Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Hospice, focus and purpose!

Therapy today was amazing!! I weng in feeling pretty down because of all my health stuff but then we somehow got on the topic of hospice because I found out my biological Dad has cancer. I started talking about my previous experiences with hospice when my Mom and Step-Dad were dying. It was the most amazing experience to go through. I was with my Grandma when she died and it was in a hospital setting. How I wish we had all known there was an alternative for care and dying with dignity.

My Mom developed sepsis through a infected dialysis port. Because she had 3 organ transplants she no longer had an immune system. There was nothing the doctors could do to save her life except to keep her on a ventilator. My Step-Dad had power of attorney of her but he had a horrible time telling the doctor to take her off the machine. He wanted me to make the decision but I had no say. I had a meeting set up with all of my Mom's staff and they talked to me, my Aunt and Uncle and Step-Dad, about why they felt they could not save her. My Step-Dad finally relented and they took my Mom off of the ventilator. My Mom completely changed once taken off. Before then she was grabbing at it and trying to take it off. She wasn't coherent at all. Once she was taken off of it she looked at all of us and made a face like she knew she was going to die soon and her face was crumpled and it appeared she was crying but no sound or tears came out of her, then she closed her eyes. Her hair looked like a birds nest and she was not cleaned up well. She was transferred over to a hospice center. We went all went to dinner and washed up before heading over to the new facility. I had never heard of hospice and didn't know what to expect. When we walked in the first thing I noticed was how quiet and peaceful it felt. The whole environment was peaceful. It didn't feel like a medical facility. When we got to her room and we all saw her, we gasped in unison. She just looked beautiful. They had bathed her and brushed her beautiful hair out and put her in a soft floral nightgown. It was so touching and just wonderful to see her like this even though she was now in a coma. In the hospital it was horrible. She was thrashing about, the staff was so busy they didn't spend time cleaning her up and so on. It was noisy and chaotic all of the time. This was breath of fresh air!

The thing I was most concerned about was the fact of my Mom being an atheist. I was besides myself with grief because I wanted her to go to Heaven and be at peace. I talked with a chaplain but other family members did not want him going into the room with her because they felt it would go against her wishes. I cried and cried and then I made a decision. I was going to stay at the hospital overnight while everyone else went home. After they left I prayed. I said, "Lord, I'm scared because I know she will be mad at me but I have to do do this. Please! I'm going to open this Bible to a random page and please let it fall to where it will be applicable to the situation and bring her to you." I flipped the Bible open and it fell to 2 Corinthians 4:13 – 5:10. I laughed and gasped inwardly at the same time when I started to read what it said. It's very lengthy so that's why I posted the link if you would like to read it in full. The gist of it is that our bodies will waste away and die. Our bodies are temporary but if we believe in Christ we will have new bodies in Heaven. I read the scripture out loud to her, my voice shaking and my hands trembling, certain she was suddenly going to wake up and yell at me for reading Bible stuff to her. After I finished reading this to her I sat next to her and just held her hand and prayed. After awhile I felt a frustration inside me because I felt like I could not grieve and be at peace after she was gone if I did not know for certain that she accepted Christ as her savior. I prayed aloud, "God, please, please show me some kind of sign to let me know she will be in your kingdom." I was looking at her while praying and she all of a sudden opened her eyes and looked at me. My heart dropped into my stomach. It was only a moment and then she shut her eyes. She never opened them again. I had my answer and I began to sob and thank God for letting me know. My Mom passed away the next day at the age of 59 but I know she is among angels and is no longer suffering.

