Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down

I've been reflecting on my past visits with Psychiatrists who have tried to "fix me." I have been on so many medications it is insane to say the least. Here's a list of some I've been on:

  • Stelazine
  • Xananx
  • Elavil
  • Prozac
  • Trazedone
  • Seroquil
  • Remeron
  • Zoloft
  • Ativan
  • Lexapro
Those are just some I've taken and apparently I'm still broken. I'm currently just taking 4 medications:

  • Abilify
  • Wellbutrin XL
  • Buspar
  • Cymbalta
 I'm thinking that there is no hope for me. I know that the Doctors think that by prescribing all these medications that I'll be too numb to feel anything. That has been the case in some situations but lately I feel worse than I ever have. The medications do not stop the noise inside my mind. They don't make the alters go away (not that I want that to happen.) It doesn't stop the flashbacks. The medicine has helped me not want to self-injure and helps a bit with the depression. That is a plus but what are the downfalls to taking medications. The side effects! Dry mouth, low libido, fatigue, weight gain and a plethora of other ones. I want my Doctors to understand that DID is not cured by taking medicine. It only masks some of the pain and mood changes. The only way to fix someone with DID is to integrate the personalities into one. I'm not willing to do that. I had one Doctor attempt that with me and the alters and I thought all was well. It wasn't. I felt lonely because I had no insiders anymore and then I come to find out that they were still there after a year passed. They went into a dormant mode for awhile and as soon as I was faced with a very stressful situation *BOOM* there they were in full force.
I am questioning whether medication and DID do not mix. Every alter is affected by the medication a little differently that another one is. I am constantly exhausted because of my medication intake and the fact that my children alters do not seem to feel the affect of the medication I take at night and are up until the wee hours of the morning playing games or watching cartoons on TV.  I think to deal with DID in therapy it helps to have a clear mind because when you are drugged up it is difficult to recall events from the past and be able to deal with them therapeutically. I am in a catch 22 though because without the medication myself and a few of my other alters get severely depressed and that is not good either. So the big question is what do I do? I have tried the route of no medication and while my therapy progressed greatly, I personally was miserable from depression most likely from the memories that were surfacing. Is it better to stay on the medication to help numb me from the past or do I try to face it head on without any? It's a tough situation to be in. I often feel like a test subject for medications and because I have DID I often think the Doctors want to make some kind of major science breakthrough with me. Like they want to be the first Doctor to have fixed me. I feel frustrated.

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