaving the courtroom he and I got stuck face to face because of the crowd. He gave me the "I shot a dog and feel good about it" look and though I felt very nervous and intimidated I stared him down and he shook his head and turned away. VICTORY! What power eyes have on people. 

I find myself forever drawing eyes or eyes inside of pyramids. What does that mean? I've talked to other DID'ers who have the same obsession with eyes. There has got to be a connection of some sort. When I was around 4 years old my grandmother offered me a dollar or a nickel. Naturally I chose the dollar because it was worth more. That was until I turned the dollar bill over and saw an eye on top of a pyramid. I was petrified and quickly gave the dollar back and took the nickel. Hmmmmmmm...........

There was a time right after I gave birth to my oldest son when I was breastfeeding him and he looked into my eyes and I freaked out and pulled him off my breast and dropped him on the bed. I felt like something evil was happening which, of course, is silly. From that point forward the panic attacks started and the obsession of become possessed or dying. All because he stared into my eyes. 

I can't put a finger on it yet but I know eyes are important to me for some reason. My Therapist and I have only started to scratch the surface of it. If you see me staring at your eyes it's only because I'm trying to figure things out. I'm not being rude, I promise.

 

4 comments:

  1. They say that eyes are the windows of the soul. Perhaps eyes are important to you because they are a way for you to try and figure out whether someone feels safe to you. I hope my comment makes some sort of sense to you.

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  2. It does but I have a sense it's deeper than even that. :(

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  3. Eye inside pyramid is illuminati. Illuminati is evil.... just sayin'.

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  4. ya, I think there is a big connection to illuminati and my abuse :(

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