You may ask why I talked about this story and what it has to do with hospice and where am I going with all of this? This is the story I talked about in therapy today. I talked about what happened with my Mom and how I believe that the hospice environment allows for people to take care of matters within themselves and their families, without distraction. Hospital environments don't really give this to families. It's noisy, your loved one may be hooked up to noisy machines, nurses and doctors are coming in and out, and so on. It's just not a peaceful place to die. Hospice gave my mom respect and allowed her to die with dignity. They encouraged family to bury the hatchet on life grievances, to communicate and they explain the death process step by step. I told the staff about what had  happened when I was alone with my Mom. They didn't scoff at my story and they sat with me and listened and acknowledged what I was saying and believed it was true. They see so much death and it's not a sad event for them. They know, like I as Christian know, that it is a joyful occasion and a rebirth. Yes, I cried because I was sad she was gone, but my heart had happiness knowing that she was with our Father. Hospice cares and they kept up with me via snail mail with cards and letters seeing how I was coping. I don't know of any hospital that would do that.

When my Step-Dad became ill with pancreatitis and they stopped doing chemo, because it wasn't working, I flew back to Wisconsin and spent the last 6 weeks of his life taking care of him. I helped him sign up for home hospice care, which is different than the hospice my mom was in, and they would make weekly trips out to the lakehouse we were staying at to do check ups on him. I could call them at any time of the day about anything I had questions about. He and I were alone most of the time in the boonies of Wisconsin. No air conditioning, no television except 2 channels that would work and his cellphone was the only one that got signal. I had no internet either. So, he and I did a lot of talking about serious stuff . Hospice gave me so much support. My 2 sisters work on a dairy farm so they could not take care of him, my brother worked weird shifts with UPS and my other sister was an alcoholic and couldn't be bothered, not that I'd let her take care off him anyway. The last week of his life, hospice came every day. He was getting very restless and delirious. I wasn't sleeping and becoming exhausted. They stepped in and gave me a few hours of much needed down time each day. After he passed they came out and stayed with the family and took care of a lot of the leg work for me. Some of them even came to his memorial service and sent flowers.

Because of  hospice it made me rethink a lot about the death experience and I have thought off and on throughout the past few years that I might consider doing volunteer work for a center. Our local hospice helped me through my grieving with my mom so much that I have a place in my heart for them. While I was talking about all of this with my therapist I felt a deep euphoria within me. After we were done talking she said, "I want you to do a quick body scan on yourself and tell how you feel." I realized my pain wasn't present that I walked in with. I just felt happiness and I suddenly realized what my purpose is in life. My therapist said I was in the "God Groove" and being focused on Him and how my spiritual moments of hospice is Him talking to me and I am now aware and listening! My focus has suddenly switched. Am I still in pain and feeling crappy? Yeah, I am. Do I need to stay in it constantly? NO! When I am focused on something I am passionate about I never only do it half way. It consumes me and and takes my focus away from negative things. I have so much love and compassion in me to give away. What better place than with the dying? I have a huge opportunity happening right now and I'm not going to let this go away. I am going to pray and look into our local hospice and find out how I can become involved. This is going to be my focus, not my pain. I'm going to shift gears and do something that really matters in this world. My purpose is not to just focus on getting well, that's a have to do. My purpose is to find meaning and give and use my God given talents to help other people! This has been an amazing day!

Saturday, January 6, 2018

I am not coping well these days

Lately I find myself complaining constantly about my health. I know it's a frustration for those around me and they grow tired of hearing about it. The sad thing about this is my life is consumed 99.9% of the time going to Doctor appointments, researching ways to feel better, lying in bed trying to get well, taking medicines, supplements,and trying holistic approaches. My life is about me getting well, somehow, someway. I lay awake in bed every night, because I have horrible painsomnia, praying to God to help me. My thoughts become very dark, at times, and it scares me. I don't want to really die. I just want the pain and sicknesses to stop. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to get well and then die once I achieve good health. These are the conditions I deal with on a daily basis and I have linked them so if you want to know more about what the condition is:

These are the illnesses I have been diagnosed with. I am also dealing with a spider bite to my face which turned into cellulitis near my eye. I have been taking antibiotics since Monday and it looks better but I still feel so ill. I am officially in Menopause so that's always a joy.....

