Friday, March 18, 2011

My life explained briefly

I believe I was born a survivor as I was only 3 pounds when I was born. When I was 9 months old my grandfather began abusing me. He stuck objects in my rectum. He was in and out of jail for sexually abusing children. His son, my father, and my uncles began abusing me sexually from the time I was a toddler until I was 16 years old.We were involved in some occultic rituals and witnessed things to horrifying to put into words. I was beaten, forced to do sexual things, buried alive, locked in army foot lockers while being told I was going to die as there was no air in there. I was forced to have sex with our German shepherd, had minnows put in my pants and made to sit for 2 hours with them squirming around, forced to have sex with other children, made to drink urine, blood and eat my own feces.

When I was 8 I was raped on an almost daily basis by an old man who we lived with. I was also forced to watch my father and this old man have sex. I was called stupid, retarded, ugly, a whore, imbecile and much more day in and day out. There are so many memories I could go on for days. The only thing that saved me was by dissociating which resulted in 23 people living in my body. It saved my life. The memories I have now are a result of my alters opening them up to me. No therapist put this in my head! This is real and very difficult for people to understand who haven't been abused.

I am now 44 years old and have a very supportive husband and 3 beautiful children. No one will ever touch my children and we have a relationship where they can talk to me. I'm determined to protect my children! I am pretty functional but have my bad days. Living as more than one person can be a challenge but our therapist is wonderful and has helped us so much. As for my father, we reported him to the OSI in the military and he was court martialed and sent to Ft. Leavenworth for 8 years but only served 3. My mother and I worked hard on our relationship and we were very close until she passed away in 2008. She was just as much a victim as I was. I've confronted all my abusers (except 2 who are dead) and all have denied anything but 1 uncle. He at least had the courage to admit his wrongs and sought help. I broke the cycle of abuse by speaking out and for that I am proud of myself. My younger cousins are protected because it all came out in the open!

If you are being abused or know someone who is being abused we urge you to tell! If the first person you tell doesn't believe you keep telling until you find someone who will believe you! By keeping "the secret" you are giving the abuser power. Don't let them have it! If you are afraid find someone ,whether it is a therapist, clergyman, friend, etc, to help support you. We will not lie to you and say it is an easy thing to do because it's not! But you can do it! You survived so much already that you can survive this too! 

1 comment:

  1. If I'm completely honest with you, I don't think I've ever read something that is so emotionally hard-hitting.

    You're story is inspiring as you speak of your family, and it tells a story from a victim; which you don't often get to hear.

    I found it both eye-opening and intriguing.