Thursday, March 17, 2011

To live amongst normal people on my own?

My therapist is hinting at releasing me from therapy soon. She feels I have come an incredibly long way and our visits are every 2 weeks now. Unless I am in a crisis I think I do okay on my own for the most part. Yes, I still lose time on occasion but I am slowly getting away from that and living a co-conscious existence.   It does scare me to think that I might have to be on my own and deal with it. I do have my husband, Taylor and friends to support me. Aye yi yi! I have been in therapy since I was 13 off an on until I hit 19 and have been involved totally with it every week until now. I trust my therapist as I have been with her 6 years and she has never lied to me that I'm aware of. If she thinks I am getting close to therapy release then I will find a way to conquer whatever stresses come my way.

I jokingly have said that "normal people" scare me. Well, that is true in some aspects. They don't have a fractured mind and have no clue as to what my life is like. While everyone has personal problems to deal with, I have 23 separate personal problems to deal with all the time! 23 alters leads to a strange but interesting life for all who are involved with me. I don't have any desire to integrate my personalities into one. I have only lived my life the way I know how and to take a major part of me away and I am left all alone is terrifying to me. My alters are my friends, my confidants, and they helped me through a horrific childhood. Why would I want to get rid of them. that would be like a huge death to me and I see what Fraidy Cat went through when integrating the 2 other shadow club boys and he is sooooo incredibly lonely and miserable that I do not ever want that for myself.

I do know that even though I will be ending therapy soon I will not be ready for some things. Such as, working outside the home. Every job I have ever had I have been fired from and the rejection of that is so great to me that I have horrible anxiety just to think about work. I am in my comfort zone here at the house and have my routines I follow here. I am not able to follow others instruction and stay focused on task. If anything happens to our husband it is going to be a hard time in our life, not only for losing him, but for the fact we won't be able to support ourselves. Bob has already been promised by my oldest son that he would take care of me. My daughter has said it too. My middle child would never help me nor would I want him to with his bipolar issues that he refuses to deal with.

So, I have a lot of stuff to sort out before therapy closes for me. I want to get co-conscious with Birdie and Punkin'head and I want to handle flashbacks a bit better. Everything else I will work on on my own. Someday I WILL write that book I keep saying I'm going to write. Just takes time to get it all down.

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