I try very hard to focus on getting well and doing what I need to do to get there. Some days, like today and this past week, have been a huge struggle. I know a lot of my health issues are flaring up because of all the work I have been doing in therapy. I believe I have had these illnesses for a long time but my parts held the symptoms so I didn't realize they were happening. It makes me want to hang my hat up and quit therapy. I do know I can't do that because even if I'm not aware of sickness it is still there. I need to expose it all in order to completely heal myself. Sometimes I feel like life is so stupid. Like, seriously, what is the point? You work hard at bettering yourself every day of your life and then you die. Pretty anticlimactic ending, in my opinion. I ruminate quite often on the possibilities of leaving this earth. Before you message me to call a suicide hotline you have nothing to worry about right now. I am suicidal but I am not going to kill myself. Only God can determine my time here on Earth. I do worry that I am giving up on living, though. I spend a majority of my time either in bed or in my rocking chair. It's pathetic and sad. I've almost gotten to the point of not caring at all anymore. Then, my daughter FaceTimes with me, and my grandson gets so excited seeing me. That helps. Or, my son will send me a text checking on me. That helps, too. My granddaughters hugs help and my husband's undying love and support for me helps. What doesn't help? People trying to fix me, or relate to me when they can't possibly relate, criticizing me, ignoring me, and so on. This journey I am on can be very lonely. I can't even go upstairs to sit with my husband to watch tv because it's too painful on my knees and hips. I am alone most of the time in my bedroom. I feel lonely, bored, frustrated and angry.

My life feels unfair yet people looking in from the outside think my life is amazing. I know I could have it much worse, that is very true, but if it's hard for me to appreciate the blessings surrounding me then what can I do? When you are in pain 24/7 and feel like shit most of the time the blessings right in front of your face look distorted and flawed. I need some answers and I need help finding them. I want to live again. I'm just so very tired.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Oral Lichen Planus

I was diagnosed with yet another autoimmune disorder. This one is very bizarre and very painful. This disorder is called Oral Lichen Planus. There are several types of lichen planus. My body attacks my mucus membranes. Some people get the kind that attacks the skin or both skin and mucous membranes. So far mine has only been the membranes.

My dentist started becoming concerned because I was developing a lot of ulcers and sores on my gums, cheeks and tongue as well as in my nose. He was originally suspecting possible Lupus since my mother had that disease. The other dentist that's in that particular practice came in and looked and said, "nah, those are just Apthous Stomatitis ", which are recurrent canker sores. She then sent me on my way. Two days later we left for a 7 night cruise. By the time I got on the cruise ship my mouth was breaking out inside with cluster of sores. I tried to ignore it and used Orajel like crazy but no relief. I ended up going down to the medical center on the ship on day 3. The pain was getting so bad I could barely eat or drink and it was keeping me awake at night. The ship doctor looked inside my mouth and let out a gasp of horror! I guess she had never seen so many sores at one time. I had over 27 clusters in my mouth and moving into my throat. She gave me Prednisone, which gives me very vivid and scary dreams, and Nystatin swish and swallow. The Prednisone did calm the flare down some but as soon as I got home I went straight to my dentist. He looked at it and sent me to a specialist in town.

The specialist, who did my Toride removal , took a look in my mouth and took swabs and pictures. He recognized it right away as lichen planus. I had the lacy patterns on my tongue and cheeks and the unique sores. He put me on a steroid mouth rinse and medicated mouth lozenges. I have to go back in 2 weeks. He told me 40% of patients with this disorder develop cancer of the mouth. There is no cure only management. It can affect your eyes, throat, nose, mouth, vagina and anus. It is miserable and I have started developing sores in other areas outside of mouth now. I feel miserable and annoyed by it.

