Saturday, March 26, 2011

Can't we all be friends?

Living with 23 separate identities is challenging. I get along with pretty much all of my insiders but then there is one in particular who just feels she has to rock the boat all the time. Her name is Ginger and she is 15 years old. She used to be extremely promiscuous but has changed dramatically as far as that goes. (Thank God!) The thing with her is I feel like I am constantly in forgive mode when she is out. She says or does things that rub people the wrong way or causes tension between people. Then when I come back to the front I have messes to clean up. She is an attention seeker and likes to have fun. Unfortunately, her fun usually involves alcohol even though the rule is she is not supposed to drink. She keeps sneaking it here and there. The other night I had the intent of having myself a glass of wine and she ended up drinking the whole bottle and a beer. My husband could see "we" were inebriated slightly and got irritated. This caused a fight between him and I because as far as I knew I had only had that 1 glass. I only discovered the missing wine and beer today. It pisses me right off. I take full responsibility for whatever happens because of my alters because it is, after all, still my body. But I don't have to like it.

I won't tell you what she has done in the past but I can tell you that we have an awesome, forgiving and loving husband who deals with all this crap on a daily basis. I won't put all the attention on Ginger here because she is getting angry at me at the moment. So, I'll move on to some of the others who cause me to question whether or not it will ever be possible to all get along as a complete family. I must be realistic and remind myself of two things. One, this is my decision to remain un-integrated and two, not all people get along all of the time even with "normal" people.

Now I will tell you about the "littles." They come out every single night alternating turns, of course. My walls have been colored, my possessions destroyed, my body burned and cut and much more. Things are improving with them but they take over my quality time with my husband every day and I miss out on so much from around 8:30 on. Because they all start coming out Bob has to entertain them by reading stories, playing games and who knows what else they ask of him. He is very supportive and loves all my littles and feels like life would be incomplete without them. that's all well and good but I have to admit I'm sort of jealous of them. They are so loved and cared for that I wish I, myself, could become little to get the butterfly kisses and hugs they get from Bob. Don't get me wrong, he is very attentive to me too but I get this urge to feel little again and get what I never received from my own family. They call him Daddy Bob and I am happy for them that they have him and get what they need emotionally and physically. That is important. Am I wrong to want to be childlike again and some how erase the past?

My therapist and I are working very hard on getting me co-conscious with everyone before I end my treatment. I want to get along with everyone and have some semblance of order in my head. Most of the time it sounds like a playground and cocktail party going on at the same time. I know that the insiders will have less stress and issues if I am agreeable to what is happening all the time. It beats having me pissed off and taking it out on everyone involved. I will get there in time. I have been in therapy steadily since 1991 so it's coming to a close soon. I hope. 

1 comment:

  1. >:D<
    Debra new almost everyone(remember that was over 100!) and heard them all constantly. You've gotten so much done. :)
    I understand the frustration. Like Life, it's just not fair.
    You are so fortunate to have a therapist who actually believes that what you experience is real!
    safe hugs