I cannot tell you how frustrated I feel. I have tried changing my diets, adding the supplements I was told to take, using essential oils and so on. My husband made the comment, "It seems the more you try to do the healthy things the more you get sick." It makes me want to stop trying. I'm either in pain from my fibro, which has improved quite a bit between using CBD oil and having weekly acupuncture, or I'm utterly exhausted from Hashimoto's and CFS. I'm not sleeping much at all and all I can think about IS SLEEPING. I don't know where to turn now. It is becoming overwhelming to deal with:
1) Dissociative Disorder
2) Celiac Disease
3) Hashimoto Thyroiditis/Hypothyroidism
4) Adrenal Fatigue
5) Cervical Stenosis and bulging discs
6) Arthritis in my knees, hands, neck and jaw
7) TMJ
8) Fibromyalgia
9) Restless legs
10) Abscessed tooth infection and about to have a root canal
11) And now Lichen planus

I am having a pity party right now, I know. I just am in a not so pleasant mood right now. I have so many blessings in my life and yet this can overshadow it all because it never stops. A person becomes exhausted from fighting all of the time! If anyone out there has any good solutions I would sure love to hear about them!

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

The Perfect Family

I think everyone grows up dreaming about how their family is going to be amazing. We watched our parents and how they  behaved and made mental notes along the way of what we would or would not do when the we had our very own children. You have your children and do the best that you can  to be a good parent. You do the best you can to avoid hurting them the way your parents hurt you. You hope they turn out alright and you keep them safe. They grow up and move out into the world and begin their own lives. You never stop worrying about them and you never stop thinking about them. Your biggest happiness comes from seeing them happy. To watching them grow and see their accomplishments. You are there when they need you and it may not always be the way they expected you to be there but you are still there, regardless. You so badly want all your children to love one another so when you leave this world they have each other for support.

The reality is this. The perfect family does not exist. Not for anyone and if they say their family is perfect they are lying to you. A person can try their hardest to make family love them or each other and it doesn't always happen. Just because someone is related to you by blood does not mean they want to be in your life or in their siblings lives. You can't force it to happen. Some of my best family members are not even blood related. So many years of my life have been about making my family amazing and special and perfect. The unfortunate fact is that I am going about it in all the wrong way. I have a tendency to fall back into what I know and how it was for me growing up. Case in point, holidays. I grew up celebrating all major holidays with family who used the occasion as an excuse to get super intoxicated. As a child, I would witness horrible arguments, violence, inappropriate touching, passing out, puking and more all in the spirit of say....Christmas. So when I became an adult and would be hosting holidays I made sure there was plenty of alcohol available to those attending. When my children became adults it got even worse. Drinking, especially amongst family members, is never, ever a good idea. I only know what I know. It was familiar to me and it made great sense. It also was not appropriate. You would think that after my upbringing with all the holiday chaos I would be anti-alcohol all together. You would think. You can go 2 paths as an adult. You can go back to what you think is okay and normal because it's what you're used to or you can start your own tradition and ideas of how life should be. In most things relating to my childhood I did do different. The alcohol was one big exception. I took alcohol out and we've had a few really good gatherings at holidays but then I find myself falling back on old ways and allow a few drinks here and there. This is dangerous because it will end up going back to how it was. I am aware of what I am doing now and I will not go backwards.

Our children, as adults, will make choices in their lives that will drive a Mom to a sort of madness. It's hard to keep on the right side of the fence. When they lived at home and made poor choices you had some control of the outcome. Watching your grown children struggle is complete and utter agony. There's not a damn thing I can say or do about anything they are doing. I mean, I can say all I want but will they listen? Most likely, No. As a parent you are forced to sit back and watch it all play out. Our children often think we are naive and don't know what we are talking about. Ha, I used to say the same thing about my Mom. Then it all crashes and everything you said would happen is now happening. You still do your best to help but not fix it for them. How else do we learn in life if we are bailed out of our mistakes? You try your best to keep on good terms with your children. You never ever give them a reason to doubt your love for them but they still will.

A perfect family. What does that even really mean? Who defines what is considered perfect? I love all three of my children and all my grandchildren. Do we having disagreements? Yes. Do we sometimes not talk to one another? Yes. Does that mean we don't love each other? No. There is nothing perfect in this world. I do believe life would certainly be boring if everything always went the way we want it to go. Families are made up of so many unique people it unrealistic to think we will all get along 100%. The one thing I have really learned by being a parent is to never give up hope. Even in the darkest times of parenting and heartbreak you never stop hoping. Hoping things will get better. Hoping people will change. Hoping that everyone will be there in the end. A quote by Elie Wiesel says, "Just as man cannot live without dreams, he cannot live without hope. If dreams reflect the past, hope summons the future." 
I will continue to look towards my future and my family's future. Looking back serves no real good purpose. My family may not be society's definition of perfect and that is okay by me. My family is mine and I love them no matter what. Love is the glue that holds us together and that's more than some people have.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Disney Cruising is better than therapy (almost)

Although therapy is much less expensive than cruising on a Disney ship I have to talk about my breakthroughs I've experienced as a result of vacationing on a Disney cruise! The thing about therapy is we are always told what our childhood should have been like and what is appropriate and what is not. It is really hard to grasp that concept while sitting across from your therapist. Seeing that scenario put to action in real life is something else!

Disney has taught us that kids can and should have fun as much as possible. There are no real rules to enjoying yourself and you can be whomever you want on a Disney cruise and there is no judgement from anyone. I am always in line to get a picture taken with all the characters and princesses. The Disney cast has it down perfect. They don't judge me, they can see my children come out and they don't skip a beat. They are in character and they pull me into the magic. When my alter, Holly, first met Cinderella she started to cry and tried to explain her tears. Cinderella grabbed her hand and said "Do you like to twirl? Let's Twirl." And they did.

When my alter's Ivy and Moshie were afraid of Peter Pan and Captain Hook they took the step and met them. They saw that all the children were laughing and enjoying their time and those characters would not hurt them like the pretend characters from their past. People can dress up in costume and be safe. 

Taffy learned that Santa Claus is a good person, not one who will hurt her and shatter her dreams. She was tricked in the past but Disney tricks no one. She learned that Christmas with Santa can be a very happy time! She waved to Santa, who stopped by on our cruise, and he waved back to her and then it began to snow. More Disney magic, she couldn't believe he was so nice and that no harm came to her! 

To tell a child or an adult of trauma that happiness exists means nothing until they see it for themselves. I thank Disney for helping me, all of me, to see that there is such a place for safety and happiness in this world. I will not stop seeing my therapist and I will not stop cruising with Disney. These two therapies have healed me more than anything else could in  my life. I am very blessed and I do not take it for granted. I am hoping that others who have had childhood trauma can find the magic I have found in my life. It really does exist and it's not just a pipe dream.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017


When I was in my 10th grade of highschool I got real sick with the flu or mono, I really can't remember which it was. After the sickness went away I remember feeling tired all of the time. I started sleeping until noon on the weekends and dragging through classes at school and even falling asleep in classes. I have not felt well rested since then. My entire adult life has been in a constant state of fatigue. I do not know how I made it through basic training for the military. Someone else went through it for me because I don't remember much about it. I have had insomnia since I was a small child and have no recollection of it not being like this. I am awake all night and then I can barely get out of bed in the morning. It's a huge struggle for me and I'm feeling depressed about it. I can't make my loved ones understand the deep fatigue I always feel. I may be smiling, up and doing things but I am dragging inside. I think about sleep more than anything else in my life. It consumes me in a big way. When I do finally get to sleep I do not get an escape. I dream about how tired I am or the pain I am in. Other times I am plagued with nightmares or flashbacks. I do not know how I function from day to day. Eventually I crash and then I will sleep for 20 or more hours at a time. Only waking up to use the restroom and going straight back to bed. I have slept for 3 days straight before. I know I have some kind of sleep disorder or something.

My therapist recommended today that I get sleep study done. She said I can take the equipment home to do the study and they rarely have you sleep at the hospital anymore. I told her I don't know if I can do it because I don't fall asleep until late morning. I don't see how it will help me but maybe my sleep cycles are out of sync or something. I never feel refreshed from sleep. I hit the snooze button on my alarm and immediately go back into a dream. I don't how that happens. Every single time I hit the snooze, and it can be over 10 times, I always fall back into a dream state. My dreams are always vivid and I can remember dreams from when I was kid. I often have to really think about memories I have and be sure they were not dreams that  I had. I am 50 years old and I would love to find a way to sleep solid, wake up refreshed and energetic. I don't want or think I can continue much longer on this path.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017


I feel super overwhelmed with emotion yet I feel blank. I don't want to feel anything, anymore. I'm tired of dealing with past issues. I want to just move on already. I'm getting all sort of illnesses and pain as a result of gaining co-consciousness and I almost want to go back to the days of losing time. The whole problem with co-communication is the stuff they held for you now becomes yours. This isn't fair. I feel as if I'm being punished again and again for something I didn't want or ask for. It's so hard to stay positive in life when you are constantly reminded of past pain and traumas. Every time I am in a flare or I get a new medical diagnosis I become so angry yet I do not know how to release the anger, so I stuff it back down. Lord help us all when the day comes and I have enough courage to let it go.

Emily Dickinson reminds us:

Pain—has an Element of Blank—
It cannot recollect
When it begun—or if there were
A time when it was not—

It has no Future—but itself—
Its Infinite contain
Its Past—enlightened to perceive
New Periods—of Pain.

She had it spot on. I am forever blank.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

It's time that I get justifiably angry

My therapist has been encouraging me for years to allow myself to be angry with those who hurt me so much. I've always been afraid to do this because I was not ever allowed to express my feelings growing up. If I did express any feeling it was quickly shut down either by physical means, verbal threats or ridicule. I've never felt real safe being angry. Anger has always been dangerous to me and nothing positive has ever come from it. I feel intimidated by others anger and do all I can to calm things down when things get heated. I didn't get angry with my mother until a year after she passed away. When I finally did get angry it was easier for me to start dealing with the past. When she was still alive I was so afraid of her and was always doing what I could to be better a daughter to her. I took her criticism and gaslighting and shoved my feelings down deep. When she died I stood up and gave an award winning eulogy about how amazing she was. I look back now and cringe at the words I spoke about her. Who did I think I was kidding? Anyone who really knew her had to be asking themselves the same question.

I have been having a lot of health issues arise since I started really dealing with the past. I had only skimmed the surface with my other therapists and then they dropped me because they no longer knew how to help me. I met my new therapist who is very experienced and qualified in treating DID. My progress has been tremendous with her. The one aspect of therapy I was not expecting to have to deal with was the health problems that result. She explained to me that when you begin to develop good co-consciousness problems you have had all along start to surface. My alters have been very brave and very strong for holding these problems from me for a long time. These health issues are not new at all. The more I learn about cellular memory, the brain and trauma it is now beginning to make a lot of sense. It's like a jigsaw puzzle and the pieces are finally matching up.

This brings me to the anger I need to let happen. I recently went to an ENT surgeon. I need to have a surgery because my nose is severely deviated and is becoming odd and misshapen. I speak very nasal and I cannot breathe well. I have chronic sinus pain and jaw pain. The doctor was very surprised when I told her I had not had any past surgery on my nose or septum. She said she has never seen so much scar tissue in someone's septum and sinuses. She then asked had I ever had my nose broken or any trauma to my face. I told her it's very likely due to my abusive upbringing. I was not taken to a doctor when injuries from abuse happened. I have many traumas that were done to my body that were never treated and now, as a 49 year old adult, are causing major issues. The surgery is going to be 5 to 6 hours long and the recovery is 8 months. I left the appointment very emotional and upset. I called my son and talked with him and he made the comment, "Geez, Mom, every time you try to move on from your past it jumps right back up and slaps you in the face." That really resonated with me. He is so right. All of the health issues I have are a result of childhood trauma. I have had 9 surgeries,  and 27 hospital stays in my 49 years of life. That's not typical, at all. The fact I had to have reparative surgery as a result of childhood sexual trauma really pisses me off. The fact that I am in pain from my fibromyalgia pisses me off because it is a reminder of what happened to me. I feel like my abusers commited terrible crimes against me and I get to serve their life sentence. It's totally unfair and totally justifiable for me to be angry. I should be angry!

The question I am now faced with is how do I release this anger in a healthy, safe and therapeutic way? I would love to find one of those houses they use to allow people to break the glass, break dishes and furniture and so on. I want to be able to put on some safety goggles, be surrounded by my support circle and let it all loose. I want to allow myself and my insiders to go "crazy" as long as we all need to and if that needs to happen multiple times, then so be it. Anger is negative energy and hanging on to it is toxic to the body.  I need to get rid of it. It is super hard to focus on the positives surrounding me when the negatives are pulling me downwards. I want to be weightless and free. I feel if I can get the anger out I can work on myself in a more motivated manner and not be afraid to keep moving forward.  I just need to find the right moment in time to do this.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Your tired is not my tired

Tired of pain

Something I think about all of the time is how tired I am. I don't know what it feels like not to be tired. When I was a child I took naps voluntarily. My Mom said I slept through the night when I was just a baby. I don't know why this is but I have a theory.

I've been reading a lot about cellular memory and adrenal fatigue. I believe I had cortisol overload happening while I was still in the womb. I don't think there was a stressless moment from the time I was conceived. My brain and my body did not know how to process stress properly because there was always such chaos going on. The times I did sleep growing up I was always awakened by screams of my Mom being beaten or I had someones hands on me or breath on me doing inappropriate things to me.  I remember falling asleep at parties as a child and being carried out to the car at all hours of the night. I had no consistency in my life. 

I've been learning that there is a huge link to autoimmune disease and Fibromyalgia because of  childhood trauma. I have Celiac Disease, Hypothyroidism (as a result of Hashimoto Disease), Fibromyalgia, and Depression. All of these problems cause severe fatigue. I feel like I'm swimming against the current all of the time. When someone tells me how tired they are I find myself rolling my eyes inwardly. Those people can go to bed, fall asleep for 8 hours and wake up feeling refreshed. They can take a nap and it fixes their fatigue. This does not work for me. I go to bed so tired but I cannot sleep because of pain and restless legs. When I do fall asleep I wake up non-stop throughout the night. I do not get restorative sleep. Nothing in the world feels more lonely than laying in bed next to someone who is sound asleep. I find myself becoming resentful and angry at people. I want to feel good. I don't want to hurt. I want to have energy.

Having a dissociative disorder complicates the situation even more. It's almost impossible for me to shut my brain down. It's always active and someone is always up and about. I want to shut out all the inner noise and all of the crying. I'm not only physically tired but I am emotionally tired. I am even to the point that I am spiritually tired. I try to look at my life in a positive way but sometimes everything is just too much. I can't always fake a smile or hold in my tears. I feel like quitting a lot of the time. Life can seem so pointless when all you do is work on the past so you can live in the present and move towards the future. 

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real and then you wake up and everything is so happy? Then your mind tricks you because you never actually woke up and that you were still dreaming? I keep hoping that I will wake up and find myself better, healthy and energetic. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. It makes me feel hopeless for my future. I don't want to live to be 90 years old if I have to feel this way the whole time. Something has to get better with me.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Why I move so fast in the kitchen

Yesterday, my therapist and I got onto a topic of why I find myself rushing around in my kitchen. My husband has pointed out that I move way too fast while I'm doing things in the kitchen and so has my daughter. I never really understood why I do this or even recognizing that I do this. My therapist is amazing and is like a detective. She goes off what I start to say and has me back up and review my thought on what I am remembering.  Yesterday I told her that there's a part of me that hates being in my kitchen while other parts of me consider the kitchen my favorite place to be in my house. I love cooking and having family gathered around the table. I started going through memories and time frames in my life. Pardon my language but there was a shit ton of trauma done to me in kitchens more than any other room in every house I've lived in. Instead of trying to write detailed memories of each event I am just going to list things that have come up in my rumination of past crap. 

  • My first memory of kitchen trauma was when I was around 2 or 3. My dad had come home from someplace and my Aunt was babysitting me. I was running up to him saying, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! in a child's excitement to see my parent. His response? A backhand that sent me flying into a wall, hitting the back of my head as he says, "Get the hell out of my way." 
  • Seeing my Mom being beaten by my Dad in the kitchen as my little body tried pulling him off  her and ended up getting the beating in return.
  • Being hit and kicked and called "stupid", "retarded", idiot" and more for not understanding my math homework being done at the kitchen table at the age of 7. This happened over the years and always done in the kitchen.
  • Being ridiculed for making sounds while eating and having my food scraped onto the floor and being made to eat the food on the dirty floor on my hands and knees while having to make oinking sounds. Kicks to the ribs if I wasn't oinking enough.
  • Being raped on almost a daily basis by and old man named Squirrely after school every day at the age of 8 and 9. I went to my Mom constantly for soreness and itching in my vaginal area only to have her rub Lanocain on it. She never took me to a doctor for this and it was chronic. I am sure she knew something but was afraid to do anything about it.
  • Being hit in the face and having my face shoved into the kitchen sinks sideways as my Mom poured liquid soup into my mouth because I wore mascara to school in 5th grade. 
  • Being forced to eat huge plates of food by my Dad and if I began to gag or vomit he would shovel more food into my mouth and put his hand over my mouth. If I threw up before he could do so I would be fed my vomit or have my face rubbed it it.
  • When I was 4 years old I was curious about what a hot pepper was and my Dad gave me one and forced me to eat the whole thing as I cried and gagged from the heat. My Grandma was angry with him and tried to intervene but he wouldn't stop. Later my Grandpa let my Dad have it.
  • Being made to sit on my knees with my back straight up against a wall in the kitchenfor eating something I wasn't supposed to eat when I was in kindergarten. The more I struggled the longer I was forced to sit like this.
  • Dishes and glasses being thrown in the kitchen when fights with my parents broke out.
  • Doing the dishes in 6th grade and the sink was full and my hands were submerged to my elbows. My Dad is leaving the room and tells me, "Don't go anywhere" and me making the mistake of being snarky responding with, "Where would I even go right now?" He ran at me and threw me against the kitchen pantry door and punching my head. My shirt got torn and he was telling me I had better never talk back to him again. Afterward he sewed my shirt and told me if I told anyone he'd kill me.
  • Being raped in high school in a kitchen 
This isn't everything. These are from memories given to me by others inside throughout the past. There are more but I am getting super nauseous right now and feeling a bit un-grounded. I will listen to my body clues and stop with making this list.

It is beginning to make sense to me why I rush around. I may be okay with the kitchen but there are those inside who are not. I sense their feelings and take them on. I'm basically hurrying up what I need to do so I can get out of there. Another thing making sense to me is why I do not want people to help me when I am cooking in the kitchen. This is the one area in my life when I feel like I am in complete control. I don't want anyone helping me, advising me on how I should do things and so on. It's my personal space to have control. I am going to start working on noticing my hurried behavior and come up with ways to calm my inside system. I know some people do not understand how going through all this past stuff is beneficial to me but I am telling you that it is extremely important to remove all waste from the mind. It's a gross analogy but it can be compared to constipation but of the mind. Just as you must eliminate toxins from your colon to be healthy you must also eliminate toxins from your past junk in your memory banks. If you don't get therapy and guidance and do this for yourself you will remain sick just as if you let your colon remain constipated. It's toxic, it's gross and it's unhealthy.

I have been in therapy most of my life. There is no magical period for me to be healed. It is an ongoing process. I can tell you that when I look at the 20-year-old Sherry versus the 49, almost 50 Sherry, I see huge progress in growth and attitude and strength. Yes, my past still hurts and I have my days where I get angry and sad about it. Yet, I will not allow my past abusers to continue to rent space in my head. I am evicting them all and feeling darn good about it. The past will always be yucky to talk and think about but the more I talk about it the less painful it becomes and the better I feel. I will get through this kitchen struggle just as I have other struggles. I never know what is coming up with my inside system so it helps me to blog, talk, cry, and do whatever I need to do to move forward in my life.